Your King Takes Action

Well, being that Spring is nowhere to be seen I have finally decided to take drastic action in this matter. The constant cold and snow has penetrated deep into my psyche and is driving me nuts so I took the only course of action that seems logical to me. I fired the Royal Meteorologist. Someone had to take the fall for this rotten weather and it most certainly was not going to be me. It was difficult to do as I have known him for a long time but like I said...with this crappy Un-Spring heads will have to roll. It went sort of like this after I paged him into my not so Oval Office.
"Yes sire, you called for me?"
"Yes I did. You know the weather we have been having lately has been driving me insane, correct? "
"I am familiar with your rants about the weather. I do follow your Facebook page."
"I am glad that you do as you will learn a lot from my writings but that is not the point. Someone is going to have to take the fall for this Spring that isn't."
"What do you mean Sire?? Fall??"
"Yes, fall. I must take action now. Tough action. Proactive action. I must make it clear to my fellow Moronicans that I will do what it takes to improve their situation before they pull a middle east on me."
"Sire, we all love you. You have done the best that you can. Your new royal Samsung TV has greatly improved life here in Moronica."
"You are right but again, that is not the point. Action must be taken because of this weather. I am sorry but you are now royally canned."
"Sire, I am sacked?"
"Yes."
"But Sire, I have no control..."
"I don't care. Someone has to take the blame for this rotten weather and it is going to be you. You may now leave my presence and visit the Royal Unemployment Office to sign up for your 'benefits'."
"Sire, I do my best. What else can I do??? I can't just wave a wand and make it sunny and seventy five."
"It is too bad that you can't as you would still have your job, Now begone with you before you head will really roll."
"Yes Sire. Goodbye Sire. mumble. mumble, jerk, mumble."
"What did you say?"
"Nothing Sire. I now leave your presence."
I guess I was in a bad mood and I should not have really taken it out on him but my royal golf clubs are sitting and waiting for warmth to arrive and there is no sign of it. Oh well, the money I save by not paying him I can put towards a royal vacation somewhere, somewhere warm. This is your King wishing you a pleasant evening and if you ever see an ad for a new Royal Meteorologist I would not answer it if I were you. "

Your King Makes a Huge Decision

Faced with a better than expected windfall into the Moronican Treasury, thanks to my tax returns, I had a big decision to make. A lot of time and thought went into this decision and I did not want to look wishy washy, like someone in Washington D.C., when it came time to announce it. It came down to either taking a hell of a nice vacation or investing the money into the infrastructure of the monarchy. Great pains went into this decision. The pros and cons were tallied and compared to each other to help decide what would be the best use of these funds for the good of Moronica. After great thought I decided to use the funds for the betterment of Moronica. Infrastructure is a key component for a great society in this day and age and Moronica wants to be on the forefront of this. So your King went to Best Buy and bought a nice 46" LED Samsung flatscreen TV. This decision will put Moronica on the top of the map when it comes to the latest TV technology. While Hawaii sounded nice it would have come and gone after a week. Hopefully this TV will last a bit longer than that and provide your King with years of high quality HD TV entertainment that I most certainly deserve. Watching the Sabres and Bills screw up will be even more fun on the big screen and when it gets hooked up to my el cheapo surround sound system it should really be enjoyable. I am looking forward to it. Hawaii??? Maybe next year. This is your King saying I may not always watch TV but when I do I watch Dos Equis commercials. Stay thirsty my friends!!

Your King gets Crowned

Well, Your King visited the Seneca Niagara Casino today in an attempt to replenish the Moronican Treasury at the expense of the Seneca Indian Nation. Well, my friends, it did not go as planned as your King left the Casino with his tail firmly between his legs. It was such a disaster I did not even get my crab to munch on as I foolishly went into the buffet a little too early. I had luck on only one machine that I played and that only payed out piddly amounts, not really enough to really cash out and feel like a winner.
I called my friend Chief Raininthepuss and told him of my adventure with the Senecas and he just laughed at me, sort of like my wizard the other day when I asked him to lift the curse that was placed upon me. He told me that his fellow chief, Chief Haslotsofwampum of the Senecas, surely appreciated my contribution today. What could I say? I guess that Haslotsofwampum now has even more wampum to put into his account. It will be a long while before I dare try my hand in the casino again. Once or twice a year is more than enough for me. Unless, of course, I decide to go to Reno in May but with the way I am bowling I find it difficult to see myself lugging bowling balls 2,500 miles west to bowl in the USBC National Tournament. The only place I want to take my bowling equipment is to the nearest bridge over the Genesee River and drop it in. It would be the most enjoyment that I have had with my bowling equipment for a good long time. Unless I decide to roll the balls down Court Street in Geneseo, but again I really digress.
Well the Sabres are now on and it is time for me to sign off and watch the game. Have a pleasant evening my friends.

Royal Droppings

1) The number one peeve that I have about athletes is when I see an athlete not being able to play because of the flu. Tomas Vanek is out of tonight's Sabre game because of it. Now I ask you with the amount of money that these guys are getting payed by their clubs don't you think that the Sabres can afford to get their players flu shots before flu season so they won't catch the bloody flu?? You would think that they would be more than happy to have a nurse come in with twenty five doses of the crap to inject into the players. But then again that would be logical.
2) I had a good chuckle during my weekly nightmare at Bedrock(Spencerport) Lanes this past Monday. Early in the first game I hear a funny noise and the sound of Niagara Falls behind me. It turns out that something, maybe the ancient roof on the place, sprung a leak and all of a sudden we had a cloudburst near the counter. Only at Bedrock. Also their oiling machine had fit last night and laid out a flood shot. Of course I did not bring my oil ball there as they are chintzy in laying out the stuff. I would never expect to have the need to use it so why lug it around? It was a battle to keep my sanity all night but the team took all eight points. That is all that matters!
3) Well, my back survived this past snowstorm without too much damage to it. I still ended up using the blower twice on my driveway as it was the heavy wet crap that this time of year is famous for. I almost waited too long to do it the first time as my blower had a battle with it. It was only about three and a half inches but it was so heavy that the poor thing nearly died...as I would have if it did. I am so sick of this damned climate.
4) My young apprentice at work came through for your King last Friday. I have had a hankering for a real Philly Cheesesteak sandwich for quite a while. Ever since I saw the bit for Philadelphia based 'Pat's King of Steaks' on a Travel Channel show a while back I have had this craving. They make it just the way I would love it. He told me of this place on the corner of Long Pond and Ridgeway that was as close as you can get to it without going to Philly. I think the name of the place was, in fact, Philly Cheesesteaks. So I went there and ordered one. I was in heaven as it was just like I would have imagined that Pat's would taste like!! If it just had a tad more Cheez Whiz it would have been perfect as I love cheese oozing all over my fingers. I will definitely be back there for more.
5) Your King is planning a trip to the Seneca Niagara Casino in the near future. I got my taxes back and will take a small bit of it and have a day out. They had better order more crab for the buffet as that will be one of my targets. I asked Mary's magic eight ball, which has never lied to me, if I would win on my next trip to the Casino. It said 'most definitely'. I hope its streak of telling me the truth continues and I come back with a wad. But then again, since Merlin could not lift my curse, who knows. I am sure I will write about the trip...unless I lose big. Stay tuned.
Well, that is enough droppings for tonight. Maybe I will grab a Dos Equis from my fridge and watch the Sabres. Stay thirsty my friends, thirsty for more of my droppings. Have a pleasant evening.
Your King.

Your King Tries to Lift the Curse

Considering the black cloud that has seemingly been hovering over my head the last few years I decided to call in my Royal Wizard, Merlin, to see if he could lift the curse that seems to have me by the petunias. It was an interesting conversation.
"Merlin, I need your help. How good are you at lifting curses?"
"Your Royal Highness, curses are right up my alley."
"That is good to hear I can really use your help with this one."
"Okay sire, of course you know the higher the level of the curse the higher the fee."
"Hey, if you get rid of this one you will be paid handsomely!"
"You have a deal sire. What I need to know is the exact wording used by the person that placed this curse on you."
"The exact wording?"
"Yes."
"It was 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'"
"Sorry bub, there is nothing I can do to lift that curse...You are on your own. I am out of here."
I guess I am cursed for life.

The Rain, The Park and Other Things

It has been such a lovely day here in the Kingdom of Moronica. Rain all day soon to be followed by 6-12 inches of white death. It was Channel 13's weatherman, Glenn Johnson's, turn to get on my nerves this week. On Friday he was showing that Sunday's storm had two possible tracks, one good for us, the other sucky. He was leaning towards the track that was good for us Friday night which would have meant only flurries and gradual clearing on Sunday. The big chicken left it for the poor weekend weather sap, Mark McLain, to lower the boom on us while he sat home out of the limelight. I have only three words to say to Glenn..."bock, bock, bock!!"
Considering that Moronica may be snowed in tomorrow I went out to eat today and decided to go to Red Lobster. Nothing like a plate full of crab and other seafaring goodies to make your King purr while awaiting the impending dumping. I still had a gift card from my 50th birthday party, which shows you that I really do not get out that much, for the place and finally got around to using it. I am now out of Red Lobster gift cards so if you readers really love your King feel free to send me new ones.
I hope that this storm proves to be a dud, which I highly doubt, as my back has finally recovered from last Friday's nightmare. It is now March. We in Moronica are supposed to be thinking of warm weather, golf and even seeing the sun on occasion but this is beginning to get ridiculous. We have already had more than enough snow this season and frankly, I am just about sick of it and I am sure all of you are too...save for my favorite snow and cold lover foil, Channel 10's Kevin Williams.
As you can tell I am really bored tonight to devote a whole blog on the weather. The Sabres played this afternoon and I forgot about that so I am stuck as Time-Warner, as usual, really has absolutely nothing on all of its channels. I could have written about how much I hate Time-Warner but I want to be in bed before midnight. I will save that for an extra boring night.
This is your King wishing you a pleasant evening. Have a Happy!!

Moronica News Wire - King Dinglefritz Reporting

1) It is hard to believe but I think the guy that runs the oiling machine at Bedrock Lanes has finally read the owner's manual and listened to the tech that delivered the machine to them. The tech told them to use light oil in the machine so what did they use until five weeks ago??? Heavy oil. The wicks did not saturate and the shot they put out sucked. The shot now is playable and my 'Great Recession' drop in my average has ceased and is now going up. I have been averaging well over 200 during the month of February. Is it enough to bring me back next season? Probably not at this time. I am getting too old to be frustrated all of the time.
2) New York State continues to make me laugh and shudder at the same time. Now they want to put license plates on bicycles, for a fee of course, make them get inspections, for a fee of course, and make certain riders get insurance. OMG what will this state do next to get a buck?? Tax my blog per word I write? I would not put it past the jerks. What this state needs is a Tunisia like revolt with people marching into Albany and toppling this state government and putting in a new one. We need to see what budget smart states are doing and start doing what they do.
3) One thing I do like though is their idea to put a cap on Teacher Superintendent pay. They make far too much money for what they do. They should be paid in regards to the size of their districts. But in the end the state will cave and teachers and state workers will continue to rape the taxpayer for their benefits so they can get their glorified state pensions. OR get another job while collecting their pension to really stick it up our chutes. You should be ineligible to collect a state pension if you continue to work. Also you should not be able to fatten up your pension by working tons of overtime in the last three years prior to your 'retirement'. Those are the real scum sucking dogs.
4) This past Friday sucked. My backed ached for days as I had to shovel quite a bit of my driveway as my small royal snow blower could not handle the amount that nature dumped on us. It tried its best but I spent an hour heave-hoeing the snow where it was too deep for it. I could just picture our pal, Kevin Williams of Channel Ten, smirking as I was dying screwing around in my driveway. You want snow, Kevin??? Move to Antarctica!!
5) I miss the Royal Mutt.
6) As you can see by the title of this blog I have to do all of my reporting. The depletion of the Royal treasury by the ex-queen has resulted in my canning the entire Moronica press corp. Maybe I can hire one back after I get my tax return. It is either that or a trip somewhere warm this spring. Right now the trip is leading all Moronica opinion polls by wide margins. My friend Mike wants me to go to Reno this May. Unfortunately that would include bowling. Talk about ruining a trip to the Worlds Biggest Little City. I have been to Reno twice and have enjoyed it both times...but that was when bowling was fun. It is not fun anymore.
7) I am happy that we are now in March. Good bye February and good riddance!! Last year we did not get a flake of snow the entire month. Can we get that lucky this year or will Mother Nature make up for last year. I have a bad feeling about this month. But there is always hope.
This is your King wishing you a pleasant evening. Have a happy!!!