Membership into the MHOF will be fast and furious in the next few weeks with all of the potential candidates flouting their credentials. Governor Blagojevich will be inducted as soon as his last credential is met...his guaranteed impeachment but until then the newest member of the MHOF is not a person...it is a place.
Now Dinglefritz considers himself to be a very good bowler, in fact in my last season of ultra competitive scratch league bowling back in 2002-03, before I took a much needed break from the game, I averaged 226 in that league and set a league high with a 76% winning percentage. I also have had 4 league high average awards, a ton of 700 series, two 300 games and an 800 series, for which I received an Association Achievement Award for the high series in the Perry Bowling Association for that year from the ABC. I am very proud of these accomplishments and have learned to adapt myself to whatever lane conditions I face in order to be competitive. Some conditions are tougher than others but usually you can find something that works, either in terms of a line to the pocket or the use of certain equipment as in different types of balls. So I came out of retirement this year to chase my final goal... to complete my 'Grand Slam' I needed to bowl a 299 game... and the fact that my wife wanted me out of the house once in a while for my own good also helped me to unretire. I decided I did not want to bowl at a hall where I could close my eyes and shoot 700(e.g. Gates Bowl) but I wanted a little bit more of a challenge. With my tail firmly between my legs I now admit that I have more than met my match. Walking into the newest MHOF member's building is like walking into the Time Tunnel and going back to the 1970s. The lanes have more divots than a hackers golf course, the lane oiling machine is a relic from the turn of the century and I do not mean the year 2000. The machines break down more than my wife's willpower to not spend at the mall and the lane machine maintenance guy would rather be in the bar or staring at the girls than down with the machines. The place that has earned membership into the MHOF is Spencerport Lanes in Spencerport, NY.
Now, there are a lot of good points about the place but the overall aspect has earned it the unqualifying honor of this induction. The person that runs the place is a great guy and I feel for him because he gets hardly any help from other members of his family, the league I bowl on is filled with good people, the place has great wings and pizza and the scoring machines actually can keep score.
But the good points are overshadowed by the moronic points. The lane conditioning(oiling) machine is supposed to put out what is called the house pattern for leagues. This pattern is normally a very scorable pattern in order to keep the league bowlers happy but the oiling machine itself could have been inducted into the MHOF as it runs up and down the lane but leaves the lane dryer than the Gobi Desert. I am an experienced enough bowler to know how to adjust to lanes as they are breaking down(as in the surface oil pattern after use) but this machine does not have the ability to put out a good shot and should be retired to the nearest museum. To have to make an adjustment every other frame is incredible. I have bowled in places where maybe I make one or two moves a night to stay with the shot but not here. Even my plastic ball that should go straight hooks like a banshee. I have to use it by the third game for my first shot as the lane conditions have degraded so much to render my good ball unusable. I have even tried to flatten my wrist at the point of release and the ball still hooks. uff! My son, who does not have the slightest clue as to how to bowl, warned me that the shot sucked...He was right.
Now for the machines...Alley 14 is a classic. Every other frame the 5 pin decides it does not want to show up in a full rack... Alley 15 likes to eat balls...alley 13 will not pick up a 2 pin if it is left by itself after the first shot and so on and so forth.
The heating bill can't be high because the only place it is warm is in the pizza oven. When we are on 15-16 we hope they break down so we can move to 7-8 and be nearer to the oven...and the exit.
The lanes themselves are old and unfortunately past the point of resurfacing. They need to be replaced but in this day and age that can not and will not happen as league bowling has lost its luster and thats a shame. It sucks when you want to be there because of all of the good points but the moronic points just overwhelm them. It would probably take over a $500,000 investment to eliminate most of the moronica but the income potential is just not there to justify such an investment. I have worked in a bowling alley so I know what needs to be done and approximately the costs involved so I am not talking out of my arse on this point. As I say you can bring a dead horse the best food and water but its still dead and will stay that way.
The overall moronica of the place, and it really hurts me to admit this, has earned Spencerport Lanes enshrinement into the MHOF as its third member. If you see the owner please let him know of the honor that has been bestowed upon his establishment.
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