King vs. Weather

I want to personally apologize to everyone in my Kingdom, my golfing buddies and all of the people in 'The Asylum' for the bad weather that I am sure I am the root cause of. In my previous entry I noted that I have returned to playing golf. While I was away from golf the weather during the past few summers have been decidedly nice. Now that I am back the weather sucks. There has to be a direct correlation to my return to golf and this stinky weather. Only a fool cannot see this. Extra proof of this is I have rounds of golf scheduled for both days this weekend so Mother Nature is really letting us have it this week. As I am writing this I can hear an oncoming thunder boomer getting ready to drench us. My back yard has become a swamp. Did I say swamp??? I meant lake. The creek that runs next to my yard is now a moat. It is now high enough for me to use my kayak in. My grass sets weekly records in growth that a farmer would envy. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!
Its too bad we cannot send some of this crap to where they really need the rain as I think we have had more than our fair share.
Its too bad I cannot blame Kevin Williams for this as he is Moronica's official weather whipping boy. Oh what the hell, maybe I will anyway and issue a royal decree for his head...well maybe that IS a little rough. Maybe I will just have his little weather computer controller smashed instead. Then again maybe we can make him a sacrifice to the weather gods so they will let us dry out. If anyone has any better ideas please let your King know as I am open to any idea that may dry us out.
Once again I offer my royal apology for the weather but I am not quitting golf again, at least not until I win.

King vs. Golf

Milton once said that golf is a great walk spoiled. In my case he is wrong because as King, I ride the cart. After getting married I stepped away from one of my favorite games for the most part which has turned out to be a mistake on my part. Like George Bush, I really do not like to admit making a mistake so we will call it a lapse in judgment. Now, I really enjoy the game but now that I am back playing weekly again I now realize how much my game has deteriorated since I stepped away from it. It is amazing how a little white, or in my case yellow, piece of garbage that lies so temptingly on a tee taunts you to no end. It just sits there asking to get spanked and usually what happens is that it has the last laugh. Now, make no mistake, I can launch a ball off the tee. I can out drive most people who use a driver with a three wood but that still does me no good and it does drive them nuts. Whats the use of drilling it 280+ yards w/ a three wood when your wedge butchers your next shot? As they say drive for show...... I did see a tip on the Internet while surfing that I have adapted that has helped cut some of the nonsense out of my wedge game. I actually hit some brilliant chips last Sunday though they were few and far between but there is hope as it sure beats not hitting any nice chips at all. Improvement is being shown.
But, what is really breaking my heart is my putter. What is the use of improving your wedge game when you cannot finish it off on the green? I used to be a fairly efficient putter but the time away has killed that part of my game. I used to be able to hit some bombs with my putter, but now the only time I bomb is when I am sitting on the royal "throne". I stand over the ball on the green not knowing if Jack Nicklaus is about ready to putt or will it be Magilla Gorilla or even Alice that shows up. Most times its Magilla. Lets take #8 at the Livingston Country Club this past Sunday for example. I had a mid length downhill putt for birdie and I stood over it KNOWING that I did not have to strike the ball hard to get it to the hole, but what happens???? King Kong shows up and knocks it 15 feet past the bloody hole and what really irks me is that Jack Nicklaus showed up on the par putt and I ram that home. Of course Jack could not have showed up one shot earlier. Then on #9 I had another birdie putt but who shows up this time??? Alice shows up and I leave it 7 feet short as I was gun shy after my adventure on #8. Then, of course, Jack shows up again for the par putt. Its stuff like this that can drive someone absolutely bonkers knowing the ability is there but suffering through the lengthy retraining of the muscle memory for putting. I cannot blame the putter as it is a top of the line model and I know it works. Its just the moron holding it.
I used to normally shoot between 88-92 but now my average is about 97, which may be an 'A+' in school, but on the course it is royally unacceptable. I leave too many strokes out on the course and it costs me in more ways than one. I have maintained decorum and respectability by not spazzing out after turning a routine par into a butcher job double bogey. I am proud of that but it is becoming an all too common occurrence putting a definite strain on my sanity. Though many people have said there is nothing left to strain in that aspect. Putting is tough to practice as the greens at Livingston are one of the fastest in the area so you just cannot go to some place with slow greens and expect to cure the problem, though, it may reduce the appearances of Magilla making Alice a featured guest on the green. Never up, never in.
Maybe its time for your King to give Tiger a call for some advice, but then again after watching him putt at the US Open maybe not. Your King has not been blessed with an overabundance of patience but it is something I have pledged to maintain out on the course but doing that makes my drive home a 35 minute mumble and grumble session as I try to relieve 4 hours of frustration. But who knows, maybe the next time out the real me will return and I will shoot an 85, but then again, while I am wishing I may as well wish for a pony as I have a better chance at getting that.
Until next time, your King, Dinglefritz the First, King of Moronica says, quoting one of my favorite weather personalities Bob Mills, "Have a Happy".

Eighth Inductee into the Moronica Hall of Fame

As King of a nonpolitical entity I get sick at all of the political crap that is now going on the the State of New York(heretofore to be referred to as "the Asylum"). The newest member(s) being inducted into my MHOF are the members of the The Asylum State Senate. I am going to keep this brief as the members of this political body continue to drag The Asylum to the depths of despair no one thought possible. Do the residents of The Asylum really deserve the inept representation that these individuals are providing us at this time? Absolutely nothing is getting done in Albany at this time. Governor Paterson is losing his mind over this. These people are getting paid for doing absolutely nothing except being babies and not playing with the other side. Instead they just take their gavel and go home. Seeing the democrats not standing for the Pledge of Allegiance really had me in a tizzy as they insulted our country and flag.
Why do we continue to vote for the same idiots? Are we really that stupid? We all say we want change then we all say we love our state senator and we all continue to vote for the incumbent. I guess we really do deserve what we have.
Our current crop of State Senators have distinguished themselves as the most moronic babies this side of Iran. For crying out loud they are insulting the residents of The Asylum with their antics. There is vital legislation that is just sitting waiting for them to vote on that the assembly has passed and if this legislation is not sent to the Governor soon bad things are going to happen to we taxpayers. This bull crap MUST STOP and it must stop now. The State Senators should not be paid anything until they settle their differences and get to work. If I tried this crap at my job I most certainly would be selling apples on a corner somewhere and it should be the same way for these clods. The governor, if he had the power, should be able to call for a special election and replace all of these losers with the proviso that they cannot run for their senate seat in this special election and also that they be ruled ineligible to run for any state office ever again.
If there has ever been a group of individuals so worthy of induction into the MHOF it is this group of idiots. We deserve better than this. We deserve a state government that is functional. Our state government is being laughed at from here to Tibet. The people of this state should rise up in protest to what is happening in the state senate at this time. We should throw the bums out. I fully support the governor in keeping these jerks in Albany until they get to business and keep them from enjoying their 'summer vacation'. With that being said if you ever see any member of the State Senate please let them know of their induction into the MHOF and the honor that has been bestowed upon them.
PS: We really do deserve better than this. It would be nice to see The Asylum become the State of New York again. We should be proud of the people that represent us in Albany instead of being embarrassed by them. Our state is now the laughing stock of the United States! I am sure, though, our senators are thanking the Governor of South Carolina for taking some of the moronic pressure off them.
Til later, Dinglefritz, your beloved King of Moronica.

Frank Alkhofer

I hope I am spelling this gentleman's name right but here goes. Now to qualify myself to be able to write independently on this subject I state that I am an independent who normally votes democrat and was once a member of said party. Its stuff like this that I am about to expound upon that makes me glad I did not re-enroll in the party when I moved to Rochester. Also, I will never re-enroll in any party as long as the political crap in this country continues.
I read in today's Democrat and Chronicle that the democrats(idiots) in the Monroe County legislature have asked Frank Alkhofer to resign from his position on the ethics board as a result of a perceived involvement in the Robatraud(sic?) scandal which, at present, involves Robert Morone and a slew of contractors. Frank is a victim in this case and I am 100% sure not involved at all in this scandal. The idiots just want to rake this man through the mud for absolutely no reason except for political gain for themselves. He did what every man in his position would have done..he contacted a friend to ask for advice on a project. He had the project done, paid for it thinking everything was above board not knowing that the contractors involved were also being paid by the county at the time of the project was being done. Hey, if you were not sure who to hire for a project that required contractors would you not ask a friend to recommend someone? Saying Frank has any responsibility in this mess is like the police charging someone, who unwittingly gave money to Bernard Maddof to invest for them, with a crime. The same thing could have happened to me if I needed contract work done on my house and asked a friend, who was familiar with workers in this area, for advice.
Why are the idiots piling on Frank in this case? Why, because they just want to make a name for themselves and expand the scandal to their benefit. What really stinks is that I am sure none of the idiots will ever read this and see how a regular Joe like me feels about them. I have had a chance to meet Frank and I like him. Even though he though he is a (gasp) republican I have and will continue to vote for him.
While this scandal continues to make me sick the people who had and paid for work done, thinking everything was above board, are victims plain and simple and should be treated as such. They should NOT be treated as being part of the scandal. The people who wasted our tax dollars are the ones who should be punished. I would like to know which idiot democrats in the legislature are the ones asking for his resignation so if I ever have the chance to 'NOT' vote for this person I will. If I don't I will never vote for a democrat for the Monroe County Legislature ever again and this is from someone who votes blue. I am so sick of the political crap in this state between the two current political parties that I cannot wait to retire and move somewhere else. Maybe we should bring back the Whig party?

Things I would like to see

1) I would like to see the Geico Gecko attempt to sell insurance to either a hungry Les Stroud or Bear Grylls. I am sure the Gecko could easily obtain a 97% satisfaction rating lying in the stomach of either of those two survivalists.
2) T.O. have a career year in Buffalo leading the Bills to the playoffs for this first time in many moons despite Dick Jauron's best attempts to prevent it. For some reason I have always liked T.O. as he adds a certain savoir faire to a game that the NFL hierarchy trys to remove. People pay good money to get ENTERTAINED. Is that not the objective of football...to entertain? I enjoyed Billy 'White Shoes" Johnson and Elmo Wright when they played. Today's game is becoming too sterile.
3) The NY State senate beamed to the moon. Hasn't our state government done enough(well really it has not done anything worthy of note but that's for another blog) to embarrass us to the world? We continue to have the most dysfunctional government of any state in the union. I do not care who is running the show, just unlock the doors, let them in( so they can close them and lock them up again after they get in) and MAYBE, just maybe they may pass a bill or two before their next long break.
4) Tom Golisano stay in Florida and screw up their state government instead. Despite all of the good this man has done the senate coup will certainly tarnish his image, it has in mine. If this body does not reconvene again in the near future there is a good chance a certain bill, that needs to get passed yearly, won't get passed in a timely manner so that the 40+ counties in the state, that charge a higher tax rate like Monroe County, may have to raise property taxes to cover the hundreds of millions of dollars shortfall that will occur. If this happens the people of NY should get together for a class action lawsuit against Mr. Golisano to recoup the tax monies this man may cause them to have to pay out. He proudly has claimed responsibility for this mess, we should make him pay for it.
5) China go in and clean out the mess known as North Korea. Even the Chinese think this country and its leader, are out of touch with reality. We should make a deal with the Chinese government in which they go in and clean out the idiots and put in whatever government they want. As long as Seoul is clued in on what would happen they probably would sit back and not care. We do not need idiots like the ones in charge in North Korea running loose and threatening the world with their atomic weapons. While the Chinese are not that big on civil rights the people in North Korea would probably feel like they were in America after Kim Jong Il and his band of idiots are removed. This would probably never happen but its nice to think about it.
6) Kevin Williams transferred to Antarctica. Hey, the man likes snow and cold, lets make him happy.
7) The US and Cuba normalize relations. Hasn't this been going on long enough? For crying out loud we fought the North Vietnamese and lost a lot of good men but now we have near normal relations with that country. While Raul is still a Castro he seems to be more in touch and willing to deal than his brother. The only real thing preventing this is the bloc of Cuban nationals residing in Florida that continually want the status quo. Nixon went to China, maybe someone with enough foresight will go to Cuba. Cuba has never really known democracy. Fidel and his band of merry men overthrew a right wing dictatorship led by Batista. Batista was as corrupt as they come but I guess it did not matter.
8) The Hubble Space Telescope and the Mars Rovers last many more years. They have served us well and I hope they will continue to. They are a tribute to American technology and wherewithal!

I have returned

Your King of Moronica has taken a well needed vacation to recharge his creative juices. I will soon report on my visit to the Hungarian delegation to Myrtle Beach which will result in continued peace between Moronica and Hungary. I am sure to have something to say about everybody's favorite liberal idiot Nancy Pelosi who, by the way, makes Sergeant Schultz look like he knew everything. We shall examine our new baseball 'roid buddies in Manny and A-Roid. We may even take a look at T.O. in Buffalo who brings a new level of excitement to this moribund franchise. Can he save Mr. Mind's (Dick Jauron's) job? Keep your eyes peeled for future blogs! Tell your friends the King is back!!

Climatic Change and Global Warming

Sometimes King Dinglefritz would like to change his focus and expound upon a serious subject. Today's subject is climate change, and in particular global warming. I have a BA in Geography, a minor in Geology and a concentration in Environmental Studies from SUNY Geneseo so I am no dummy in this area. This blog is in response to an essay by fellow blogster "Repoman" whose blog I follow and enjoy to the extent a left leaning middle of the road person can. While I agree with the first two full paragraphs and the first sentence of the third of what he wrote I disagree with the a lot of the rest of his essay. He is concerned that taking dramatic steps to prevent global warming will reduce our standard of living. Well, if Al Gore and the scientists that he supports are correct then doing nothing will reduce our standard of living even more. What happens if the climate changes in a way that people cannot continue to thrive in areas in which they do now? What happens if the monsoon in India stops and its winds do not bring the much needed seasonal rain? What happens if the breadbasket of our country turns into a desert? What happens to our beaches when the warming Earth's icecaps melt and oceans rise? What happens if the Gulf Stream gets cut off by the cold Labrador current thereby denying the northern Hemisphere of its moderating influence? These are questions that may be faced if we continue to pump greenhouse gases into our atmosphere at an alarming rate.
Lets look at the three biggest greenhouse gases there are. The first is Carbon Dioxide and one only has to look at the planet Venus to see what too much of this gas can do. The planet's surface swelters at 900 degrees because the gas lets infrared radiation in but does not let it out. It acts as a blanket. Let me make an example of this using an everyday thing that people use...a car. Lets say that a car with its windows down is the atmosphere of the earth before man started using fossil fuels and pumping CO2 into the atmosphere. As more gas gets pumped into the air the windows start rolling up until it reaches a point where the heat builds up more quickly than it can escape. We have all opened a car door on a hot day in the summer when the windows have been up. We have all felt that blast of hot air that is released when that door is opened. This is the gas we have the most control over its release into our atmosphere.
The second greenhouse gas is water vapor. All you have to do is walk outside on a clear, crisp winter night. It gets damn cold out there. It gets nowhere near as cold when it is cloudy out and why is that? Water vapor holds in heat just as well, if not better than CO2. If the Earth heats up from more CO2 in it's air then it is inevitable that the rate of evaporation increases too as a warmer atmosphere can hold more water vapor in it.
The third greenhouse gas is methane. We have all had a chuckle at the cow tax proposed but while I do not support a cow tax this is one mean greenhouse gas. I would bet either Rush Limbaugh or Nancy Pelosi can pump more greenhouse gases through their mouths and butts than the average cow. It would behoove us to keep its release into the atmosphere at a minimum. BUT, this is the gas that we probably have the least control of as the earth creates its own methane through the decay of organic materials, especially in the ocean.
Repoman goes on by having us look at some charts. Well, anyone can make a chart read what they want it to read so it does not matter whether you are for it or against it. I could make a chart that makes Oprah Winfrey look thin but that would be altering the facts to fit what I want you to believe.
Repoman also states that the Earth goes through climatic cycles of warmth and cooling. I totally agree with this statement. Recently the Earth has gone through a couple of cooling cycles. The first of three examples in recent history I will write about is called the 'Maunder Minimum'. It lasted for a period of a little over 50 years from the late 1600s to the early 1700s when sunspot activity on the sun was at an extreme minimum. The Earth's climate went haywire. There were terrible droughts and extremely severe winters in the northern hemisphere during this period. Second, In 1815 Mt. Tambora in Indonesia blew its top, it made Mt St. Helens look like a little firecracker in comparison, and 1816 became known as the year without a summer. Crops failed and there was snow on the ground year round in areas. Third, Mt Pinatubo's blast in the early 90s brought Earth's global temperature down by over a degree Celsius for a couple of years. You could see a pink aura around the sun for a couple of years from the aerosols pumped into the stratosphere by this blast until they finally dissipated. As you can see a lot of the recent cooling cycles can be explained naturally but the overall trend is towards a warmer climate. Our climate is just like the stock market with ups and downs but the overall course is upwards (at least we all hope when it comes to our 401ks).
Even the Earth's axis has a natural wobble that in the course of its meanderings affects our climate in ways that we have only begun to understand. The Earth has been in a warming cycle for the past 11,000 years since the last ice age ended but lately the warming has been exaggerated. Is man the cause of this?? This question must be answered before it is too late.
We do not need a multi billion dollar carbon tax. What we need is to recoup some of the money being thrown away at AIG, our banks, the car industry and a war that we never should have gotten ourselves mixed into and devote some of that cash into the development of cheaper technology to control greenhouse gas emissions. I know people do not want the government to get bigger than it already is and I agree with that but in this case it should get involved. The government can create jobs in this field by employing people once better technology is developed to go to various industries and help them convert to lower emission systems that could be develped using the money that is being thrown away at this time. The companies would not have to spend their money to do this. Hell, if we are going to get taxed I would like to see the money spent wisely.
In Conclusion, I agree there should be debate. Both sides must be heard and answers must be found. If the naysayers are right and we do nothing and we will be fine. If the naysayers are right and we take steps to reduce the crap we put into our atmosphere we are left with a better planet. If the global warming advocates are right and we do nothing, well I do not want to think of what would be the result of this scenario. If global warming advocates are right and we start taking steps to reduce emissions, in the hope that we can reduce it before we get past the point of no return, we can prevent a catastrophe. This reminds me of the movie "When Worlds Collide" when the scientists present their ideas at the UN in regards to the upcoming collision with the star Bellus. One group claims that the Earth will collide with this star while the other group calls them a bunch of attention seeking crackpots saying the Earth will survive what will be a close encounter. The group for the collision started building a spaceship to reach a planet circling the rogue star and when it was too late the other side agreed that the collision was imminent but there was not time for them to do anything. Does this sound familiar?????
Repoman speaks of taking irretrievable steps. Most any step the Government can take is reversible. The only irretrievable step is to do nothing if the global warming advocates are right. Carbon taxes can be rescinded if passed. People dying from starvation can not.
The choice is clear.... we can do something to help ourselves now or do nothing... and face obliteration....with my apologies to Klaatu.

Seventh Inductee into the Moronica Hall of Fame

Usually it takes a few memorable pieces of moronica over a period of time to be inducted into my Hall of Fame but this gentleman takes the cake with probably the biggest piece of moronica in the history of United States economics. This gentleman has just admitted to CNN that he placed a loophole in the stimulus package that allowed the economy's biggest villain of all, AIG, to pay millions upon millions of dollars in bonuses to some of the most worthless executives in the history of the free market. This admission leaves me speechless so thank goodness I am writing this and not talking. What makes this gentleman so extra special is that he is the chairman of the Senate Banking Committee. This man is Senator Chris Dodd, D-Conn.
This man blatantly lied when questioned previously about the loophole claiming he was not involved at all in its insertion. I'll bet you since he is a democrat he probably has not even paid his taxes. AIG is probably the biggest villain there is in this current economic meltdown and to have a loophole to allow them to pay bonuses with OUR money is sheer and total moronica. To be the chairman of the Senate Banking Committee and do something as totally stupid and moronic as this means instant induction into the MHOF. It is very hard to believe that Chris Dodd is actually working for the people who elected him instead of being a tool for the big corporations as it now appears he is. If he has any sense of honor he should resign his seat as chairman immediately and possibly even resign his seat in the senate. It is displayed ignorance like this that makes Congress look like a bunch of buffoons that cannot do anything right. Can the American people trust this man to do the right thing anymore, especially in this rotten economic climate???? Definitely NOT!!! We badly need, at this time, elected officials we can trust to do what is right for us and not be a corporate stooge.
GOP ex-congressman Rob Simmons plans to challenge Chris Dodd in the coming election and he will have a field day with this political football that has just been kicked to him. If does not score a touchdown with it then shame on him. If Chris Dodd gets re-elected to another term in the senate then the people of Connecticut deserve him and they may be inducted into the MHOF.
If you see Senator Chris Dodd please let him know of his induction and the honor of which that has been bestowed upon him.

Moronican History

I was thinking that some of you might want a brief history of the Kingdom of Moronica. Well, there is really not much to tell as the Kingdom has had a very peaceful existence except for a brief stretch in the early forties. I will relate this unseemly time period to you as briefly as possible.
It all started when four ruthless businessmen who, at the time were engaged in the development of munitions, were getting very concerned about their falling profits. Their names were Mr, Onay, Ixnay, Amscray and Umpchay. Their plan was to foment an insurrection and have the public march upon the King of Moronica's palace, who at that time was my grandfather Herman the six and seven eighths, and replace him with a dictator. They would then encourage the new dictator to 'expand' Moronica's territory thereby increasing their profits through the sale of their arms. Unfortunately, thanks to a beer putsch, they were successful in forcing the King to abdicate his throne. In his stead they put in their puppet dictator whose name was Moe Hailstone who, along with his two henchmen Jerome 'Curley' Gallstone who was made Field Marshall and Larry Pebble who was named the Minister of Propaganda, wrecked havoc among their neighbors. They ended up forming the axle powers along with fellow dictators Benito Chizzelini and his Excellency the Bay of Rum. Fortunately, there was a spy entrenched among Moe Hailstone's close knit group, his secretary and astrologer who, as it turned out, was the famous Matty Herring. She was placed there by the four ruthless businessmen after they realized they had made a huge mistake in putting the completely moronic Hailstone in power. Thanks to Matty Herring's work rifts developed among the axle powers as Moe Hailstone, who was quickly becoming a meglomaniac, soon learned through the counsel of his 'astrologer', that his fellow axle members were going to roast him instead of letting him increase his power and territory. Hailstone figured that the best way to stay in power would be to eliminate his fellow dictators and called a meeting. In the turmoil that followed during this meeting the mindless dictators managed to eliminate themselves thereby allowing the King to re assume his throne. Moronica has remained a peace loving Kingdom ever since.

Shocking

Your King had a royal shock today when his Queen came home this afternoon. As if the omelet adventure wasn't bad enough she ended up having her nose pierced and a stud put in it. Now here is an area where the King of Moronica does have an opinion, and an area of shallowness(except for my opinion on smoking). UGH! The things that drive me nuts, in order of royal pestilence, are as follows starting with the worst.
1) Smoking - The King thoroughly abhors smoking and would not have even considered asking a smoker out. On the personal rating scale of 1-10, smoking is an automatic minus five points to start with no matter how pretty a young lady may be. Anyone stupid enough to get hooked on these moronic nicotine injectors, especially nowadays, is just plain stupid. Why risk your health? I have had two cousins die from emphysema and have seen what it has done to a few of my other relatives, including my father. It ages you and rots your innards. Double UGH!
2) Tattoos - Tattoos start off as an automatic deduction of at least two points, even if it is hidden or nice looking. The larger and more numerous, the larger the deduction. You have to remember that these things stay with you forever. If you have one done on your breast just imagine what it may look like when you turn seventy five and the inevitable sagging strikes. An unobtrusive little heart tattoo there may end up looking like it needs a transplant.
3) Piercings - Ears are fine, anywhere else you start having deductions. The Queen gets a minus one for hers and an additional minus one for the shock to my heart, as when you get to be my age the only shocks you usually end up getting are from defibrillators. Now, naturally, the more you have the larger the deduction. I cannot even imagine what the deduction would be if the person's face ended up looking like barbed wire, as some people do strive to attain. A bone through the nose is definitely outsville! UGH.
Now the King still dearly loves his Queen but she does enjoy pressing my buttons to see what kind of reaction she will get. Today's was a good one as she pressed the red one. As Daffy Duck says "Never press the wed one!" Only here in Moronica.

Shopping Carts

King Dinglefritz's royal mutt needed a large bag of food bought for her today so I went to the local Wegmans to purchase it. Now the question is, why is it every time I grab a shopping cart there there is always one wheel that is either designed to spin around or wobble causing the entire cart to feel like it has Parkinson's Disease? (Dare I even mention the wheel that just plain does not move at all) This cart I grabbed today had the best of both worlds. It had a shaky wheel and the wheel also spun round and round. Watching it spin made me dizzy(much dizzier than I already naturally am). Who is the moronic genius that designed this modern day devise of sheer and utter torture? I would rather be water boarded than to grab any store's shopping cart and walk around the store with it. After I was done shopping I still had the shakes long after I returned the cart to the cart deposit rack. It was so bad I thought I was coming down with first stage Parkinson's while driving home. If someone can please give me the name of the moronic genius that invented the shopping cart whirrly wheel he or she will be immediately inducted into the MHOF. The Marquis De Sade would have been proud of this person. Just think of the info the CIA could obtain if they used this device down in Guantanamo Bay and the public outrage that would occur if the public found out about it. I am certain the KGB must have been involved in the development of the shopping cart wheel as it has such a simple, yet intelligent design, an obvious hallmark of Russian craftsmanship.

Bankruptcy for Everyone!!!

The King of Moronica has tried to refrain from delving into politics lately and has made every effort to keep things light hearted but your King just cannot keep his mouth shut today. The House today passed a mortgage aid bill which has me really has me wondering about the sanity of our elected officials. This bill will allow bankruptcy judges to rewrite mortgages to reduce the principal and the interest rate. Supporters of this bill say this will force banks to negotiate with mortgagors for better terms. Banks are very willing to work with mortgagors within reason and they do not need some bankruptcy judge rewriting mortgage terms for them. The reason for this is that no bankruptcy judge is the same. They march to their own beat. Some are pro debtor, others are pro creditor and the rest are just plain nuts. Should this bill become law it will create a flood of bankruptcy filings in epic proportions, especially in courts that are known to favor debtors, in order to have judges rewrite mortgages and that is a joke and should not be tolerated. What is going to happen is that mortgagors are going to find every loophole, and Congress is well known for leaving the biggest of loopholes, to take advantage of this law. What would stop mortgagors from running up a large credit card debt, refinancing their mortgage to pay it off and then filing a bankruptcy to cram down the mortgage six months later. Why, the very thought of something like that would send my wife to the mall in a heartbeat. At least the Senate is thinking about putting in a provision limiting this to existing mortgages but even this has a flaw. You can still run up a large credit debt if you knowingly have a mortgage that would qualify you for a bankruptcy rewrite and then cram down that mortgage down leaving the filer with extra money to pay off their luxuries at a reduced rate during the term of their bankrupcty. Ridiculous!. This is a bill that rewards stupidity. Since when do we need Congress writing laws to reward this??? When I purchased my Kingdom of Moronica I made sure that the property I was buying was affordable and that I could live within my means while paying off my mortgage. I did not try to purchase a property that I knew I could not afford. There is no way I would have ever accepted an adjustable rate mortgage which is a big reason for a large number of foreclosures. You have to be a moron to agree to one of those. They lure you in with a great interest rate and after a couple of years of rate adjustments you end up paying a monthly payment that could be up to twice of what you were originally paying. Ugh!
A bill like this can only happen because the House of Representatives is loaded with a bunch of fools that is led by an even bigger fool. You cannot pass a bill that is knowingly armed with opportunities for great abuse just for the sake of passing a bill. The House GOP had some decent ideas that should have been incorporated into the version passed but they were totally ignored by the Democrats. So much for bipartisanship.
Today's bankruptcy courts are overloaded with enough legitimate cases from people who really do need bankruptcy protection along with a ton of ignorant fools who spend beyond their means and then wonder why they cannot make payments. I have no pity for people who amass so much credit card debt and then sink in it. I specialize in moronica, not stupidity.
The passage of this bill will only destabilize the housing market further by driving up mortgage rates as banks will be looking to recoup money from lost interest. As Rep. Lamar Smith of Texas says "This legislation punishes the successful, it taxes the responsible, and it holds no one accountable." It is a bill that President Obama should veto if it makes it to his desk as is. No Bankruptcy judge should be allowed to rewrite a mortgage. They specialize in law, not economics. The Kingdom of Moronica Does not support this foolish legislation and supports those who strive to have it defeated. MORONICA UBER ALLES!!!

Ralph Esposito

The Kingdom of Moronica has recently learned that the Supervisor of the Kingdom of Gates is stepping down after 20 years of service to this community after his term expires this November. Ralph Esposito is a man who was previously honored in a statement by my Kingdom a few months ago for a job well done and I honor him again and wish him well. May he have many years of a much deserved retirement and once again I say "Good Job Ralph!!" Gates is a better community for your efforts. You have set the bar of achievement high for the next elected head of this town to match. The people of Moronica and Gates thank you.

The Natives are Restless

It has been requested by a reader of my blog of moronica that the King should expound some of his moronic wisdom on the topic of the Native Americans and their travails with the State of New York. I have given this much thought and, not being an expert on the subject, I decided that I should give my good friend Chief Raininthepuss of the Ungadunga Tribe of South Central Lower Upstate New York a call for his valued opinion. The chief and I go way back and I always look forward to chatting with him.
"Hello, may I speak with Chief Raininthepuss please?"
"Ugh, this Chief Raininthepuss speaking. Who this?
"Your friend, King Dinglefritz of Moronica."
"FRITZY!!!!Its good to be speaking with you my friend! At least now, knowing its you, I can dump that stupid phony native American accent everyone expects from me. What can I do for you?"
"I don't know why you ever use that accent but hey, that is your choice. I called to get some of your thoughts on you and your fellow tribes battle with New York State."
"Fritzy, I will be honest with you, We will try to get every last cent, piece of land or whatever we realistically can from the state and or federal governments. They started screwing us from the moment they stepped off the boats onto Plymouth Rock. And the screwing got worse the farther west they spread and we just want to rectify it. We know we can't get it all back but we just want a fair shake. I mean they took our land, killed our buffalo and expected us to just sit back and smile. All we want to is to live and operate the way we choose to on what little territorial lands we have left and have them honor whatever treaties there are that actually give us a break."
"Peacefully, of course?"
" Of course. The Seneca and the Oneida tribes are doing their best at taking the 'white man's' money through their casinos."
"Even then you had to sign deals with the State to give them a piece of the action in order to build these on YOUR lands."
"Another screw job perpetrated upon us by the State Government. Our only worthwhile weapon is depriving the State of tax money through the untaxed sales of goods in our stores located on our territorial lands."
"Especially cigarettes, eh?"
"Yes, especially them. It was our plan to provide cheap smokes to all of the non-natives and get them all hooked on them. This would cause population reductions from the diseases the smokes would cause so we could take over our lands again. The stupid plan backfired as most of my tribe's people ended up puffing away."
"The best laid plans my friend.....and now the State wants you to start taxing your smokes."
"Yes Fritzy, We were going to fight that the best way we can using the Seneca's plan of about twenty five moons er years ago. We were going to put tires across the State Route 798 that runs through my tribe's land and burn them in protest."
"What happened to that plan?"
"Well, its hard for it to be effective when the only cars that use that route are my fellow tribes men's cars."
"Figures. Well you know the Kingdom of Moronica fully supports all Native Americans in their efforts to realistically reverse the screw jobs of the past. The US Government forced you off your native lands and put you onto tiny, crappy reservations. And then if they found something that they liked on those tiny, crappy reservations, like gold, they booted you off them too into crappier reservations."
"Our ancestors tried their best in keeping what they could but we could not continue to fight the unending resources of the US Government. They forced us to sign one sided treaties and even now when an old treaty gives us a half of a leg to stand on they try to deny it. The State does the same thing. Its no wonder we natives have such a big problem with 'firewater'."
"The various levels of governments in this country have driven many a person, natives included, to drink my friend. Its also a shame that the State tries to constantly interfere with you and your fellow tribes in the business that you do. Whatever help my Kingdom of Moronica can provide to you in your peaceful battles with Governor Paterson's State of Taxation I will try to provide but my resources are very limited too. "
"Thanks Fritzy. I appreciate all of your support. If worse comes to worse your scalp will remain safely attached to your head."
"Thanks, I think."
"On June 15 my Ungadunga tribe is having a, well, powwow celebration and we will have representatives of all other New York tribes present. At the end of the celebration we are going to borrow an idea from the Arabs and throw moccasins at a statue of the governor. You are invited."
"I will try to make it, but as I do want to try to maintain somewhat cordial relations with the State of New York, I will have to refrain from throwing either shoes or moccasins. Its good chatting with you my friend! Good luck in your battles with the state!"
"Thanks Fritzy and as my ancestors would say..'May the bird of paradise, when flying overhead, not poop on your car'. You are a good friend my fellow chief."
Take care Chief!"

The House passes resolution to honor actor Paul Newman

Bully to our House of Representatives!!! I am glad everything in this country is so honky dory that they have time to honor this great actor. Sometimes you just have to wonder about our elected officials.
Lets take a look at what they passed... The resolution includes an honor to actor Paul Newman which is fine, but also includes 10 million dollars to study Mexican Jumping Beans and their potential for green energy, 56 million dollars to study the mating habits of crickets and their potential for green energy, 7.5 million dollars allocated to Ken Starr to find out exactly who this Dinglefritz is and 68 million dollars on a study to ascertain the possibility about building a bridge to Hawaii that will put people to work. The flow of pork never stops spewing from our crew at the Capitol!! Not even Dinosaur Barbecue can cook this mess.
Kudos to Congress for money and time well spent!!!! There is no way in the world they could ever become citizens of my honorable Kingdom of Moronica. As King, I strive to maintain a high level of moronica and I certainly would not want it diluted by the low level of moronica that Congress would bring to my realm. If this Congress is the best we can do then God help us!
The cause of the minor seismic tremors that have been recorded lately near Washington D.C. has been attributed to our founding fathers rolling in their graves.

PS: The only thing falling faster than the Stock Market is Governor Paterson's approval ratings. They are so deep in the toilet that Albany has requested, at taxpayers expense of course, a special visit by Mr. Rooter to see if he can flush them out. Good luck Mr. Rooter, Not even Jim Phelps would accept this mission!