Saturday, February 28, 2009
Ralph Esposito
The Kingdom of Moronica has recently learned that the Supervisor of the Kingdom of Gates is stepping down after 20 years of service to this community after his term expires this November. Ralph Esposito is a man who was previously honored in a statement by my Kingdom a few months ago for a job well done and I honor him again and wish him well. May he have many years of a much deserved retirement and once again I say "Good Job Ralph!!" Gates is a better community for your efforts. You have set the bar of achievement high for the next elected head of this town to match. The people of Moronica and Gates thank you.
The Natives are Restless
It has been requested by a reader of my blog of moronica that the King should expound some of his moronic wisdom on the topic of the Native Americans and their travails with the State of New York. I have given this much thought and, not being an expert on the subject, I decided that I should give my good friend Chief Raininthepuss of the Ungadunga Tribe of South Central Lower Upstate New York a call for his valued opinion. The chief and I go way back and I always look forward to chatting with him.
"Hello, may I speak with Chief Raininthepuss please?"
"Ugh, this Chief Raininthepuss speaking. Who this?
"Your friend, King Dinglefritz of Moronica."
"FRITZY!!!!Its good to be speaking with you my friend! At least now, knowing its you, I can dump that stupid phony native American accent everyone expects from me. What can I do for you?"
"I don't know why you ever use that accent but hey, that is your choice. I called to get some of your thoughts on you and your fellow tribes battle with New York State."
"Fritzy, I will be honest with you, We will try to get every last cent, piece of land or whatever we realistically can from the state and or federal governments. They started screwing us from the moment they stepped off the boats onto Plymouth Rock. And the screwing got worse the farther west they spread and we just want to rectify it. We know we can't get it all back but we just want a fair shake. I mean they took our land, killed our buffalo and expected us to just sit back and smile. All we want to is to live and operate the way we choose to on what little territorial lands we have left and have them honor whatever treaties there are that actually give us a break."
"Peacefully, of course?"
" Of course. The Seneca and the Oneida tribes are doing their best at taking the 'white man's' money through their casinos."
"Even then you had to sign deals with the State to give them a piece of the action in order to build these on YOUR lands."
"Another screw job perpetrated upon us by the State Government. Our only worthwhile weapon is depriving the State of tax money through the untaxed sales of goods in our stores located on our territorial lands."
"Especially cigarettes, eh?"
"Yes, especially them. It was our plan to provide cheap smokes to all of the non-natives and get them all hooked on them. This would cause population reductions from the diseases the smokes would cause so we could take over our lands again. The stupid plan backfired as most of my tribe's people ended up puffing away."
"The best laid plans my friend.....and now the State wants you to start taxing your smokes."
"Yes Fritzy, We were going to fight that the best way we can using the Seneca's plan of about twenty five moons er years ago. We were going to put tires across the State Route 798 that runs through my tribe's land and burn them in protest."
"What happened to that plan?"
"Well, its hard for it to be effective when the only cars that use that route are my fellow tribes men's cars."
"Figures. Well you know the Kingdom of Moronica fully supports all Native Americans in their efforts to realistically reverse the screw jobs of the past. The US Government forced you off your native lands and put you onto tiny, crappy reservations. And then if they found something that they liked on those tiny, crappy reservations, like gold, they booted you off them too into crappier reservations."
"Our ancestors tried their best in keeping what they could but we could not continue to fight the unending resources of the US Government. They forced us to sign one sided treaties and even now when an old treaty gives us a half of a leg to stand on they try to deny it. The State does the same thing. Its no wonder we natives have such a big problem with 'firewater'."
"The various levels of governments in this country have driven many a person, natives included, to drink my friend. Its also a shame that the State tries to constantly interfere with you and your fellow tribes in the business that you do. Whatever help my Kingdom of Moronica can provide to you in your peaceful battles with Governor Paterson's State of Taxation I will try to provide but my resources are very limited too. "
"Thanks Fritzy. I appreciate all of your support. If worse comes to worse your scalp will remain safely attached to your head."
"Thanks, I think."
"On June 15 my Ungadunga tribe is having a, well, powwow celebration and we will have representatives of all other New York tribes present. At the end of the celebration we are going to borrow an idea from the Arabs and throw moccasins at a statue of the governor. You are invited."
"I will try to make it, but as I do want to try to maintain somewhat cordial relations with the State of New York, I will have to refrain from throwing either shoes or moccasins. Its good chatting with you my friend! Good luck in your battles with the state!"
"Thanks Fritzy and as my ancestors would say..'May the bird of paradise, when flying overhead, not poop on your car'. You are a good friend my fellow chief."
Take care Chief!"
"Hello, may I speak with Chief Raininthepuss please?"
"Ugh, this Chief Raininthepuss speaking. Who this?
"Your friend, King Dinglefritz of Moronica."
"FRITZY!!!!Its good to be speaking with you my friend! At least now, knowing its you, I can dump that stupid phony native American accent everyone expects from me. What can I do for you?"
"I don't know why you ever use that accent but hey, that is your choice. I called to get some of your thoughts on you and your fellow tribes battle with New York State."
"Fritzy, I will be honest with you, We will try to get every last cent, piece of land or whatever we realistically can from the state and or federal governments. They started screwing us from the moment they stepped off the boats onto Plymouth Rock. And the screwing got worse the farther west they spread and we just want to rectify it. We know we can't get it all back but we just want a fair shake. I mean they took our land, killed our buffalo and expected us to just sit back and smile. All we want to is to live and operate the way we choose to on what little territorial lands we have left and have them honor whatever treaties there are that actually give us a break."
"Peacefully, of course?"
" Of course. The Seneca and the Oneida tribes are doing their best at taking the 'white man's' money through their casinos."
"Even then you had to sign deals with the State to give them a piece of the action in order to build these on YOUR lands."
"Another screw job perpetrated upon us by the State Government. Our only worthwhile weapon is depriving the State of tax money through the untaxed sales of goods in our stores located on our territorial lands."
"Especially cigarettes, eh?"
"Yes, especially them. It was our plan to provide cheap smokes to all of the non-natives and get them all hooked on them. This would cause population reductions from the diseases the smokes would cause so we could take over our lands again. The stupid plan backfired as most of my tribe's people ended up puffing away."
"The best laid plans my friend.....and now the State wants you to start taxing your smokes."
"Yes Fritzy, We were going to fight that the best way we can using the Seneca's plan of about twenty five moons er years ago. We were going to put tires across the State Route 798 that runs through my tribe's land and burn them in protest."
"What happened to that plan?"
"Well, its hard for it to be effective when the only cars that use that route are my fellow tribes men's cars."
"Figures. Well you know the Kingdom of Moronica fully supports all Native Americans in their efforts to realistically reverse the screw jobs of the past. The US Government forced you off your native lands and put you onto tiny, crappy reservations. And then if they found something that they liked on those tiny, crappy reservations, like gold, they booted you off them too into crappier reservations."
"Our ancestors tried their best in keeping what they could but we could not continue to fight the unending resources of the US Government. They forced us to sign one sided treaties and even now when an old treaty gives us a half of a leg to stand on they try to deny it. The State does the same thing. Its no wonder we natives have such a big problem with 'firewater'."
"The various levels of governments in this country have driven many a person, natives included, to drink my friend. Its also a shame that the State tries to constantly interfere with you and your fellow tribes in the business that you do. Whatever help my Kingdom of Moronica can provide to you in your peaceful battles with Governor Paterson's State of Taxation I will try to provide but my resources are very limited too. "
"Thanks Fritzy. I appreciate all of your support. If worse comes to worse your scalp will remain safely attached to your head."
"Thanks, I think."
"On June 15 my Ungadunga tribe is having a, well, powwow celebration and we will have representatives of all other New York tribes present. At the end of the celebration we are going to borrow an idea from the Arabs and throw moccasins at a statue of the governor. You are invited."
"I will try to make it, but as I do want to try to maintain somewhat cordial relations with the State of New York, I will have to refrain from throwing either shoes or moccasins. Its good chatting with you my friend! Good luck in your battles with the state!"
"Thanks Fritzy and as my ancestors would say..'May the bird of paradise, when flying overhead, not poop on your car'. You are a good friend my fellow chief."
Take care Chief!"
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The House passes resolution to honor actor Paul Newman
Bully to our House of Representatives!!! I am glad everything in this country is so honky dory that they have time to honor this great actor. Sometimes you just have to wonder about our elected officials.
Lets take a look at what they passed... The resolution includes an honor to actor Paul Newman which is fine, but also includes 10 million dollars to study Mexican Jumping Beans and their potential for green energy, 56 million dollars to study the mating habits of crickets and their potential for green energy, 7.5 million dollars allocated to Ken Starr to find out exactly who this Dinglefritz is and 68 million dollars on a study to ascertain the possibility about building a bridge to Hawaii that will put people to work. The flow of pork never stops spewing from our crew at the Capitol!! Not even Dinosaur Barbecue can cook this mess.
Kudos to Congress for money and time well spent!!!! There is no way in the world they could ever become citizens of my honorable Kingdom of Moronica. As King, I strive to maintain a high level of moronica and I certainly would not want it diluted by the low level of moronica that Congress would bring to my realm. If this Congress is the best we can do then God help us!
The cause of the minor seismic tremors that have been recorded lately near Washington D.C. has been attributed to our founding fathers rolling in their graves.
PS: The only thing falling faster than the Stock Market is Governor Paterson's approval ratings. They are so deep in the toilet that Albany has requested, at taxpayers expense of course, a special visit by Mr. Rooter to see if he can flush them out. Good luck Mr. Rooter, Not even Jim Phelps would accept this mission!
Lets take a look at what they passed... The resolution includes an honor to actor Paul Newman which is fine, but also includes 10 million dollars to study Mexican Jumping Beans and their potential for green energy, 56 million dollars to study the mating habits of crickets and their potential for green energy, 7.5 million dollars allocated to Ken Starr to find out exactly who this Dinglefritz is and 68 million dollars on a study to ascertain the possibility about building a bridge to Hawaii that will put people to work. The flow of pork never stops spewing from our crew at the Capitol!! Not even Dinosaur Barbecue can cook this mess.
Kudos to Congress for money and time well spent!!!! There is no way in the world they could ever become citizens of my honorable Kingdom of Moronica. As King, I strive to maintain a high level of moronica and I certainly would not want it diluted by the low level of moronica that Congress would bring to my realm. If this Congress is the best we can do then God help us!
The cause of the minor seismic tremors that have been recorded lately near Washington D.C. has been attributed to our founding fathers rolling in their graves.
PS: The only thing falling faster than the Stock Market is Governor Paterson's approval ratings. They are so deep in the toilet that Albany has requested, at taxpayers expense of course, a special visit by Mr. Rooter to see if he can flush them out. Good luck Mr. Rooter, Not even Jim Phelps would accept this mission!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
King Dinglefritz's Triumphant Return to Tournament Bowling
Back in late January I inducted Spencerport Lanes into the MHOF. While I do not have any regrets about this induction I do have to say this about the place.... If you keep your thoughts straight and focused while bowling there it will help you improve your game. I say this as it has helped me take advantage of my talent when I actually get to a hall that puts out a good shot so that I can be more consistant in hitting my target and therefore score well. Spencerport Bowl forces you to make good shots, unless you have the luck of a leprechaun which I do not, to score. Even the good shots do not carry as my teammates had a good laugh at my expense in the third game tonight when I left a stone eight on a beautiful shot but I digress. Going back to the gist of this blog entry I bowled in a tournament this past Saturday down in Geneseo. It was a no-tap tournament where if you get nine pins on your first ball it counts as a strike. It is a tournament the Geneseo Firemen hold every year at this time and it is a lot fun. I went into the tournament trying to answer a few questions about myself that bowling in Spencerport has generated in my simple mind such as: Am I really in a major slump? Do I really stink as badly as my scores at Spencerport have indicated lately? Is Marshawn Lynch a real idiot? Am I washed up? I went into the tourney with two thought patterns, either I was going to stink out the joint or I was going to light them up. There was going to be no middle ground. It did not take me long to answer these questions as the second train of thought was proven the right one. I was hot!!! I did not stink nor am I washed up!!! I started off with the first eight natural strikes before my first no-tap strike and finished with a 298 scoring 10 out of 11 naturals. The first game brought back memories of eleven years ago when I proved my moronica by throwing a natural 300 game in this same no-tap tourney. I took serious razzing and paid steep stupid fines to my Friday Night Scratch League kangaroo court when they found out about it. The second game started with a sad first frame, then I had strikes from the second to the ninth frame but in the tenth frame I got lazy with my release on the first shot, the ball did not finish strong and it cost me as I left the 2-10 on a light hit but I still finished with a 243. The third game started slowly but I got the needed nine on each shot until I made the necessary two and one moves on the lanes and started pounding the pocket again finishing with the last seven natural strikes and scoring a 300 game winning $25.00 in the process. I finished with a 841 series and combined with handicap it totalled an 880 series. My team finished second in the tourney and at this time I do not know what we will get for it. I owe a small debt to Spencerport Lanes as it helped me realize that when I do have a chance to bowl on a good shot at another hall I should do well and the handicap I have from my average from bowling at Spencerport is a bonus.
I still have pride in my game and wish I was creaming the pins there at a higher rate but I guess I can live with the torment that place causes me as I can see the light at the end of the tunnel that this tournament showed me there is. It was good to get back out there and see people that I have not seen since my retirement from bowling after the 2003 season. At least they now know I am not dead. Mark my words...I HAVE returned and with a vengeance!!!!! Now I just have to get new equipment as mine is fossilizing.
I still have pride in my game and wish I was creaming the pins there at a higher rate but I guess I can live with the torment that place causes me as I can see the light at the end of the tunnel that this tournament showed me there is. It was good to get back out there and see people that I have not seen since my retirement from bowling after the 2003 season. At least they now know I am not dead. Mark my words...I HAVE returned and with a vengeance!!!!! Now I just have to get new equipment as mine is fossilizing.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Sixth Inductee into the Moronica Hall of Fame
This induction may have been easier to make than than the induction of the former Governor of Illinois. This inductee is an absolute blithering idiot. The newest inductee into the MHOF is the owner of the Peanut Corp. in Blakely, Georgia. This man may well end up being responsible for more illness than Typhoid Mary and maybe even Robert Mugabe. As of today the latest count of illness resulting from his contaminated product was over 600 people with nine suspected deaths. This man ordered products that were contaminated with salmonella to be shipped from his plant complaining that the tests discovering the contaminated food was costing his company huge $$$$. This man 'fired' the lab that was testing his product as they were coming up with too many positive tests results for salmonella. This man even wanted to pin the blame for the contamination on Chinese peanuts. Amazing. This man is Stewart Parnell.
In today's paper I was beside myself after reading the article about the federal criminal investigation into his plant. Congressman Greg Walden, R-Ore. actually challenged Mr. Parnell when he held up a container of his product containing various goodies, wrapped in crime scene tape, and dared him to eat them. He responded by taking the fifth amendment as he did to all of the other questions posed to him. To ship out product knowing they were contaminated with salmonella is the epitome of moronica. His products, such as cookies, crackers and ice cream, are the favorites of our nations children and to knowingly send out this crap, which could make our children sick...or worse, is downright criminal.
This man has earned his induction into the MHOF by his acts of total moronica in the utter disregard for the consumers of this country. If the Kingdom of Moronica could it would recommend him serving a consecutive life sentence for every person that has died as a result of his stupidity and greed but he resides in the United States and is out of Moronica's jurisdiction. If you see Stewart Parnell please let him know of his induction and the honor of which that has been bestowed upon him.....the jerk!
In today's paper I was beside myself after reading the article about the federal criminal investigation into his plant. Congressman Greg Walden, R-Ore. actually challenged Mr. Parnell when he held up a container of his product containing various goodies, wrapped in crime scene tape, and dared him to eat them. He responded by taking the fifth amendment as he did to all of the other questions posed to him. To ship out product knowing they were contaminated with salmonella is the epitome of moronica. His products, such as cookies, crackers and ice cream, are the favorites of our nations children and to knowingly send out this crap, which could make our children sick...or worse, is downright criminal.
This man has earned his induction into the MHOF by his acts of total moronica in the utter disregard for the consumers of this country. If the Kingdom of Moronica could it would recommend him serving a consecutive life sentence for every person that has died as a result of his stupidity and greed but he resides in the United States and is out of Moronica's jurisdiction. If you see Stewart Parnell please let him know of his induction and the honor of which that has been bestowed upon him.....the jerk!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Random Thoughts
1) Congratulations to the Dumocratic party for figuring out a way to pare down the deficit. You nominate someone for a cabinet post who checked the yes box on the questionnaire for tax problems so that they are embarrassed enough to then pay their back taxes. I am sure the schmucks would have never paid them unless they were brought out into the open. Kudos to Obama for coming up with this beaut of an idea!! It seems Tom Daschle owed enough in back taxes to possibly become a future nominee to the MHOF....we will see. The editorial cartoon in today's Democrat and Chronicle was a beaut and right on the mark.
2) I swear, as my job as the King of Moronica, I see many moronic things but none more moronic as the dealings my 'government' has with high level judges in New York State. These people must get delusions of godhood once they are either elected or appointed to their posts. If someone told me that when they are alone in their chambers they would put on their robes, with nothing on underneath of course, and those old style white wigs and prance around absorbing the godlike power in which they believe they have I would believe it. Their demands are becoming absolutely crazy, too bad I cannot discuss them. If I could I would put them all on a galley and have them row me around.
3) Manny Ramirez... Can there be anyone greedier than this man and his agent...turning down 25 million dollars in this economic climate???? I have addressed this idiot before and I hope that he never plays ball again. Maybe he is holding out for more as he has to feed his family.
4) Congratulations to Ralph Wilson on finally making it into the Pro Football Hall of Fame as he did deserve it. But, with the continuation of the Jauron error(era) in Buffalo, he may be guaranteeing a future induction into the MHOF if Jauron turns in another year like this past year.
5) I am baffled. How can 'Paul Blart, Mall Cop' be nearing 100 million dollars in receipts. I saw the commercials for it and I am simply dumbfounded. Have we, as a nation, sunk so low as to be turning this movie into a blockbuster??? Amazing.
6) Where was the penalty flag when Santana Holmes used the football as a prop in his post touchdown celebration with 35 seconds left???? Usually NFL officials are flag happy when it comes to this stuff and this non call shows a double standard in which games are called. The Cardinals were screwed out an extra 15 yards of field position and who knows what would have happened if Pittsburgh was forced to kick off from the 15 yard line like they should have. You can damn well be sure that if a Cardinal did the same celebration there would have been a flag thrown instantly. I have always believed that this league plays favorites and this non call adds to my beliefs. If you need any further proof just look at the penalty yardage differential between the two teams. It was much easier for the refs to throw flags on the Cards than the Steelers. Ugh.
2) I swear, as my job as the King of Moronica, I see many moronic things but none more moronic as the dealings my 'government' has with high level judges in New York State. These people must get delusions of godhood once they are either elected or appointed to their posts. If someone told me that when they are alone in their chambers they would put on their robes, with nothing on underneath of course, and those old style white wigs and prance around absorbing the godlike power in which they believe they have I would believe it. Their demands are becoming absolutely crazy, too bad I cannot discuss them. If I could I would put them all on a galley and have them row me around.
3) Manny Ramirez... Can there be anyone greedier than this man and his agent...turning down 25 million dollars in this economic climate???? I have addressed this idiot before and I hope that he never plays ball again. Maybe he is holding out for more as he has to feed his family.
4) Congratulations to Ralph Wilson on finally making it into the Pro Football Hall of Fame as he did deserve it. But, with the continuation of the Jauron error(era) in Buffalo, he may be guaranteeing a future induction into the MHOF if Jauron turns in another year like this past year.
5) I am baffled. How can 'Paul Blart, Mall Cop' be nearing 100 million dollars in receipts. I saw the commercials for it and I am simply dumbfounded. Have we, as a nation, sunk so low as to be turning this movie into a blockbuster??? Amazing.
6) Where was the penalty flag when Santana Holmes used the football as a prop in his post touchdown celebration with 35 seconds left???? Usually NFL officials are flag happy when it comes to this stuff and this non call shows a double standard in which games are called. The Cardinals were screwed out an extra 15 yards of field position and who knows what would have happened if Pittsburgh was forced to kick off from the 15 yard line like they should have. You can damn well be sure that if a Cardinal did the same celebration there would have been a flag thrown instantly. I have always believed that this league plays favorites and this non call adds to my beliefs. If you need any further proof just look at the penalty yardage differential between the two teams. It was much easier for the refs to throw flags on the Cards than the Steelers. Ugh.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Super Bowl Sickness
Is there anything else in the world that is more over hyped than the Super Bowl. It has come to the point where the game is anticlimactic. So anticlimactic in fact that I may end up watching Dr. Who on BBC America at the time the game is on. I want the Cardinals to win but at this time I could really care less. I am sick and tired of all of the hype for what is and always will be a silly game.
On the television at this time I do have ESPN's NFL Countdown on and the talking heads are in exceptionally fine form today. The only reason I have this stupid station on right now because I am waiting for the Pro Bowling show to come on right after it is over.... And we all know from previous muses that I do enjoy bowling.
The talking heads talk about anything they can think of from Kurt Warner's gloves to Coach Tomlin's bowl movements. Its that moronic. Then the fun really starts because after ESPN's talking heads are done flapping their yaps the NBC network's talking heads get to take over. You will then get five plus hours of continued 'analysis' of this game. We will probably find out how many steps Big Ben takes on a certain pass play or if we are really lucky what Big Ben uses for a stool softener....They must really have to dig deep for stuff to analyze after the second hour as I heard they have an interview set up with Ollie the Orangutan, the ape that picked the Cards to win the game. They have now just reported that Kurt Warner gets sacked once every 24 drops. With this information I can now plan out the next year of my life. Thank you ESPN.
Now, next in line for Super Bowl moronica to be addressed are those silly box pools that every work place or bar in the universe are running at this time. Yes, even the palace in which Dinglefritz works has a few of these too. I could cure the economy, or at the very least make a lot of local stores happy, if I had the money back that my wife 'invested' in these pools and the various others that she is participating in. In my opinion it is a fool that parts with their money in this way but I guess it is the 'thrill' of the hunt mentality that takes over. Oh well, let them have their fun as while I find these pools very moronic there is always a chance, albeit a small chance, that my wife will win a pool which would mean a happy wife. A happy wife means a happy Dinglefritz, or at the very least a less crabby Dinglefritz, and the world loves a happy Dinglefritz.
On the television at this time I do have ESPN's NFL Countdown on and the talking heads are in exceptionally fine form today. The only reason I have this stupid station on right now because I am waiting for the Pro Bowling show to come on right after it is over.... And we all know from previous muses that I do enjoy bowling.
The talking heads talk about anything they can think of from Kurt Warner's gloves to Coach Tomlin's bowl movements. Its that moronic. Then the fun really starts because after ESPN's talking heads are done flapping their yaps the NBC network's talking heads get to take over. You will then get five plus hours of continued 'analysis' of this game. We will probably find out how many steps Big Ben takes on a certain pass play or if we are really lucky what Big Ben uses for a stool softener....They must really have to dig deep for stuff to analyze after the second hour as I heard they have an interview set up with Ollie the Orangutan, the ape that picked the Cards to win the game. They have now just reported that Kurt Warner gets sacked once every 24 drops. With this information I can now plan out the next year of my life. Thank you ESPN.
Now, next in line for Super Bowl moronica to be addressed are those silly box pools that every work place or bar in the universe are running at this time. Yes, even the palace in which Dinglefritz works has a few of these too. I could cure the economy, or at the very least make a lot of local stores happy, if I had the money back that my wife 'invested' in these pools and the various others that she is participating in. In my opinion it is a fool that parts with their money in this way but I guess it is the 'thrill' of the hunt mentality that takes over. Oh well, let them have their fun as while I find these pools very moronic there is always a chance, albeit a small chance, that my wife will win a pool which would mean a happy wife. A happy wife means a happy Dinglefritz, or at the very least a less crabby Dinglefritz, and the world loves a happy Dinglefritz.
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