Dinglefritz Critiques the Latest Bills "Game"

Your King, after having luckily replenished his supply of Pepto Bismol, decided to take in tonight's Buffalo versus Pittsburgh exhibition football game. Why I continue to do this to myself I will never be able to figure out. Maybe I need counseling for some self loathing condition. Maybe I just plain hate myself. Maybe I am digressing too much. Maybe the Bills just plain suck.
Watching the Bills first string defense tonight was like watching someone try to fill a sieve with water....It just doesn't work. While they played..okay, okay is not going to be good enough with the schedule that they have this year. They allow too many of those oh so frustrating third down conversions that just eat a fan's heart out. They bend way too much and even when they forced a fumble on Pittsburgh's first drive they were so deep in their own territory they could not take advantage of it. Ugh.
Now for the main reason I drained four bottles of Pepto Bismol tonight...was watching the first string offense try to resemble a first string offense. I have never seen a more offensive group of players on one side of the ball in a long time. It seems that they were only playing with ten men on the field all of the time as Lee Evans was completely forgotten. The O-Line blows. Trent Edwards reeks. The running backs, while okay, are victims of the line's poor play and the receivers do not have time to go more than five yards down field before they have to turn and look for the football being thrown to them by a quarterback fearing for his life. Usually, after running their route and turning to look for the ball, they saw a Pittsburgh team meeting at the quarterback. Even when they finally drove down close enough to try a field goal near the end of the game they somehow managed to get it blocked. The only real star they have on the team is their punter and he will probably end up getting hurt this year from being overworked. I just can't wait to get my Sunday Buffalo Newspaper to see how how much fun their sportswriters are going to have at the Bills' expense. Nothing like the offense putting up a big old bagel to make the fans and the writers happy.
I envy Pittsburgh, I really do. They have great quarterback depth in that organization. If Big Ben, please don't ask me to spell Roethlisberger, gets hurt they have a very efficient man by the name of Charlie Batch and even Dixon, their third QB has impressed. God, I really hate the Steelers.
Mr. Mind has once again made me look forward to watching Mexican Soccer on the Spanish channels on Sunday afternoons. Mr. Mind has had only one good season in his many years of being a head coach yet he always seems to get, and this time keep, a job. Why you ask? Because he works cheap and you always get what you pay for in terms of coaches. Pittsburgh has had only three coaches for as long as I can remember. Chuck Noll, Bill Cowher and now Mike Timlin are the only ones I can think of. If Chuck Noll is still alive and if I were running the Bills I would go after and hire him to replace Mr. Mind. Hey, they rehired Marv Levy when he was at least 105 years old. The bonus would be that Chuck and Ralph Wilson can go spend some time at the old folks home after the game reminiscing or playing shuffleboard. We know that Ralph would NEVER open the purse strings enough to hire a man like Bill Cowher so we won't even go there.
To finish my rant I have a little song for Mr. Mind with my sincere apologies to the Grinch:
Your a mean one...Mr. Mind
Your team plays like a heel
Your QB is a parking lot
Your o-line is a sieve Mr. Miiiiiiind.
I have three words for your team and here they are and I quote.
Stink, Stank doo doo doo do do Stunk doo doo doo doo dee doo doo doo doo doo dee doo..
That is it for tonight oh fans of Moronica. I am going to try to get a good nights sleep after being wide awake for this nightmare of a game. Wish me luck.

Your King Hopes for a Quick Return to Form by Repoman

If you have read my profile you know that I follow Repoman's pontifications in his blog. Repoman has been very quiet lately much to my dismay as I do find his writings highly entertaining. Rumor has it that he has tendinitis in his typing finger and cannot type in great length. I had the same thing a few months ago and had to take some time off as all my royal physician would tell me to do was to rest, ice and elevate my finger. It WAS quite painful and after a time it healed, though I can now tell with my finger when it is going to rain. Please hurry back Repoman...Your public, and King Dinglefritz, awaits!
Speaking of pain in a joint how about that big toe of T.O.'s? Here I am trying to find SOME entertainment value in preseason football and the guy I want to see has a boo boo in his big toe. I guess it does not matter how chiseled you are you can still get that dreaded big toe boo boo. Its a shame that he had to miss almost two weeks of training camp. I am sure he would be the first to 'admit' it.
Also, speaking of something that caused me extreme pain this past Saturday evening, how about the play of the first string offense and defense for the Buffalo Bills against the Green Bay Fudgepackers? eh, eh?? I really wanted to watch the game but, since I ran out of Pepto Bismol by the end of the first quarter I had to turn the channel to watch some Mexican soccer. If that is the best that Mr. Mind's first stringers can do against a team that went 6-10 last year oh woe for us as it will be a long season. Mr. Mind is proving, once again, that this league overwhelms him as a coach. He may be a nice guy but where do nice guys finish? Vince Lumbago,I mean Lombardi, was not a nice guy and where did his teams finish? His team won the first two Super Bowls. The only thing super about any bowl that Mr. Mind will get near is if it is filled with Cap'n Crunch(hopefully with Crunch Berries).
Things I need answers for:
1) Why does every time the Cleveland Indians trade a pitcher he starts winning BIG with his new team?
2) Why does the NY State DOT always seem to have to work on the same patches of expressway every few years? Can't they fix it right the first time?
3) Why is it that WWE wrestling is always ten times more entertaining when Mr. Vince McMahon is in the ring instead of his highly paid stooges? I watched the first 1/2 hour if it tonight and laughed and laughed and did not see a stitch of wrestling.
4) Why does Prince Spoiled Brat the First keep eating my TV dinners that I save for emergencies? The Queen has a new kitchen but I think that she is allergic to it.
5) Why do the birds go on singing? Why does the sea rush to shore?
6) Why does my royal mutt wait until the last five minutes of the show I have been watching to start wanting to play with me? Heaven forbid I try to read a newspaper with her around.
7) Do companies actually believe if they put an utterly moronic commercial on TV we are going to rush out and buy their product? Oh, that's right! We are the same idiots that keep voting the same people into the NY State government. I can now see their point. I apologize for this question.
That's it. I am sorry for boring you tonight. Have a Happy!

Your King finally gets a Driver

No, not the chauffeur type of driver, which your King really does deserve, but a Taylor Made Burner Driver. I had been happy teeing off with my three wood off most of the tees but I have always been a big bomber and not having a driver in my bag was like a festering wound that was not getting any better. Well, it seems as though in every Sunday paper Dick's Sporting Goods Store ad they always had these on sale for about half price and this past weekend I just could not stand it anymore. So I went out and bought one. I hit a few balls in the test room at the store for a bit and I liked the way the club felt so after some deep thought, well for me its never too deep, I decided it was time to pull the trigger and I brought it home.
I drove down to Geneseo this past Sunday and played with my usual group, I did not have any intention of using the club unless I was struggling and only on the back nine. It was funny as when I pulled the clubs out of my car my friend Auggie saw what I had and commented "I see you bought a stupid stick" meaning the new driver. Yeah, I broke down and finally got one I told him. They tried to get me to use it off the first tee but I decided not too, as I said I did not want to pull it out of the bag unless I was struggling since I passed on going to the driving range to test it the night before. Maybe I should have because my first shot was a classic duff job that went fifty yards into the left rough. Ugh. That drive was a definite sign as to how my round was going to go. By the seventh hole, after severely stinking out the course, I finally said "OK time to give the new club a try". I took it out and teed the ball up extra high, as you are supposed to, as it is an over sized club and swung. I hit a perfectly straight drive, into the wind down the center of the fairway. My golfing partner Jim said "your not going to want to take that club back" and I just smiled as it turned out he was going to be right. On the eighth tee, after parring number seven, there was a slow down as the group in front of us decided to become a bunch of Tincups. This allowed some the other members of my grouping was able to catch up and they were there to behold shot number two. With a slight breeze behind it, the ball went longer and just as straight as the first shot with the new driver did. The others could not believe how far it went and there jaws dropped when they saw where it finally ended up. I calculated that it went about 330 yards. Not bad! I hit a nice half sand wedge to the green and then proceeded to let my putter ruin a nice hole. I used to be a very good putter but that part of my game is the slowest to come back and it is killing me. I shot 95 for 18 holes but my putter killed me on most holes. My chipping is getting better but I still have some interesting adventures with the wedges in my bag. My journey into the trees behind the green on hole five is an example of that after a beautiful drive.
The driver continued to be straight an true for the rest of the day so it looks like it will be a keeper. Thank you Taylor Made! But then again, if you see a Taylor Made Niblet putter wrapped around a tree it is probably mine.
PS: I also guaranteed dry weather for the remainder of my Sunday golf adventures as I bought a pair of rain gloves to use during what seems to be the constant rotten weather we have had every Sunday morning. It worked perfectly as this Sunday was very nice but quite warm and I figured that buying those gloves would be like washing your car as you know that will guarantee that it will rain again soon.
PSS: I still hate the Queen's tattoo.
PSSS: I cannot believe Brett Favre is back again. What is he...a Battling Top????

The Philadelphia Eagles Sink to a New Low

In my last blog I stated that the team that signed dog killer Michael Vick would become hated team number one in the Kingdom of Moronica. Well the Philadelphia Eagles have done just that. I would have preferred that New England sign him so I could hate them even more but, lo and behold, they didn't. For Philadelphia to drop below Bill Belichek's band of thugs in my scale of hated football teams is amazing as I always was relatively neutral towards the Eagles. I neither liked or hated them. They are now despised by your King as they now have one of the most reviled persons ever to play this game on their roster. I cannot believe that I will be rooting for Washington and even, OMG dare I even say Dallas to beat them?? You bet I will. Go Tony Romo!!!
Michael Vick will NEVER be granted a visa to enter my Kingdom as I consider him persona non Grata. He is a loser and he will always remain a loser. I can see through his fake remorse. The crocodile tears were impressive. My god, I would put on a big show of remorse too after I lost my ten million dollar a year job due to major stupidity. The Atlanta Falcons were smart in jettisoning this human dead weight. I am usually all in favor of people getting a second chance but not this dork. It will be interesting to see what kind of reception the fans of Philadelphia will give him. Hey, these are the same fans that booed and threw snowballs at Santa Claus so they should give this clod an even worse treatment. I hope they give that twit a major league cold shoulder and I hope and pray the Philly fans do not let me down.
I wish the Philadelphia Eagles the worst of luck this year. I hope beyond hope that they pull a Detroit Lion this season but, alas, they are too good to do that. Maybe Vick will get a toe spasm and end up being out for the year. We can only hope. Maybe, with luck he will get bitten by a dog. Wouldn't that be justice? What he did was cold and calculated as he planned it out and bankrolled it. Playing in the NFL is a privilege, not a right, and he should never have been allowed back into the league. Michael Vick should be sent to Mars on the next ship sent there since there are no dogs there for him to abuse.. As King I say..So let it be written...so let it be done!

More Random Thoughts from the Mind of Dinglefritz

1) Michael Vick. Well the man has served his time for dogfighting but I certainly hope that no team signs this loser as he represents the worst in human kind. You have to be heartless to do what he has done and any team that signs him becomes hated team #1 and that includes Buffalo. I love my dog and if Vick comes anywhere near her I will brain him. If he wanted to kill dogs he should have moved to the far east and became a chef as they love stewed dog there. I do not care how much "remorse" this man shows as it is only to get back into the NFL to play. He has bills out the Wang and even his Bankruptcy Judge laughed at his proposal to pay his debts. Good luck Vick you loser, you are going to need it.
2) The Stock Market is starting to put a smile on my royal puss. Now lets hope the economy takes a hint and turns around faster. Whether its Obama's stimulus bill or just the natural flow of the economy I don't care but lets hope that we are on the upswing!
3) Rochester, once again, is a laughing stock. First it was the Fast Ferry and the one thing about it that was fast was how quickly it flopped. It was a good idea that fell flat because the stupid boat was too big. It should have been half the size and maybe it may have worked out. Then there is Ren Square...twenty plus million dollars in planning and design went down the drain when that died. MCC is left holding the bag looking for a new spot to put their downtown campus thanks to this mess.
4) The Tennessee Titans trick play that they ran in their first series on offense against the Buffalo Bills was a sight to behold. Who would have EVER expected them to run a play like that in pre-season? The punter, who will probably play three more games and then get cut, will have a memory of a lifetime. That behind the back move even fooled me as I was watching the play. I just sat there with my jaw on the floor. They could only run that play against Buffalo.
5) Government Health care. While I do not want to have Pelosi brand health care the system does need an overhaul. The eventual bill that comes to the president to sign must be bipartisan for it to work but there is no chance in hell that that will happen. Too many people on the other side want to hang a failed health care policy around the neck of Obama like an albatross and that is a shame. Our elected officials should be working for us, not against us. I have to agree with Congressman Eric Massa that the bill before the House at this time will NOT work. It needs major tweaking or else it will be a clunker. I think a good start would be to pass a law limiting judgments against doctors that are excessively obnoxious. While Doctors need to be held responsible for their errors there needs to be a limit. If they did not have to pay such high premiums to cover their arses then fees for visits would probably come down. But there are too many greedy attorneys who have their hands in the pot to grab as much money as possible in malpractice lawsuits. And I am sure that since Obama is a lawyer we will not see any legislation of this type passed during his term. Too bad.
I also find it quite humorous hearing the old people saying that they do not want the any government sponsored health care and to have their Medicaid left alone. I laugh at these morons as Medicaid IS government sponsored health care. I also laugh at the rumor that there will be health care death squads formed that will determine who will live and who will die under the new system. It is hard to believe that people could believe such crap nowadays but some people just lap up what that King of morons Rush Limbaugh says.
6) Speaking of Rush Limbaugh is there a more hateful divisive jerk polluting the airwaves today? If this man truly speaks for the Republican Party then shame on the Republicans.
7) Word association time:
Limbaugh = Gasbag
Pelosi = Idiot
Palin = Quitter
Ren Square = Joke
Biden = Foot in mouth diseased
Cheney = Shoot, I just...WAIT..never say the word shoot around Dick. Whew! That was close!!!
Jauron = emptiness
Manny Ramirez = dope (who likes female hormones)
Tiger = Amazing
A-Rod = A-Roid
Dinglefritz = Moron, King of

Thats enough bulloney for today. Your King wishes you a pleasant evening.

Random Thoughts from the Palace

1) I caught the beginning of the Hall of Fame game featuring Mr. Mind's Buffalo Bills and the Tennessee Titans. They both looked sharp in their retro uniforms. Why they do not wear them all of the time is beyond me. A lot of the new uniforms just plain stink and lack that savoir faire of the older styles. Even if the Bills just wore their old helmets during the season I would be happy. I would have watched more of the game but Mr. Mind only had the starters on offense for one series and then he sent in the clowns. Then again there was something good on the National Geographic Channel that I wanted to watch at 9 o'clock anyways.
T.O. looked good on the two passes he caught. Trent Edwards was fine and the interception was not really his fault as the Titan defensive lineman, on that play, made rookie guard Andy Levitre look like a practice dummy as he pushed him right into Edwards as he was passing. Looks like ol' Andy sure benefited from those 'great' practices Mr. Mind runs.
2) I would like to 'thank' PGA European Golf Official John Paramor, and his stopwatch, for ruining a golf match this past Sunday between Tiger and Padraig Harrington. First of all they were the last group and holding up no one. Its bad enough That Padraig has to play against Tiger let alone some boob with a stopwatch. They people want to see great golf, not some complete goof telling them that they are a little slow. Tiger does not have to play Tiger so he was able to relax but not Padraig. He was up against Tiger, the pressure of having only a one shot lead and an idiot. The fans ended up the biggest losers because of that moron. Too bad. I hope he returns to Europe and stays there.
3) Your King actually managed only to get slightly wet this past Sunday on the golf course. I faced a good shower on the 14th hole which, of course, I find to be one of my favorites and one of the most scorable holes at the Livingston Country Club. Its a classic hole with a huge glacial erratic(big boulder to those who have not taken Glacial Geology) about 200 yards down the middle of the fairway. It is a short par five with lots of trees, sand and an out of bounds that is very close to the back of the green. Its still a good chance for a birdie but, of course, the short shower screwed up my hole and it cost me a chance to win for the day. By the time the time I finished the hole the shower was done and so was my chance to win. Oh well, maybe next time.
4) My Queen shocked me again. This time she went out and got a tattoo. I have already related what I thought about tattoos in a previous entry so you well know I was not a happy man. Luckily she told me about it at work so I couldn't ring her little royal neck. It gave me some time to cool down and collect my thoughts before I returned home to my palace. Still, I did not give her the time of day for four days and still steam every time I see that black blotch on her back. UGH!!! Then again, its nothing that some duct tape, a bunch of sandpaper and some elbow grease couldn't cure. heh heh.
5) I would like to congratulate my friend Auggie on his masterful play on the twelfth hole at Livingston. To get a ten when you are only thirty yards from the hole after two is an achievement. But the kicker was on his sixth shot, when he was about 5 yards short of the green after sending shot five behind the green, when he hit a great chip, hit the flag stick dead on and had the ball come right back to where he was standing. Amazing.
6) More golf. Your beloved King played like Jack Nicklaus on the six toughest holes, per the handicap system, this past Sunday. I shot two over par for those six holes and it should have been only 1 over except that I missed a dinky little gimme on ten, which also cost me a point. I then proceed to shoot seventeen over par on the twelve easiest holes while turning the two par threes on the back nine into complete nightmares. I had pars on holes 2,7,8,12 and 17 and a double 'bogus' on 10(due to sheer putting moronica) and anybody who has played that course knows those holes are the biggest pains to play. My game is still coming around as I shot a forty two on the front nine, which is my best effort so far this year and if I can cut out the moronica I can get that into the thirties and my eighteen hole score into the low eighties...with luck.
Thats it for my thoughts for today. Nothing too deep but hey, neither am I.

King Dinglefritz Visits The Seneca Niagara Casino

This past Wednesday your King traveled to the Seneca Niagara Casino in Niagara Falls, NY. The company that I work for gave us a day off and hired a couple of buses to take us there. It was very nice of them to do this and it gave your King a badly needed break from the daily grind. We were given the ultimatum that we had to be on the bus by 8:30 or we were going to be left behind. Well, 8:30 came and went and it seemed like we were all left behind. The buses finally arrived about 10 minutes late and we all piled on. As we traveled down the Thruway I could see why the buses were late as the driver, who is now to be known as 'Captain Molasses' set new records in time taken to get to Niagara Falls. In fact I would not have been surprised if he had his 4-way flashers on the entire trip. I knew we were not traveling at warp speed when I saw an Amish wagon pass us on the right. He smiled, tugged his beard, doffed his hat and left us behind.
We finally arrived at the Casino and the company graciously gave us a nice fifty dollar stake to play with. Our bosses boss gave us an additional twenty dollars and we got another twenty from the casino. Now that was a nice start. I could have quit there and been a big winner but what fun is that. After walking around for a bit, I do like to watch other people play, I settled down at one of my favorite machines..the Wheel of Fortune dollar slots. I had my twenty sucked up quickly by the machine and I started to play. I was down to my last maximum bet when I finally got a chance to spin the wheel. I hit it for one hundred fifty dollars...I was quite pleased as now I could relax and play the rest of the day knowing I was bringing home a nice wad.
The company then treated us to a Buffet lunch there. I have always enjoyed grazing at the Seneca Niagara Buffet as I have found it to be quite good. I loaded my plate with shrimp and crab(my favorite fruit!) and started chowing. One of my friends, who knows my tendencies well and exactly what my targets would be, followed me as I stalked my prey. She also loaded her plate with plenty of shrimp and crab. We started chowing and before we finished our big boss from Chicago gave us a nice speech. Little did I know as I turned around to listen my plate would soon turn into a never ending plate of crab. My friend ran out of drawn butter and stuffed a thing of legs on my plate as she did want them without it. When I turned around to finish my carnage I noticed that something was different as I thought I was closer to the bottom of my plate than I actually was. I thought that I was losing what little mind I had left but I did not care as I had more crab. My sister then walked by and she had an extra batch of legs that she brought for me. So I ended up eating a lot of crab that day, so much so that they had to call Captain Phil Harris of the Cornelia Marie to go back out for more. I guess I may have eaten too much.
After the carnage I then returned to the casino floor to spend the second half of my stake for the day. I had a minor hit, again at the dollar Wheel of Fortune, and ended up bringing home a tidy sum of $191 from the casino. A few of my fellow employees did even better than that and it is always pleasant to beat the Indians for a few bucks. The more the merrier I always say.
We then piled out to meet the bus at 3:15 and, of course, Captain Molasses was running a little late. We headed home at impulse speed but all in all it was a great day thanks to the company that I work for.
PS: I golfed in the rain again today but, at least, it held off for most of my round. I have been contacted by the Governor of Texas to play a few rounds of golf down in San Antonio. Sounds like they have heard that I am a drought breaker. Oh well, til next time, have a happy!

King Dinglefritz Visits the Turf of Mr. Mind

Your King paid a visit, incognito of course, to St. John Fisher College this past Thursday to finally see a Buffalo Bills practice for the first time. My group went to Calkins Road Middle School to catch the shuttle bus that they ran from there. It turned out to be a plain old school bus. Boy did THAT bring back memories. Sitting in that bus seat made me realize that spending all of that time on buses in school is probably the main reason my back is in such sad shape today. Ugh! We finally arrived at Fisher after taking the long and winding road through Pittsford and entered the campus. There was only one way into the stadium area and, of course, they funneled EVERYONE through the Bills merchandise store in hopes of having wallets opening wide. I will say I was tempted to buy an Owens jersey for a second but, remembering that my lovely queen dropped and destroyed my electric razor the other day and me having to go and buy a new one, I quickly returned my wallet to my pocket after receiving a bad case of sticker shock. The place was packed with fans, especially ones wearing T.O. jerseys. T.O. must be making a fortune from his cut of the jersey sales because every time he changes teams all of his fans buy new Owens' jerseys. I have to admit that I may not have gone to watch the Bills night practice if it was not for Terrell so he has made an impact there. I will tell you this though...the guy is chiseled and how I wish I was in just half of the shape he is in instead of me looking more like Henry the Eighth. But let us move on.
I also wanted to see what kind of practice Mr. Mind, I mean Dick Jauron, ran. I cannot say that I was too impressed. My soccer practices in College were tougher than that but I am sure he did not want to risk anyone getting a boo boo and it looked like everyone made it through healthy at the end. The team split into their separate units to start off and spent 15 minutes working on individual skills. They then sent the quarterbacks away and worked on other things for an additional 15 minutes. After bringing the QBs back they then ran a five on five drill which pretty much featured Trent Edwards passing the ball to Owens. The other quarterbacks got a few snaps in except for the 4th stringer. He was forgotten. They then played some eleven on eleven which peaked my interest at last. It was interesting and even I had to applaud when #17 Jenkins, a wide receiver, made a great catch on a fifty yard pass that looked like it was going to be broken up by the safety. He made a great play on the deflection and hauled it in for a touchdown. I was impressed for a moment. But I have to say there was a lot of standing around for players not involved in that drill. Mr. Mind then had the players take off their helmets and do some sort of drill, what good it was doing for them is beyond me, as it looked like they were running some kind of a goal line drill but the offense was running it against some red shirted volunteers as the defense was on the other end of the field. They pretty much spent the next 10 minutes walking through plays with the red shirted dummies taking up space. Oh well, Mr. Mind probably woke up at three in the morning with that brainstorm idea of a drill.
The practice went rather quickly and it was time to leave when the players went into cool down mode. What they were cooling down from I will never know. That meant another ride on those fine bus seats which took another five years off the life on my back. I will say this...I wish the driver on the bus ride back to the school was the driver of the bus that brought me back from the Seneca Niagara casino on Wednesday as we would have made it home in one half of the time but I will chat about that in my next blog...stay tuned. And that's the way it was Thursday night August 6, 2009. This is your King wishing you a good evening.
PS: I am scheduled to golf again on Sunday.....Guess when they say its going to rain next.