BVDs, BVDs, Where Fore Art Thou BVDs!!!

You know what really sucks? It sucks when you have a favorite brand of undershorts and cannot find them anywhere locally. Last night I took a trip to stock up on some BVD undershorts. I like them as they are relatively inexpensive, maintain their fit and last longer than most other brands. JC Penneys, at the Greece Ridge Mall, usually carries this brand but when I visited the store it looked like they were closing them out as not much was left in BVD's small, and I do mean small, section located in the Men's Undershorts Dept. I was livid, not to mentioned pissed off. I stomped out and headed to check out Sears, Macy's and Target even though I knew my searches there were going to be fruitless and, of course, they were. While I was making my rounds I checked the prices for other brands of undershorts and was amazed at what I saw. They put some dopey guys name on a package of shorts and are charging $27 for a package of three briefs. OMG man!! I just want a decent pair of undershorts to wear...I don't want to wear "Johnny Smith's" specialty brand of briefs for a bazillion dollars apiece. My stinky butt isn't worth that price.
Now, as a good guy, I would love to keep the money that I spend on such things local so it upsets me when I have to go online to get something as simple as BVD brand underwear. I have tried other brands...some lose their fit and start to sag, some just fall apart after a few wearings but BVD brand undertrou lasts and lasts. Hmm, maybe that is why these stores have stopped selling them but I digress. Maybe I am paranoid but it always seems that when I like something a store decides to get rid of it. An example of this would be Mancini brand sweet peppers in tomato sauce. I used to get a jar of this from Wegmans whenever I cooked up some Tony Costanza's cajun sausages. There is nothing like a Tony Costanza cajun sausage with peppers and tomato sauce on a bun but since I liked it Wegmans got rid of it. I now have to buy a pepper and a can of tomato sauce and make my own when I cook up a Tony Costanza cajun sausage. It is just as good but now I have to do more work and clean up more dishes. I preferred the lazy way. Another example would be Tombstone Pizza as I liked that and again Wegmans stopped carrying it. Maybe I should get rid of my shoppers club card that is telling Wegmans what I like to buy. And it is not just Wegmans. I bought my squirrel chow from Walmart and guess what...it looks like they have phased that out too. Heaven forbid if I run out of squirrel chow and my squirrels decide to revolt.
But getting back to the BVD situation you would think that at least one local store would keep a good stock of these on hand. But no. I had counted on Penneys to be my bastion for BVDs but they have failed your King miserably. All I want are undershorts that I know will not let your King, and his royal heiny, down. And yes, I found an online men's store that sells my BVDs and I stocked up so JC Penneys can now go screw itself....Man am I nasty today or what? I guess you would be nasty too if it concerned the comfort of your butt.

Boom Boom...Out Go The Lights

Well, in the middle of the Sabres-Bruins hockey the lights went out in Moronica. Hmm, Maybe Vicki Lawrence can make a song out of that but I digress. The winds were predicted to howl last night and howl they did but they were not even singing at full speed yet when the area went dark. I have to give kudos to RG&E as they had the power back up in 90 minutes. We have had winds in this area much stronger than what we had last night without barely a flicker but out they went.
At least the lights came back on in time for me to see the Sabres beat the Bruins in a shootout. It looks like the Sabres, now relatively healthy and despite Mindy Ruff's horrible system and coaching ability, are trying to make a run at the playoffs again. They did it last year only to run out of gas in the playoffs.The season started off so well and the turn in it came when Milan Lucic ran Sabre goalie Ryan Miller and left him with a concussion. The thing was that nobody turned out Lucic's lights after it happened. The team pussified when it should have gone into caveman mode. Now I am not a fan of the big time brawls, and I have seen a couple of doozies between these two teams, but if there was ever a time for an all out brawl between two teams that was the time. Nobody came to Miller's defense and it was a sad sight to see. This, I believe, led to the Sabres slide down to the bottom, not the injuries that the Sabre hierarchy claims was the reason.

Hell Freezes Over!!!

Shock of shocks. Watching the news tonight it was reported that the Madison Square Garden Network (MSG) and the Time Warner feud has finally ended on day 48 of the battle. The Basketball fans get their Knicks back and I get my Sabres back. Wait a second...that does not sound like a good deal for me as the Sabres suck eggs and the Knicks are hot. Man, I am now wondering why I let out a whoop when I heard of the deal. Oh well, at the very least I get my Red Bulls back for the upcoming MLS season and that puts a smile on your King's puss.
What is funny is the last thing that I knew they were not even speaking to each other as they both took their toys and went home. Rumor has it the State of New York did some prodding to get these two babies to stop crying and play together like good children. Looks like another win for America's best Governor Andrew Cuomo!!! Well, maybe not a win but I think he gets credited for an assist at least. Well whatever it was the MSG blackout is finally over and we again get to hear Rick Jenneret's great play by play wasted on the stinky Sabres.
Speaking of the pitiful Sabres, who we now get to watch, they got spanked by the Flyers last night. The Sabres came out fast and led 2-0 after one period and then all hell broke loose. Philly scored some quick goals in the second and then Mindy called a time out to 'settle' his club. He settled them down all right as he ranted like a fool and the Sabres then rolled over and played dead, no, they didn't play dead as they just plain died. What kind of proof does Terry Pegula need to see before he finally realizes that the team has tuned out Mindy Ruff?? If seeing the last two periods of Thursday night's game isn't enough to click those brain cells on in Pegula's skull I do not know what will do it. And we now get to see this garbage on the telly. How I miss the MSG blackout already.

Moronica Flu Strikes! Get Your Shots Now!!!

1) You know what drives your King absolutely bonkers?? I will call it the Moronica Flu. This happens when a person catches it and does stupid things. I sent an email yesterday to someone who must have had a serious case of this flu. I was proactive and gave this person all the pertinent information required and what do I get today?? An email back requesting the exact same information that I provided in my email yesterday. Why to I even try to be proactive when I am subjected to moronica like this? I may not be the brightest bulb around but I would like to think that the person at the other end of an informative email is a bit brighter than a ten watt bulb. Geez!!!
2) Well, after visiting the Royal Accountant yesterday I found that Moronica once again qualifies for its yearly foreign aid payment from the United States Government. The amount is not as much as last year but it will be needed and appreciated. I always wish it could be more but beggars cannot be choosers.
3) The Buffalo Sabres season...may it rest in peace. Please, oh please, let Terry Pegula recover from the Moronica Flu and get rid of Darcy Regier and Mindy Ruff. Is that too much to ask for?
4) Nothing like coming home and finding a rare message left on my answering machine. Could it be Yolanda Vega? Crystal Egger? Vladimir Putin? Warren Buffett? Nope. As usual it was from some company looking for my ex-queen. Boy, I wonder what THEY want.... As if I didn't know. I do enjoy calling them back and telling them that they are two years too late...and then rat out her phone number. At least it stops them from bugging me.
5) Why couldn't George Washington, Martin Luther King and Abe Lincoln have been born during the summer??
Oh well, It is another tiresome, boring work week night. As you can tell by the number of postings in my blog so far this year I have had many of those nights. Maybe it is time for me to find a new queen ......................... Pardon me as it took about fifteen minutes for me to stop laughing, collect my thoughts and continue. I may be a bit moronic but I am not stupid. Though some people may beg to differ on that. Bye for now!

Maniacal Alpacas Reported in Washington County New York

We just received a special report from one of Moronica News Central's lead field reporters that a delivery person was attacked by a pack of Alpacas near a town in Washington County New York.
In an interview with Moronica's reporter the shocked delivery person said " I was going to this property to make a delivery. I was warned by a coworker as I was leaving to do my job that there were Alpacas at that address but I thought what he meant were either that the people were part of an Alpaca Indian Tribe or they were some Deliverance type of people that you would find living in Appalachia. So I was preparing myself for that."
The delivery person continued "I arrived at the address, got out of my car, and approached the house when all of a sudden I see these big furry animals heading my way fast. It was only then I realized that I did not really listen to my coworker when he warned me and that Alpacas were in fact big animals with attitude. They had mouths like camels with lots of teeth and faces that looked like Bin Laden's and they were coming straight at me. I was scared out of my wits but after getting bitten and kicked a few times I made it back to the safety of my car only to have the beasts snarling and spitting at me. I started my car and got out of there as fast as I could.
The reporter also stated that the delivery person felt like it was a scene out of Deliverance and considered herself lucky she wasn't Ned Beatty'd. So I guess the moral of this report is to avoid Washington County Alpacas unless you want to squeal like a pig.
This story is basically true and I want to thank a good friend who gave me the gist of this story so that the world can be alerted to these crazed Alpacas! To be fair some items in this report were adjusted to protect the innocent and make the story fit for Moronican consumption.

Some Bah From Your Favorite Humbug

1) I think it is time we had the Ghost Hunters come to Rochester, New York for a visit. While they were in Naples they should have come up and checked out a car that is owned by a friend of mine. It seems lately that the car is haunted. The power windows to my friend's BMW, yes BMW, seem to go up and down on their very own. Nobody has to be anywhere near the car for the windows to be doing this so it is just plain easy to figure out that this vehicle is haunted. Luckily the windows to the official vehicle of your King are manually powered thus making it difficult for the spirits to have fun with it. Hmm, methinks your King should be driving a BMW.
2) Word has it that Santa has been dumped by Pepsi. In an official report from Pepsi headquarters it seems that Santa's close association with Coca-Cola over the years has made his advertising with Pepsi a bit unbelievable so Pepsi has jettisoned our favorite bearded fat man from its payroll. Santa could not be reached at this time for comment as he is vacationing in the Bahamas. Looks like the jolly old man will be working a bit more this year than last(see posting from August '11). Heartbreaking.
3) We had about fifteen inches of snow this past weekend in Moronica and after today a good chunk of it has melted. Even the squirrels are coming out to my feeder for a snack. From the looks of the forecast the ground may be bare again, at least where it did not get piled up, as the temperatures are going to be in the mid-forties by Wednesday. What a goofy winter.
4) Speaking of weather I cannot think of a hotter meteorologist than the Weather Channel's Crystal Egger. What I wouldn't give to find her under my Christmas Tree with a nice red bow in her hair with a sticky that says TO: King Dinglefritz...FROM: Santa. Now that would make my wait worthwhile!!! Hooooboy!!
Wait, wait...I have just received a report from a Moronica News Central reporter from North Central New York. After a quick review I will post it later tonight. Stay tuned!!!!

Winter Finally Arrives With an Attitude in Moronica and Stuff

It is now February 12 and it looks like winter has finally arrived here in Moronica. We have had about 8-10 inches so far, mostly thanks to that stinking Lake Ontario, and it is still falling. I drove to Wegmans to get my paper and the roads are absolutely atrocious. I am sure the road crews are doing the best they can but for a while the snow was falling at well over an inch an hour and it is hard for them to keep up to that. But at least it now looks like winter outside. As long as I am home and have nowhere to go I can sit and enjoy watching the flakes fall. While I hate the white crap this winter has felt strange without it and when we did get some it was gone the next day.
I am glad I made it to the Golf Expo yesterday because I certainly would not have made the drive in this crap today. I wonder if they shut down route 390 near the airport again today as it is much worse out than it was at this time Saturday. Also, the funny thing about this winter is when it does snow a lot it seems to come on the weekend, which is fine with me.
1) I watched a movie Friday night that I am dying to write about but I missed the first 20 minutes of it so I cannot at this time. Unlike 'Earth's Final Hours', for which I missed the first 20 minutes of and I thank god for that, I need to see the beginning of this movie because it is so weird. The name of this movie is 'Rubber' and it is about a sentient tire, of all things, that rolls around and has the ability to blow up animals and make people's heads explode. That last hour of the movie is so strange that I need to see the start, which I will on Monday night, because this movie is a must to write about. Hmm, a sentient tire...what will they think of next??
2) I had a good laugh today watching Italian soccer. Powerhouse Inter Milan lost a home game to league cellar dweller Novara today. Man, how I love it when a 'Yankees' like team takes it on the chin from an underdog, especially at home.
3) I filled up my squirrel feeder yesterday but even the squirrels are smart enough to stay home when it sucks this badly out. When you see the amount of traffic out on the roads on a day like today it makes you wonder which species is actually smarter when it sucks out. So far the score today is Squirrels 1 - King - 0. I will stay home for the rest of the day in hopes of evening the score. We shall see if they venture out.

FORE!!!! Route 390 Closed As They Let The Snow Play Through.

Your King decided to take a road trip down to the Dome Arena in Henrietta today, incognito of course, to visit the Golf Expo that was being held there. It was a tad disappointing as most of the boothes were either golf courses advertising themselves or charities trying to get donations. There were maybe four good areas where you could peruse a goodly amount of golf equipment so I spent some time in them looking at the merchandise. I really only need a few items, some I wish that Santa will bring me on February 29, but what I really wanted was a new gap/sand wedge. I found what I was looking for in one of the sales areas so I bought it. It is a 52 degree Cleveland C-15 wedge. Cleveland wedges are supposed to be one of the top of the line models and it replaces the piece of crap sand wedge that I had. It may take some getting used to as I expect this club to enhance any spin I put on the ball thereby increasing hold on the green and eliminating the BOING factor. It was rather pricey but still a lot cheaper than buying it at Dicks.
Now, the weather today was rather poor when I headed down to Henrietta and travel was a bit slower as we finally had a visit from Old Man Winter. Coming back from the Expo was rather interesting. I found that the entrance to Route 390 North was blocked off at the 390/590 split. I figured that there must be an accident somewhere so I went up 590 and crossed the city using 490 to return to Moronica. When I stopped at the sub shop to grab a bite for lunch I asked a gentleman if he knew what happened on 390. He told me that he heard that they shut it down at the airport to prevent another mass pileup, which involved over thirty vehicles, like the one they had in that area a couple of years ago. Now that is all well and good but are they going to do this every time it snows in Rochester??? A few years ago they built a mini tunnel around the airport in that area which raised the ground level next to the expressway on the airport side considerably. Due to the stupidity and lack of foresight of the designers mother nature now uses this increased elevation as its own runway to send snow flying across the expressway. During a wind driven snow this area has become one of the most dangerous stretches of road in New York. The stretch of expressway involved is only about 300 yards long but when the snow is blowing that part of the road can have visibility instantly reduced to zero even though on either side of the stretch the visibility is fine. They tried installing one of those cheap orange snow fences to try to alleviate this problem but that fence is a complete failure. I have watched the snow just fly over, and thumb its nose at, it when it was blowing and you can tell that it presented no obstacle to the snow. The designers of this airport mini tunnel 'improvement' should be enshrined into my Moronica Hall of Fame so if you know who designed this marvel please let me know. These designers are probably the same folks that design residential developments right next to rivers.
The one thing that would alleviate this problem that I would recommend would be to plant some bushy trees, pines probably, that would grow to about twenty feet along the 300 yard length of the expressway. That begs to ask if these bushy trees will interfere with airport operations? It is a big question as that would be the only way to protect the users of the expressway from this hazard but you do not want replace one hazard and create one for planes by doing this. It is sort of a catch twenty-two as they only real answer is to dig up that tunnel and return that area to the way it was. But nobody is going to do that.

A Trio of Tripe from your King

1) Coach Mindy Ruff of the Sabres is out for today's game with an upper body injury. I can tell as the Sabres are up 3-0 early in the second period. Jordan Leopold is now my favorite player on the team. Mindy may still be the coach but Leopold flattened him. Man that put a smile on my face. You may say "Boy King, you are one cold SOB" but so be it. Mindy must go and if it takes him getting plastered to get him out for a while then maybe he should get flattened more often. I have noticed that Mindy is at the game hiding up in the rafters, the wuss, maybe he should stay there. Hey, Tony Romo and Ryan Fitzpatrick played through cracked ribs why can't he??
2) The city of Rochester has been inundated by a murder of crows. And we all know what crows like to do and do lots of...poop. The areas where the crows hang out look like a war zone with all sorts of white bomb marks everywhere. The city has taken steps to drive them out as they have hired a group of people who are very good at it. Their goal is to drive them back into the countryside where they belong. HOWEVER, after watching Channel 13's news tonight, I see that there is a group of idiots that like the crows in the city. While I am a nature lover these morons must love the sight of crow poop stained stuff. The people that Channel 13 interviewed, that were pro-crow, each seemed to be a few cards short of a deck. Oh well, there is always someone that has to be against anything. You have to love them.
3) The Kingdom of Moronica now has a Major Domo and a Royal Comic Artist. What postition will be filled next? It is hard to get people to fill these official positions as these positions are unpaid due to the fact that the Moronican Treasury has been left pretty much empty but the ex-queen. It is almost time for Moronica's yearly financial aid from the United States. I wonder how much my Kingdom will collect this year. Now, I just have to expertly hide it from my ex-queen.

It is a quiet night here in Moronica. Not much to write about tonight though I am glad that I am now consistently adding posts to my blog of garbage. What I need to do is to scan the world looking for morons to write about. When I get enough info maybe I will write about the moron that went ballistic in Brother Wease's studio this past Monday. She makes the pro-crow people look like Einsteins. This woman is definitely missing about half of the deck. That is enough for tonight my friends. Only three tidbits to captivate your minds this evening. Hopefully next time I will have something really exciting from the Kingdom to expound on. Until next time.....

Your King Honors Queen Elizabeth II

As ruler of the Kingdom of Moronica I would like to extend congratulations to fellow monarch Queen Elizabeth II of England who is now entering her sixtieth year of rule in merry old England. She is now the second longest reigning monarch in English history as only to Queen Victoria has held the throne longer. I wish her many more happy years of rule.

Honorary Title Graciously Accepted

A few days ago your King sent an email to the creator of the 'Pearls Before Swine' comic strip, Stephan Pastis, advising him of his elevation to the post of Honorary Comic Artist of the Kingdom of Moronica. I never expected a reply to that email considering the thousands that Stephan must get in regards to his strip. Well today I received an email back from him thanking your King for the honor and showing his appreciation.
Your King feels greatly honored by his response. In return I request all of my readers, if you are a fan of the strip and are inclined to do so, to send their newspaper a letter telling them how much you enjoy 'Pearls Before Swine'. As I told Stephan in my email I do not usually laugh out loud while reading the comics but his strip usually gets that response from me daily. Its not often I make a request of my subjects, in fact this is the first time, but sometimes you just have to let people know how you feel about something.
This is your King saying have a nice day!

MSG Sucks Eggs!!! So Says Your King

1) Last weekend I was watching the Farmers Insurance Open golf tournament. At the time I tuned in leader Kyle Stanley had a six stroke lead with about half the round to play. In other words he was looking good for his first win until his inner Jean VandeVelde showed up. Like VandeVelde he had a three stroke lead going into the last hole which was a par 5 that really wasn't that difficult even though it did have a big pond in front of the green. He tried to play it smart and layed up his second shot about one hundred yards from the green. All he had to do was get it on the green. When he hit his third shot it looked great but when it hit the green it had the backspin from hell. It landed a bit to the right of the hole and went into reverse gear at warp eight and headed straight for the pond. A couple of times it looked like the grass in front of the pond was going to stop it but each time it took that extra quarter of a roll to get it going again and plop it went right into the water. He then dropped, chipped and three putted his way to a snowman eight. UGH!!! He was advertising, on his hat, the fact that he uses Titleist ProV1 golf balls. These balls grab and spin when they land on the green as I well know since even your King, the master of the big boing on the green, can make this ball spin backwards. The moron should have realized this and hit his third shot to the back of the green and let it spin back. The reason for that is the front half of the green slanted towards the water so any shot landing near the hole with backspin was going to be an adventure from hell. Still the end result of his shot was a rotten shame as it looked like he played it so well, until it landed. Unlike Kyle Stanley, Jean VandeVelde hacked and sacked his way to a triple bogey, which in itself was a miracle as he sunk a long putt to save the triple, on his last hole at the British Open making him a golfing world joke. Kyle actually played eighteen well except for that ugly backspin. Like VandeVelde, Kyle ended up going into a playoff. The lucky sap who was the benefit of his 'moment' was Brandt Snedeker, who probably gagged on his dinner in the clubhouse when he saw what was happening, and Kyle ended up losing on the second hole. You have to feel for the kid.
2) Your king learned today that Buffalo Bill great, Andre Reed, was again not elected into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in his seventh try. This is starting to become a yearly joke for this poor guy. He gets to the final ballot only to get screwed. This man is very deserving of being elected into the Hall but each year the group of voting morons keep him out. He needs to be in the hall with his buddies Thurman Thomas, Jim Kelly and Bruce Smith.
3) I had a good laugh watching the Manchester City vs. Fulham soccer game on the tube today. It was snowing like a banshee in England today and it was fun watching them play snow soccer. The weather must be worse in Italy as the Inter Milan game was scheduled next on the tube but that wasn't shown. There is nothing like watching any sporting event being played in a snowstorm.
4) It was a rather quiet day in my Kingdom. I went to my royal barber and had my ears lowered. He is well into his seventies but looks like he is sixty. I have to find out his secret.
5) The Royal Christmas tree is still up in anticipation of Santa's February 29th leap year special delivery to people he felt could wait for their gifts. How I got onto that list I would like to know. He told me to leave the stupid tree up and so I have, luckily it is artificial. I will probably feel like a total moron when the 29th comes and goes and there is still nothing under that tree. I still haven't opened those stupid cans of nuts yet and I think I slept through half of Congo. Hmm, Maybe I should watch it just before bedtime as I could use a solid eight hours for a change. But then again, knowing my luck, it will probably end up putting me into a coma.
6) Ugh, Nothing on the tube tonight as the MSG, Madison Square Garden Television Network, blackout has reached day 35 so not even the boring Sabres are on. I think someone at Time Warner is confused since when the people say "NO MSG" we are talking about Chinese food, not the stinking network. The thing MSG had better realize, and soon, is the fact that people CAN live without them. When the monarchy had to drop DirecTV, because of tree issues, and go back to cable I had to give up a few channels that I enjoyed. I have learned to live without them. Time Warner subscribers will learn to live without MSG. What is really funny about MSG is that during the summer they are, with the exception of the Red Bull soccer games, a network of reruns and they want ESPN like money for their network. Who wants to pay top dollar for that???
'Nuf said for tonight, have a nice evening.

Your King Names the Royal Comic Artist of Moronica

1) I have named Stephan Pastis, creator of the comic strip 'Pearls Before Swine' as the official comic artist of my Kingdom. His irreverent style fits perfectly with the theme of Moronica so if you see Mr. Pastis please let him know of this and the honor that has been bestowed upon him. I have asked his permission to name Rat as my Minister of Propaganda as I feel this would be a position that Rat would excel at.
2) You know it is time to go on a diet when you cross the road at an intersection and you trigger the stop light sensor pad as you cross it. Maybe I should lose a few lbs.
3) Ryan Miller seems to be back to his normal great self lately. He needs to be if the offensively challenged Buffalo Sabres are to have any kind of a decent finish to a year that held so much promise. Having not enough size and being very weak in the middle have doomed them this year. They have too many forwards making big bucks that are not doing a damned thing. Hey, If you do not score you cannot win...unless you shut out the other team and win in the shootout. They tried that against the Rangers and still lost. A great waste of a brilliant game by Miller.
4) Mitt, Boy am I rich, Romney kicked butt in Florida last Tuesday. The man knows how to make money and make it work for him. Maybe we need someone like that running our ship. Or maybe he can give the U.S. a loan. Either way would work for me. He seems to want to be a champion of the middle class and that is something we could use. Someone who gives the average joe a chance to survive and maybe prosper a bit. Who knows. Every single presidential candidate, past and present, has promised us the world yet we still get the same raw deal. It has happened before and will continue to happen again.
5) Looks like your King will be watching something else besides the Super Bowl this weekend. Talk about two teams that I could care less about!!! All the hype for this game and for the most part the game never lives up to it. AND we get Madonna as the NFL continues its policy of having a senior citizen friendly halftime show. I hear that they are trying to get Buddy Holly to be in next year's halftime show....but wait you say...he is dead. Hey, look at The Who, they performed like corpses last year so they may as well get a real one for Super Bowl XIXVMOUSE or whatever it is next year. Nobody will know the difference.
Well that is enough crappola for today. This is your King wishing you a pleasant evening.