It is Deja Vu All Over Again - King Wins!!!

1) Well, stop the presses as your King did it again today in golf...well sort of. My point total to hit today was twenty. I finished with 23 which is a plus three and ended up tied for first, with my good friend Auggie, out of a full field of twelve players today but now my point total goes up to twenty two and that is a tough number for me to reach. Unless I really go nuts I have probably won for the last time this year but that does not matter as I just want to play well. It has taken over two years for my game to return to the level it was at prior to my ill fated marriage and I want to keep it there and hopefully, maybe, improve on it. If I EVER make that mistake again my next wife WILL golf.
I played some of my best golf of the year on the front nine and carded a forty one. Only a double on the ninth hole, thanks to a bad break, kept me from breaking forty for the first time in ages. I also made some lengthy putts to save points on at least three holes. An eighteen footer on two and a twenty footer on 14 saved pars. But the point saving twenty five foot putt on five was the sweetest. My game seems to be rounding into some kind of form but I still have those few nightmare holes each round which prevent me from having a lights out round. I am getting closer though. Maybe next week.
2) Hurricane Irene gave us a bunch of clouds and a lot of wind today, which made the golf match even more of a challenge, but that is all. We did not get a drop of rain but the rain shield was fifty miles to the east of us so we barely stayed dry. The northeast wind it brought was quite refreshing and made my outdoor work at my castle quite tolerable though it still sucked picking up all of the little twigs from the lawn prior to mowing it. I guess that comes with having a royal forest in the Kingdom.
3) I was unlucky today on route 390. I got stuck having to see the Moby Dick mouth Wegmans sushi billboard as no tanker truck came to my rescue today. I still cannot believe how big that woman's mouth is.
4) A few months ago, when I went to Myrtle Beach, I had the opportunity to go parasailing for the first time. I did it on the last day of my vacation as I hemmed and hawed with myself over whether I wanted to do it or not. I decided to be brave and not chicken out and boy did I enjoy it. I had a great view of the beach and the ocean while I was in the air and it was nice and quiet. I spent about fifteen minutes aloft by myself and it was well worth the money.
I would write more but the royal laundry is done and I need to take care of it. This is your King wishing you a pleasant evening

It Took All Year but KING WINS!!!!

1) Well your King finally pulled it out of his crown today on the golf course, I scored 21 points which equated to a plus three which was good enough to win today's match. I shot an 89 and that score had 6 bad holes included in it so if I could have eliminated those bad holes the score would have been closer to 80. I feel like I am so close to shooting a lights out round I can just taste it. Maybe next time but your King is just happy to be playing better golf, whether I win or not.
2) I want to thank the tanker truck that pulled onto the 390 expressway at Brooks Avenue this morning around 6:30. He pulled out at the perfect moment to block my view of the Moby Dick mouth Wegmans sushi billboard. The mouth probably became that big from nagging and hollering at her husband, the poor soul. I hope I get that lucky again the next time I head south on 390.
3) Now for the 'Getting it off my Chest' segment:  My decision to skip this years 35th class reunion, after going to the 25th and 30th, looks like the right call. I will honestly admit that back in high school I was a dweeb which, since it is a notch below being a nerd, is the lowest social caste you can be in. I believe I have become quite the different person now since those dweeb days. While I am still a naturally quiet person I like to think that I am a bit more fun to be around. The group that I golf with seem to enjoy having me around but my former classmates, pretty much, do not even give me the time of day to find out. I get the old hi/bye routine whenever I run into an old classmate. I guess I am not even worth a few general 'how are you doing' questions. Today, at the golf course, there were a few of my old classmates there to play in a tournament. A couple gave me the hi/bye routine and the rest just ignored my existence. One even came into the bar, saw me and made a beeline out of the bar. Now that is cold. I once shared a few emails with one of my classmates and then when I made the mistake of saying 'let us get together for a round of golf' I never heard from that classmate again. I must not even be worth one round of golf. Oh well. What is really funny is that, when they were getting the list out of hard to find classmates, I was listed. My god, my physical address has not changed for ten years, they have my email address, a few are 'friends' on my Facebook page and I am in the phone book. I guess they didn't care to make an effort to contact me, and I was certainly in no mood to contact them. BUT I will give credit to two of my classmates who either sent me an email or a message on my page. I know that there a few others that care but for the rest of them...I won't even give them the time of day. No more reunions for this boy. I do not want to be reminded of the past anymore. I may not be the life of the party but I am not a dweeb anymore. I am a King!
4)  Go away Hurricane Irene!!! The only effects from this storm in Moronica is that the sky is cloudy from the remnants of the spiral bands and the outflow and it is a bit breezy. I hope that it weakens and does not give our coastal residents too much trouble.
5) Nothing beats a pepperoni, black olive and anchovy pizza from Mark's Pizzeria. I got one Thursday and it was scrumptious. It helps calm the nerves after a hard day at work. With the way work is going I should be eating a pizza a day but not even Bill Gates can afford that and neither can my waistline.
6) My stupid bowling season starts in less than three weeks. I dread it like a person would dread the onset of leprosy. The reason that I dread it, unlike golf, is that I expect too much from myself and cannot enjoy it. The game also bores me to tears. I have achieved a number of accomplishments throughout my career and the only thing I lack to complete my grand slam is bowling a 299 game. That is the only reason I play this stupid game anymore, to complete my slam. And, since I bowl at Bedrock Lanes, I will probably never get it. It will be no big deal if it does not happen but it would be a nice to get it.
Well that is enough for today. I feel better after my rant in #3 as it is the truth and they say the truth shall set you free. Personally I would like to have better relations with my classmates but, for the most part, that will never happen and really I can live with that. This is your King wishing you a pleasant day.

Santa?? Pitching Pepsi???

I heard a commercial on the radio today where Santa's elves were pitching Pepsi products. Knowing that Santa is strictly a Coca Cola man I decided to give him a call to find out the scoop and, at the very least, say hi as it has been a couple of years since I have spoken with the big guy. I called the main office but they said he was out on vacation in Florida so I gave him a call on his cell. After a few tries, as I could not leave a message as his message box was full, I finally got through to my friend.
"Hello, ho ho..."
"Hi Santa, This is your Friend King Dinglefritz, How are you doing?"
"Dingle, my friend, so good to talk with you. It has been far too long. Last time I spoke with you I was recovering from my visit to the White House. I am doing great now! How about you?"
"I am doing fine Santa. It is so good to hear your voice again. Speaking of that White House visit, any lasting effects?"
"Nope, completely recovered. It took a little longer than my doctors thought but I have finally come through with flying colors. I had the last laugh however, President Obama sent me a Christmas wish asking for a fast growing economy and I pretty much just laughed since he is on my naughty list thanks to his goons. Ho Ho Ho."
"Its good to hear you in such great spirits Santa. I am curious as to why you are in Florida now. Usually you take your vacation in the Bahamas for a month in January and then it is back to work for the rest of the year. Why the change?"
"It is called money my friend. I have more of it now since I signed a big advertising contract a few months ago. I was able to hire more management help and am able to take more time away from the factory. Hey, I am getting old you know. And having a bit more cash is one heck of a chick magnet down here, just don't tell Jessica Ho Ho Ho!! She is with me somewhere here. I think she is at the pool so I can relax and be myself."
"I have heard commercials featuring your elves selling Pepsi. Is that the contract you are referring to?"
"Yup!! They made me an offer I couldn't refuse"
"But Santa, You have always been a Coke man.."
"Still am. I can't stand Pepsi as it gives me bad gas but nowadays when they fill your wallet I will say anything is great, but then again it is the elves saying that so technically, if you think about it, I am off the hook."
"Santa, that is still selling out your principals. I never thought your would advertise anything that you did not like."
"I thought so too Dingle but when times are hard you have to do what you have to do. Santa needs some extra cash. Keeping all of those elves working ain't cheap, especially with the world's economy. You have to make tough choices in times like this but number of those zeroes in that contract made this decision easy."
"You have to do what you have to do, eh, Santa?"
"Yes Dingle, I have an ice cold Coke in my hand and Pepsi bucks in my wallet. A combo you can't beat!!"
"I guess you are right Santa. You really didn't pack a thong, did you?"
"Are you kidding????? It was something funny they decided to put in that stupid commercial. Besides, with a belly like mine... and they are also banned at the resort I am at.. That is the biggest shame as there are so many cute hot chicks..just kidding. Jessica is with me and my eye had better not wander...too much...Ho Ho Ho!!!"
"I still cannot believe you are doing ads for Pepsi. It boggles the mind."
"That is life my friend. I have to go now as the cute college coeds want me to play beach volleyball with them. Stuff like that keeps Santa young and they will ALL be on my good list this December. Take care Dingle!! Talk with you later!! Ho Ho HOOOOO!!!"
"Take care Santa, Bye."
Well that was my call to Santa transcribed from the tape I made. Hard to believe that he would ever push Pepsi but dollar signs get the best of us I guess, even people you thought were invulnerable to its lure get sucked in by it. It is just so hard to believe.
This is your King wishing you a pleasant evening.

OMG!! It is Everywhere!!

This is in regards to point number two of yesterday's blog. I went to Eastview Mall to finally use a gift card that I received at Christmas. It figures that the only store of its kind is down there but I digress. I was on my way back from Eastview Mall driving along on 490 West and lo and behold, right near the Culver Street exit ramp was that contemptible Wegmans sushi billboard with Moby Dick mouth on it. I couldn't believe it. I thought I was safe from it on 490 but nooooo! There it was, infesting my eyes again. Do these people not check out these things before they put them up for all to see? Don't they have people that say "Hey this looks too stupid, let us not use this"? If I knew who approved the use of this picture as a billboard I would put the moron in my Hall of Fame as this goof is totally deserving of this honor. Now, I do not mind a good billboard and I have seen plenty, especially on I-95 in North Carolina as you are approaching Pedro's South of the Border Park. Pedro's billboards are annoying but they do not even come close to the Moby Dick mouth Wegmans billboard's annoyance rating. Now, because of this billboard I am so put off for sushi that I may never, ever try it as all I will see when I look at it will be that annoying billboard. Ugh.

Fellow King in Trouble!!!

1) It looks like the unemployment roll is growing. I hear that my fellow king, THE Burger King and not that dime store phony that my ex queen is with, has been forced out. Insurgents within his company rose up and forced his abdication as they just did not want to be ruled by a monarch anymore. They stormed his office earlier today with torches and clubs and demanded that he leave. With his tail between his legs he left, resigned to the fact that his whopper wasn't needed any longer. Oh well. I wish him well in his future endeavours. Rumor has it that he has some feelers out in Hollywood to maybe star in some x-rated flicks. With those white tights and that big head of his he might just do okay.
2) Is there anything more ANNOYING than that Wegman's sushi billboard along route 390 near the airport heading south. It just drives me absolutely bananas everytime I drive by the bloody thing. It features some woman with 2 pieces of sushi in front of her eyes who has the biggest mouth I have ever seen. I haven't seen a mouth that big since the last time I watched Moby Dick. Jeez, that mouth is big enough to store a small plane in. Well with that mouth, when her billboard contract runs out, she can always get a new job along with the Burger King in his new job. Okay, now I digress AND I am getting disgusting.
3) No real golf for me this weekend as the club championship is being held at the Livingston Country Club both days this weekend. Since I am, unfortunately, not a member there I cannot participate. Maybe I will go work on my short game at that little par 3 course in Spencerport. My short game does seem to improve whenever I do that and I really need to get out and get some excersize since I have to walk that course. Believe me, I need to get my fat butt moving around and get back into some kind of shape. Sitting in a cube all day at work has NOT done wonders for my figure because my waistline is expanding much faster than America's economy.
4) How about that moron driving his truck today think he is Fred Flintstone. The boob knew his brakes were shot yet he hopped into his truck and decided to drive it. Maybe the idiot was going out for a brontosaurus burger or maybe even the Triceratops shake that was on special at Dunkin Donuts that day. Thinking his truck was the Flintstonemobile he dragged his feet along the road in an effort to slow it down. Well that did not work too well as the only thing that slowed him down was the four other cars he hit along the way. This guy is definitely a confirmed moron and worthy of being noted in this blog. The press did not confirm whether Dino was also in the truck.
5) The stock market dropped again today and so did my dreams of an early retirement. At the rate it is falling it should be down to zero by November. Then we will not have to worry about it anymore as it will have nowhere to go but up...at least I don't think it can drop below zero, can it? But knowing my luck...
Well, it is getting late and I must now head to the royal bedroom and hop into bed. Maybe I will dream of a hot new queen, maybe I will dream of vast riches, maybe I will dream of hitting great golf shots like Jack Nicklaus or maybe I will dream of being an actual King. But then again I will probably dream that I am back in my cube at work. That is a dream that happens far to often. What is funny is that I dream a lot of work, past and present. At least once a month I dream about being at my first job in a bowling alley when I was a teenager. More often I dream of the days I was a master forklift operator in the warehouse. Man I was a whiz on that thing. I could run circles around anyone, except for my friend Bret who I admit was the best forklift operator that I ever knew, may he rest in peace. Here it is getting even later and I am still at it. I must be bored silly so it is off to bed for me. Have a good evening.
Your King.

Grumblings from a Grouch

1) The Bills first stringers actually looked halfway decent this past Saturday. The defense played very well as Shawn Merriman looked a bit like his former self and the newest big guy Dareus threw his weight around quite well. The Bills ended up with nine sacks for the game. If they can keep that up during the regular season they may actually scare a few teams...now if they can only stop the run.
2) Played golf this past Sunday. On the front nine I looked like I never held a club in my hand my entire life as I had the worst nine of the year. I had to make nineteen points for the day and I made the turn at a whopping two points thanks to a pair of bogeys on eight and nine. Now the back nine was a different story. I scored fourteen points and finished with a total of sixteen, which is not bad considering. What started me off was making a bird on the very tough tenth hole. I guess it inspired me. How you can follow the worst round of the year with the best round of the year(and it could have been even better if my putting was just a touch better) is beyond me. I had a 54-41 for a 95. I guess you can call it Dow Jones golf.
3) The Stock market sucks.
4) Our elected officials in Washington D.C suck even more.
5) Well my reprieve from mowing the lawn, thanks to a two month dry spell, is now over. The recent rains have acted like liquid Wheaties to my grass and it is now growing faster than ever. It may look nicer now but I surely enjoyed only mowing bits and pieces of it every two weeks.
6) Your King was invited to play golf in a tournament at Brook Lea Country Club this past Monday. This is a private upscale course in Gates New York so whenever I have a chance to leave a few divots, I mean play there, I jump at the chance. Even your King cannot afford a membership at that private club. Moronica just does not pull in enough money to allow such a luxury. Too bad!! PS: I did see a gopher out on the course though.
7) The Bills finally got rid of Aaron Maybin who is possibly the worst first round bust in the history of the Buffalo Bills. What gets me is why the NY Jets would sign this loser to a contract? This guy is a hopeless case and should soon be flipping burgers at Burger King. I cannot see this guy making the Jets final roster. I hate the Jets and I hope this is a sign that they are getting desperate to find players. But, then again I do not think so. Maybin will be gone before the regular season starts.
Well, this is enough garbage for tonight. This is your King wishing you a pleasant evening.

FORE!!! Your King is Constantly Hollering

After my last world hating tirade, as epitomized by my last ramblings, your King actually had a decent weekend...for once. So I am temporarily in a good mood until my next headache comes around the corner which, knowing my luck, should be rather soon.
I participated in a golf tournament down in Geneseo and my team, I hope you are seated firmly, actually won the bloody thing. It was the Superintendents Cup, which is a fund raiser for the course to make improvements, and we won going away. Second place was eight strokes behind us. It was funny as we are all about the same type of golfer, which is a stroke or two around a twenty handicap, we all seemed to gel on this day. It was a best ball tournament so we had to play our own shots and we all played well. With the type of scoring system that was to be used we were fearing the par three holes, where you had to take three of the net scores, but our fears were unfounded as we ate up the par threes. In fact our net score as a team was four under on the dreaded par three eleventh hole alone. Par for the tourney was 136 and we finished with a 104. Go figure.
We also played our little tourney within the tourney that we usually play on weekends and I finished with a twenty three which is a plus six in relation to my normal score. I thought I had a good chance for second place, as my team mate had a plus 13 and left me in his rear view mirror as he shot lights out for the day. Boy was I wrong, Our other foursome had three scores that equalled or tied it. I finally had a good day but others had better days. But we won the cup. I am happy with that as it was a team effort and I am all about the team. I then used my Pro Shop dollars and got myself another dozen of those great Titleist ProV-1 balls that do not go BOING when they land on the green. It is nice when you land the ball on the green and it sticks, instead of stinks.
How about that stock market!!! In my last blog I said it was just starting to head south. Boy was I wrong as it grabbed a flight out of NY this morning and headed straight for Antarctica. For that I thank the mindless stooges that we have elected to serve us in Washington D.C. They served us alright, right down the river as they only care about themselves instead of the good of the country. I guess I will now have to work until I am about eighty and with a little bit of luck I will kick the bucket a month after my retirement, which will be about as long as my 401Ks will last, thanks to the jerks in Washington, so I won't have to worry about running out of money.  I should not have written about the stock market as my pissy mood is quickly returning so I had better quit for the night. My only wish is for Washington D.C. to somehow magically disappear overnight. If we could only get that lucky. Good night.

Your King Must Not Have Anything Better to do Tonight

Sometimes it is tough to get motivated to write crappola on this site. The last few months have been rather depressing for your King. I would write about it but it would depress me even more so I won't.
I see football is back. The Bills are in training down the road, well across town, from where I live. They pretty much have the same squad of mostly stinko players that they had last year. The other teams in their division are beefing up their lineups but not our Bills. Even the Sabres are making some noise in signing players. Hmm, new owner equals new attitude. Not with the Bills...Mummifying owner equals same old crap. I feel for poor Chan Gailey as he has been dealt with the standard rotten hand of a two and a seven off suit. Maybe he can be a miracle worker but even Helen Keller can see where this team will finish at the end of the year.
Congress this past month made our New York Legislature look like a finely honed machine. Spoiled brats on both sides of the aisle want to take their balls home with them and not play. Even the Iraqi Congress gets along better than our batch of elected stooges. The economy is dying, the Stock Exchange is starting to head south again, unemployment is creeping up again and all we hear from Washington is the same old bull crap. This makes me fondly remember that scene from the movie 'Mars Attacks' where the Martian leader is about to address Congress but instead lasers them out of existence and the little old lady watching it on TV starts laughing as she says "they blew up congress'. Maybe a visit from Klaatu will set our Congress straight but I am sure, after hearing them babble and whine, Klaatu will tell GORT he has had enough.
The NBA has locked out its players...who cares.
I have tried to golf as much as I can to make up for the 2 month delay I had in the start of my season thanks to the crappy weather we had in early Spring. I have been playing very consistently but consistency does not win you anything. I have had my moments during a round but I am still waiting for that one break out round that will let the world know that I have returned. But then again I am sure the world couldn't care less.

As you can probably tell your King is probably not in the best frame of mind but, then again, who cares. I really don't even care. Life sucks. You try to do your best but you keep getting knocked back down so why try? Sometimes you just want to throw in the towel but you dig deep to try to find that extra bit of energy to keep going. Well, the well is going dry and I have just about have had enough. Maybe relocating to another state again may help. My 'mission' to Utah for a couple of years back in the mid nineties did wonders for me mentally(until they found out I was not a Mormon and deported me back to NY). Maybe something like that is what your King needs to move forward. Maybe it is just the same old mid-life crisis that people say you get. Maybe I am just in a pissy mood. Maybe I have a vitamin deficiency. Maybe if my granny had wheels she would be a wagon. Who cares? I don't. Screw the world! Good night.

Moronica Celebrates!!!!

Last night, around 10:15 or so, as I was lying on the royal bed I was flipping through the channels checking things out. I came onto CNBC and then to CNN and saw that there was supposed to be a few words to be delivered by President Obama around 10:30 or so. Usually late on Sundays there is never anything going on so this piqued my interest. What could the President possibly talk about late on a Sunday evening?? The talking head on CNN mentioned that it was going to be about the middle east. Random thoughts went through my head..could we have bagged Gaddafi?
Then the talking head narrowed it down to the Pakistan-Afghanistan area. The thought of what actually happened did cross my mind for a second but it was among many. The time of the President's appearance kept getting pushed back and the talking head finally told us what he believed was going to be announced..That Osama bin Laden was found and killed. Oh joy, oh rapture if this was true. The world's number one asshole finally taken out. Still, I wanted to hear it from President Obama himself. Finally at 11:30 the President appeared and confirmed what the talking heads had previously told us..Bin Laden was dead. Hearing that put a big smile on my face.
President Obama made one of the gutsiest calls a President has ever made to send the Navy Seals into Pakistan unannounced to take him out. The Seals took forty minutes to raid the compound, kill him and then clean the joint out of anything that may help us in the future to bag the rest of al Qeada's hierarchy. You have to love those Seals..the baddest asses that our military can produce.
I hope, and surely believe, that Hollywood will make a movie of this triumph for America. At the end of the movie they can remake the munchkin part of the Wizard of Oz in which the good witch Glynda(Obama) tells al Qeada's number two asshole, al Zawari, that he better be gone or America will drop some Seals on him. I hope we get him soon.
People have knocked President Obama for being timid on foreign policy. It took guts to make this decision. Guts that even drew praise from Rush Limbaugh who said "God Bless President Obama". I never thought I would hear anything like that from Rush let alone agree with anything this bag of wind ever say.
Moronica takes this time to celebrate and honor President Obama and especially our Navy Seals who have delivered us from evil yet again. The job is not over. The head of the snake is dead and now we have to deal with the body but for now we celebrate. It is a good day in America.

Kingdom's Favorite Hockey Team gets Fired

I guess this weather is making me extra grumpy lately. Firing the Royal Meteorologist didn't help matters much.  We just had another thunderstorm after a severe drought that lasted over 12 hours in Moronica. It was getting to the point where I was going to have to water my lawn as the sun, which actually made an appearance today, was drying the grass out too quickly. 12 hours without rain...Just too bloody long but I really digress.
Now back to the meat of this stupid blog. I have been a Buffalo Sabres fan from day one. Ever since that infamous coin flip that allowed them to draft Gilbert Perreault first overall, and Vancouver ending up with some slug, I have rooted endlessly for them. That is forty years of pain and suffering and having my heart broken. Well last night was it. They rolled over and died against Philadelphia in game seven of their series. It was so nauseating that I ended up changing the channel to watch "Deadliest Catch" on Discovery before the end of the game. They should have won in game six but a stupid penalty taken by, now banned from Moronica, Chris Butler gave Philadelphia a power play which they used to tie the game up and then went on to win it in overtime. I am now firing the Buffalo Sabres as the favorite hockey team of the Kingdom of Moronica. I am going to watch the rest of the playoffs and the beginning of next season before deciding on a new team to represent Moronica. It will be like giving the other 29 teams an audition to see who will represent Moronica. Now, there are certain teams that will not be considered. Teams such as Philadelphia, Boston, any New York City based team, the Detroit Red Wings and any team that is stupid enough to sign Tim Connolly this off season. Those teams have already been ruled out. Now it would be nice if the other teams remaining in my list would seize this opportunity to become Moronica's team. Maybe fly out your King, wine him, dine him and throw a few souvenirs his way to sway him. Hey, everyone has a price and so does your King. But the Sabres are out, caput, finis, done and whatever other word fits.
Your King is tired getting laughed at, especially at work. My Facebook postings for the Sabres have been treated as a joke(probably deservedly so) and I am tired trying to defend a team that lacks heart at the time where heart means the most. Philadelphia showed the heart and determination they had inside them to crush the Sabres in game seven. Buffalo is now off to see the wizard to get a heart but I think he gave the last one to the Tin Man.
This is your King wishing that you all have a pleasant evening my friends.

Royal Droppings

1) I was watching the Sabre's playoff games and a commercial I saw gave me quite the chuckle. It was a commercial for Independent Health and it featured a special kind of treatment. It was called the 'Red Shirt Treatment', and anyone being a fan of Star Trek, would have a laugh at this. We all know that if you were a 'red shirt' on one of Captain Kirk's landing parties your chances of returning to the ship were pretty remote. This leads me to believe that this "Red Shirt Treatment" of Independent Health may be part of the so called death panels that Sarah Palin was talking about. To me the red shirt means that you have a trip to visit the coroner on your upcoming schedule. I think I will pass on that treatment.
2) OK, since the New York State electorate pretty much voted back in the same batch of knuckleheads that has screwed up this state lately I do not find it hard to believe that they are now knocking heads on two very difficult decisions. The decisions that must be reached will have deep implications into the future of New York State. The two decisions are: Will it either be Corn or Onions as the state vegetable and what will the official state dog be. Man, I cannot think of anything that they can be doing that would take priority over these tough decisions. I just hope that the semi-bipartisanship that resulted in an on time budget, for once, comes into play here. I would hate to see the government of New York State held in a long deadlock whilst the two parties wrangle over these choices. Only in New York State.
3) They helicoptered in a prisoner from some woe begone prison in Greene County a few days ago to Strong Hospital. Mr. Kenneth Piker, raper and sodomizer of a 13 year old girl, needs a heart transplant. I say let him die and reduce the surplus, useless population.
4) While the treasury of Moronica still has not returned to pre-Queen levels your King has decided to take a vacation. Sometime in the future, at a time to be determined, I will be off to Myrtle Beach to rest and relax at a seaside resort soaking up some much deserved sun. The clubs will be with me so maybe I can leave a few divots there as a reminder of my visit. With this cold and rainy spring your King has gone stir crazy and needs to get out of Dodge for a week. I will give you a report of my trip upon my return.
Well, this is enough baloney for today. It is actually quite nice out but, I need a snorkel to go out into my back yard. This is your King wishing you a pleasant day.

Your King Gets Snubbed Again

I fully expected that I would be holed up somewhere in London today awaiting the festivities of the upcoming Royal Wedding. You see, as King of the monarchy of Moronica, I fully expected to get an invitation to the Royal Wedding. You would think that in this day and age we monarchs would stick together and invite each other to our royal shindigs. Well, I kept checking my mail for the last couple of months and the box was continually devoid of said invitation. I find it hard to believe that they would not invite me to this occasion. I even checked with the USPS to see if there was an issue and they said they had no record of anything like that being addressed to the Kingdom. So you can see my frustration as to being, probably, the only royal figure not invited to this festive occasion. My monarchy may be small but it should not be ignored and that irks me. I hope it rains on their parade tomorrow. It has most certainly rained enough here.

Sacrifices Must be Made

Ages ago certain civilizations made sacrifices to appease the gods in hopes that they would provide what they needed to survive or even prosper. We in the modern era still make sacrifices but in a totally different way than our ancient brothers. If gas is expensive we sacrifice trips in the car. If our cholesterol is high we sacrifice fatty foods. Not in the ancient era. In the ancient era the high priest would select a person to be sacrificed to appease their gods. Usually it would be a beautiful young female virgin that would be placed upon the altar and sacrificed to their gods. They believed that this would bring them rains for their crops, victory over their rivals or just to make their gods happy or so they thought. Now has come the time for us to make such a sacrifice. Firing my royal meteorologist, then rehiring and firing him again did not work. The weather still blows in this neck of the woods. It is time to dig deep, like our ancient brothers and make the ultimate sacrifice to appease Mother Nature and bring about our spring. We need spring. Spring makes people happy. Birds sing, plants grow, the sun shines more and women start to wear skimpier things but I digress there. We must select a human sacrifice. After giving this great thought as to who to sacrifice, and no it will not be a pretty young female virgin as your King is now single and he does not want to risk sacrificing someone who may think he is hot but again I digress, and it will be someone who represents cold weather. The person to be offered to Mother Nature loves the cold and snow and his sacrifice will represent our desire to be returned to the sun and warmth that we expect from spring.  After consulting with a few people of Aztec descent we have determined that our sacrifice shall be meteorologist Kevin Williams of Channel 10. Anyone that puts a snowmaking machine, though it was a number of years ago, in his back yard should be sacrificed to appease Mother Nature. Sacrificing Kevin will show Mother Nature that we are serious about our desire for sun and warmth. Winter in Western New York and Moronica lasts far too long and for it to be extended as long as it has been is a crime. It is now April 18th and after looking out the window today and still seeing the white crap falling has made me, and a whole lot of other people, go crazy. This needs to end and it must end now. As I have said, sacrifices must be made and Mr. Williams is it.
It is now time for your King to take his medication to bring me back to reality. Until next time, and hopefully on my meds when I put up a new post, this is your King wishing you a pleasant evening.

Royal Mumblings from your Monarch

1) Well, your King did it again. After suffering through one of the most painful years bowling at Bedrock(Spencerport) Lanes I at least finished strong enough to win the 'League High Average' award for the second straight year. What is amazing is that it only took a 192 average to do it. Now, your King is not a 192 average bowler as anywhere else in the universe I can probably average around 210. Not at Bedrock. Dead pins, screwy oiling patterns and prehistoric machines lead me to wonder why I subject myself to this. I must be a glutton for punishment.
2) I had to chuckle when they put a video out of Czech president Vaclav Klaus slyly 'swiping' a ceremonial pen during a conference with Chile's president. I have the same problem at work with pen swiping. I had to put my name on my pens as a certain vendor of mine, when she would come early in the morning to drop off completed work, would bag a pen of mine each time. It really became comical for a while as it was always a guessing game as to what I would have left for writing utensils in my cube when I showed up for work long after she left. It could only happen to me.
3) How about the Buffalo Sabres??? From being the worst team in the league around Christmas they managed to come back and make the playoffs as the seventh seed in the east. If they play in the playoffs like they finished the season they may be a live underdog pick but knowing your typical Buffalo team they will be gone by the end of the first round.
4) I find it quite funny that Jane Corwin will probably be the next Congresswoman for the 26th district of New York. She has been a member of one of the most dysfunctional state governments for a while so I guess she can now bring that dysfunctional attitude to the Federal Government. BUT, I will give the state government kudos this time. They brought the budget in on time and actually reduced spending. Maybe Andrew Cuomo has brought in a new attitude to the circus in Albany. Only time will tell but so far he gets a plus.
5) Using the last of the foreign aid that the Kingdom of Moronica received from the United States Government this past March I again improved the infrastructure of the monarchy. Along with the new 46 inch Samsung LED TV your King also authorized the purchase of a new sofa-recliner. This replaces the couch that your King has tolerated for the last twenty three years. The old sofa did its job comforting your King but its was time to put it out to stud. It was depressing seeing it sitting out by the curb waiting for the Town of Gates to come and take it away as your King did have a soft spot for it but it had to go.
6) It is amazing how the weather started to turn better after the firing of the Royal Meteorologist but after much thought he was rehired last week. Now after the rehiring the weather is turning crappy again so maybe I made a mistake bringing him back. Hmm... Well that is enough garbage from my fingers for tonight. I was hoping to go golfing this Friday but they knocked down the predicted high temperature for the day by about ten degrees so maybe I will stay home. Your King wishes that you have a pleasant evening.

Your King Takes Action

Well, being that Spring is nowhere to be seen I have finally decided to take drastic action in this matter. The constant cold and snow has penetrated deep into my psyche and is driving me nuts so I took the only course of action that seems logical to me. I fired the Royal Meteorologist. Someone had to take the fall for this rotten weather and it most certainly was not going to be me. It was difficult to do as I have known him for a long time but like I said...with this crappy Un-Spring heads will have to roll. It went sort of like this after I paged him into my not so Oval Office.
"Yes sire, you called for me?"
"Yes I did. You know the weather we have been having lately has been driving me insane, correct? "
"I am familiar with your rants about the weather. I do follow your Facebook page."
"I am glad that you do as you will learn a lot from my writings but that is not the point. Someone is going to have to take the fall for this Spring that isn't."
"What do you mean Sire?? Fall??"
"Yes, fall. I must take action now. Tough action. Proactive action. I must make it clear to my fellow Moronicans that I will do what it takes to improve their situation before they pull a middle east on me."
"Sire, we all love you. You have done the best that you can. Your new royal Samsung TV has greatly improved life here in Moronica."
"You are right but again, that is not the point. Action must be taken because of this weather. I am sorry but you are now royally canned."
"Sire, I am sacked?"
"Yes."
"But Sire, I have no control..."
"I don't care. Someone has to take the blame for this rotten weather and it is going to be you. You may now leave my presence and visit the Royal Unemployment Office to sign up for your 'benefits'."
"Sire, I do my best. What else can I do??? I can't just wave a wand and make it sunny and seventy five."
"It is too bad that you can't as you would still have your job, Now begone with you before you head will really roll."
"Yes Sire. Goodbye Sire. mumble. mumble, jerk, mumble."
"What did you say?"
"Nothing Sire. I now leave your presence."
I guess I was in a bad mood and I should not have really taken it out on him but my royal golf clubs are sitting and waiting for warmth to arrive and there is no sign of it. Oh well, the money I save by not paying him I can put towards a royal vacation somewhere, somewhere warm. This is your King wishing you a pleasant evening and if you ever see an ad for a new Royal Meteorologist I would not answer it if I were you. "