The Incredible Shrinking Food

Lately I have noticed something that has been bothering me quite a bit . Tonight I went shopping for a few items so I could make myself a nice spicy Chinese dinner. At one of my stops I noticed a fresh sourdough boule in the bread rack. Now Dinglefritz has a soft spot in his heart..I mean stomach for boule type breads, sourdough, and Neo Tuscan are my favorites. Tonight I just have to say something. In a short span of time the size of these loaves has shrunk by at least 1/3rd and the price has either remained the same or has gone up. This is moronica in epic proportions. Its one thing to slightly shrink the bloody thing but to shrink it so that it is so noticeable?? I know companies are hurting but to charge $3.59 for a piece of bread that is slightly larger than a softball is ludicrous.
I have also noticed other things shrinking as well. I always had my morning pop tart at work but even these silly things have shrunk. Everything seems to be shrinking, well except for my belly but that's for a later blog.
People work hard for their money and they deserve a fair shake. While I have not been out to eat to often lately I know there are some restaurants that still offer an honest value. Fratelli's in Lakeville is one. Even I could not finish my more than ample portions of delicious fish and pasta and I had to bring it home where it served me well again the next night. I have heard the fish fry at Martino's is a sight to behold and the size of a whale but now I am really digressing and getting very hungry.
If there is some way to raise a stink about the incredible shrinking food we should do it. It is moronic to spend the same amount of money or more to end up getting 2/3rds of what you used to enjoy. It seems food is shrinking faster than today's job market. I wish my gut would shrink as quickly.
PS: Did anyone see the disappointment in Channel 10's weatherman Kevin William's eyes when he was talking about the potential Nor'easter that may head up the coast on Tuesday? He said the models are now predicting it to be farther east and less of a factor in producing snow for us. He genuinely looked sad. But his eyes did perk up when he said they could be wrong. He is a peach.

Fifth Inductee into the Moronica Hall of Fame

I told you the inductions were going to be coming fast and furiously in the next few weeks, now if we only had a building to house their busts to honor them. Maybe someday but I digress. The newest inductee to the Moronica Hall of fame is better known as the Milli-Vanilli of the survival-outdoors TV show hosts. A couple of years ago his survival show appeared on the Discovery Channel and one of his claims he made in the opening credits was that he did not receive help from his camera crew, well that lid was blown off as we discovered that he has had plenty of help from his camera crew. His older shows have now been re-edited to note this and his newest shows acknowledge this fact. It has also been discovered that when we thought he was out braving the elements on a harsh night in the woods he was actually in a nice warm hotel room until morning. While I do not express doubt about his knowledge of survival, his show while entertaining, was shown to be a sham until the re-editing. This man is Bear Grylls.
Bear has a history by which he should be proud of, being in the British Special forces, climbing Mt. Everest and other feats but to try to pull the wool over our eyes in his show was highly moronic. At least now he admits that he has had help and in the Scotland episode he freely admits, and the more I think about it the more I believe it was edited in after its first showing, in the narration and I will try to briefly try to paraphrase him 'that while I will not be spending the night out here I will show you how to'. I can also survive quite nicely throwing a few sticks together knowing that I will be soon eating a nice hot meal in the local hotel.
There was no need for Bear to do this. If he was open right from the beginning I would have a lot more respect for him and still would have enjoyed his show just as much. Now when I watch his show it leaves me wondering and thinking funny comments to myself about his situation and that is a shame. Like when he is supposed to be eating some kind of snake, maybe the camera guy slips him a tasty flank steak to cook and he cuts it up to look like snake. Who knows.
Sorry Bear, but Les Stroud you are not. Les is out by himself for 7 days without a camera crew. Les has to lug 55 pounds of camera gear around wherever he goes, Bear does not. Bear has let me down and this fact sealed his induction into the MHOF. If you happen to see Bear, and last I knew he was in hospital after falling down and getting a boo boo to his shoulder in Antarctica, please let him know of this induction and the honor that has been bestowed upon him.

Fourth inductee into the Moronica Hall of Fame

Yes he did it and by a 59-0 vote in the Illinois Senate, Governor Blagojevich, a democrat, is now Ex-Governor Blagojevich!!! As promised in a previous blog this man, also by a 59-0 vote, has now been inducted into the Moronica Hall of Fame! The MHOF is proud to make this announcement as this man has more than exceeded the standard by which inductees are judged.
Briefly going over a few of his credentials is the fact that he broke the law in the hiring of state workers, tried to sell Obama's senate seat to the highest bidder for which he was arrested for on December 9, 2008, having a horrible potty mouth, having a wife with a horrible potty mouth, and eventually embarrassing the national Democratic party by making an appointment to the senate, when he was advised it was in the state's and nation's interest that he not, thereby putting the newly elected president on the hot seat and making the governor's office in the state look like it was headed by a clown. Senator Burris seems like good man but he will forever tarnished by this debacle.
As I stated the Illinois senate voted 59-0 to impeach and remove him from office. I loved the quote by State Senator James Meeks after the fact using Blagojelingo "We have this thing called impeachment and its bleeping golden and we've used it in the right way". Perfect.
To try to say the all of the tape recordings of his BS were misinterpreted is highly moronic as it certainly seemed as though the seat was going to be sold to the highest 'bidder'. We all knew he said the the seat was #^$*($ valuable and he wasn't going to give it away. You cannot misinterpret that unless you are a fool.
Last I new this man had an approval rating of 13% in the state. That makes former president George Bush look like a beauty pageant winner when Mr. Bush's rating is compared to Blagojevich's. What is it about the Governor's office in the state of Illinois that make men turn into idiots?? The last governor is in the clink and I believe a few others have also enjoyed time in the Illinois 'Hilton'. Lets hope the newest entry into the office of Governor avoids the moronica legacy left by the previous few. Blagojevich has set a new level of moronica that will be hard pressed to beat by anybody in any state thereby clinching his induction into the MHOF. If you happen to see Ex-Governor Blagojevich please let him know of this induction and the honor that has been bestowed upon him.

Random Thoughts

1) Not too long ago I was scanning the channels and noticed 'Loony Toons' on the Cartoon Network. As I went by I lamented the to myself that they never show the good ones with Bugs and Daffy, just the crappy ones. Being a Loony Toons fan I long to discover if I could locate them to enjoy them again. One of my favorites was the one in which Bugs took on Pete Puma. I had not seen that one in, say, twenty years so I googled what I believed was enough info to see if I could find it. Lo and behold I found it along with a few of my other all time favorites on Youtube. I could not believe my luck. I now enjoy Bugs giving Pete his 'three or four' lumps at my leisure. Thank you Youtube!
2) When it comes to weather Rochester sucks eggs. During the winter it is always cloudy, cold, dreary, snowy and totally depressing. What makes matters worse is weatherman Kevin Williams. He actually enjoys this crap, the rest of us just tolerate it. He has a twinkle in his eye when he is able to tell us about a winter storm warning. I like Kevin as his forecasts, I believe, are the best in town, but I wish he would tone it down when it comes to his love of snow. Spring cannot come too soon.
3) I have had enough. It seems that the schools are turning our children into little peddlers to raise funds for whatever that latest thing they need funds for. I am sick of Niagara candy, entertainment books, magazines and whatever else they decide they want to try to have the kids pawn on us. What is even worse is that we will probably be seeing more of this crappola as the State is lowering aid for school districts leaving them to try to peddle more crap unto us.
My son brought home a bill from school not to long ago. It was for his yearbook. I nearly had a stroke. It is bad enough that they are charging $70 for a stinking yearbook now and then they have extra charges for the bloody thing too. Want autograph pages??? add another two bucks to that total. I think I paid $15 for mine and that even included my name embossed on the front of it...which would be another two dollar charge for today's yearbook. Ugh.
4) It is a shame Les Stroud has decided that season three of his series 'Survivorman" will be his last. I have enjoyed his survival adventures immensely since I discovered the show a few years ago. His show is much more honest than Bear Grylls "Man vs. Wild" as he does not have a camera crew helping him and he has to spend seven days alone out wherever they decide to stick his butt. I hope we see more of Les in other things on TV in the future.
5) David Paterson can take his extra taxes and fees and stick them where the sun does not shine. Our State's legislature, which has and continues to be dysfunctional and a joke, had better get off its duff and cut spending quickly. Last I checked there was not a commandment that stated "Thou shalt tax and spend". If he thinks his soda tax is going to fly, well, he is in for another headache. I'll start drinking more water and maybe get healthier just to piss him off. Living in New York is quickly becoming a pathetic joke. I was planning on staying here after I retire, but now, that probably will not be the case. I cannot imagine what the taxes and fees will be like then as they are ridiculous now.
**MORONICA FOR MORONS! UBER ALLES!!**

Third member of the Moronica Hall of Fame

Membership into the MHOF will be fast and furious in the next few weeks with all of the potential candidates flouting their credentials. Governor Blagojevich will be inducted as soon as his last credential is met...his guaranteed impeachment but until then the newest member of the MHOF is not a person...it is a place.
Now Dinglefritz considers himself to be a very good bowler, in fact in my last season of ultra competitive scratch league bowling back in 2002-03, before I took a much needed break from the game, I averaged 226 in that league and set a league high with a 76% winning percentage. I also have had 4 league high average awards, a ton of 700 series, two 300 games and an 800 series, for which I received an Association Achievement Award for the high series in the Perry Bowling Association for that year from the ABC. I am very proud of these accomplishments and have learned to adapt myself to whatever lane conditions I face in order to be competitive. Some conditions are tougher than others but usually you can find something that works, either in terms of a line to the pocket or the use of certain equipment as in different types of balls. So I came out of retirement this year to chase my final goal... to complete my 'Grand Slam' I needed to bowl a 299 game... and the fact that my wife wanted me out of the house once in a while for my own good also helped me to unretire. I decided I did not want to bowl at a hall where I could close my eyes and shoot 700(e.g. Gates Bowl) but I wanted a little bit more of a challenge. With my tail firmly between my legs I now admit that I have more than met my match. Walking into the newest MHOF member's building is like walking into the Time Tunnel and going back to the 1970s. The lanes have more divots than a hackers golf course, the lane oiling machine is a relic from the turn of the century and I do not mean the year 2000. The machines break down more than my wife's willpower to not spend at the mall and the lane machine maintenance guy would rather be in the bar or staring at the girls than down with the machines. The place that has earned membership into the MHOF is Spencerport Lanes in Spencerport, NY.
Now, there are a lot of good points about the place but the overall aspect has earned it the unqualifying honor of this induction. The person that runs the place is a great guy and I feel for him because he gets hardly any help from other members of his family, the league I bowl on is filled with good people, the place has great wings and pizza and the scoring machines actually can keep score.
But the good points are overshadowed by the moronic points. The lane conditioning(oiling) machine is supposed to put out what is called the house pattern for leagues. This pattern is normally a very scorable pattern in order to keep the league bowlers happy but the oiling machine itself could have been inducted into the MHOF as it runs up and down the lane but leaves the lane dryer than the Gobi Desert. I am an experienced enough bowler to know how to adjust to lanes as they are breaking down(as in the surface oil pattern after use) but this machine does not have the ability to put out a good shot and should be retired to the nearest museum. To have to make an adjustment every other frame is incredible. I have bowled in places where maybe I make one or two moves a night to stay with the shot but not here. Even my plastic ball that should go straight hooks like a banshee. I have to use it by the third game for my first shot as the lane conditions have degraded so much to render my good ball unusable. I have even tried to flatten my wrist at the point of release and the ball still hooks. uff! My son, who does not have the slightest clue as to how to bowl, warned me that the shot sucked...He was right.
Now for the machines...Alley 14 is a classic. Every other frame the 5 pin decides it does not want to show up in a full rack... Alley 15 likes to eat balls...alley 13 will not pick up a 2 pin if it is left by itself after the first shot and so on and so forth.
The heating bill can't be high because the only place it is warm is in the pizza oven. When we are on 15-16 we hope they break down so we can move to 7-8 and be nearer to the oven...and the exit.
The lanes themselves are old and unfortunately past the point of resurfacing. They need to be replaced but in this day and age that can not and will not happen as league bowling has lost its luster and thats a shame. It sucks when you want to be there because of all of the good points but the moronic points just overwhelm them. It would probably take over a $500,000 investment to eliminate most of the moronica but the income potential is just not there to justify such an investment. I have worked in a bowling alley so I know what needs to be done and approximately the costs involved so I am not talking out of my arse on this point. As I say you can bring a dead horse the best food and water but its still dead and will stay that way.
The overall moronica of the place, and it really hurts me to admit this, has earned Spencerport Lanes enshrinement into the MHOF as its third member. If you see the owner please let him know of the honor that has been bestowed upon his establishment.

Cardinals??? In the Super Bowl?????? And other not so random sports thoughts

I find it very funny that one of the worst teams in the NFL for the last five or so weeks of the regular season has made it to the Super Bowl. As the King of the Moronica and all things moronic I have always rooted for the underdogs to succeed when they had a chance to. Ever since I was a little snot nosed kid I liked the Bills, Saints and most any other team that sucked eggs for what seemed to be an eternity and this includes the ever so rotten Arizona Cardinals. I even root for the Columbus Blue Jackets in hockey as they seem to be requesting eternal citizenship in Moronica. I must be a glutton for punishment as I detest the teams that constantly win and flaunt it like the Patriots, Cowboys, Yankees, Lakers and, of course, this years AFC super bowl entry the Pittsburgh Steelers. I could not stand Bradshaw, Harris, Swann and the 'Steel Curtain" from their teams of the seventies, though Joe Greene did move up a few spots in my heart with his famous Coca Cola commercial. I chuckled when Jim Haslett stepped on Bradshaw's head, though he did get ejected for it, and I enjoyed it even more when they showed it in slow motion. I even bought Jim and his pals a pitcher of beer when I ran into him at the Hummers Inn after a Sabre game, though I did not tell him it was in honor of his famous stomp.
There are some teams that I cannot stand due to their geographical location. Any team based in New York City(and that includes any NYC team that plays in NJ) runs afoul in the land of Moronica. The Yankees stink, the Mets blow, the Rangers suck ice and so on. Also, any team based in New England sucks eggs too. The Patriots stink, The Bruins stank and the Celtics stunk(with apologies to the Grinch).
There are some teams that I cannot stand due to the sport in which they play...as in Baseball. Whenever I am tired and need a quick nap I check the channels and see if there is a baseball game on. If so, I turn it on and in five minutes or less I am in the Land of Nod. Baseball players are the greediest sacks of garbage this side of the planet Mars. The money they get for playing this stupid game equates to the crime of the century. I applaud the fact that the greediest of all, Manny Ramirez, has not been signed yet(his agent, Scott Boras, is a candidate for induction into the Moronica Hall of Fame). I guess even the moronic baseball general managers sometimes have a sense of what is right. Maybe there should be a rule in this country where no pro athlete can make more than the President of the United States. NO athlete, especially a baseball player, should be paid more than the president and it does not matter who is in office. I can sort of live with the fact that football and hockey players may be allowed an exception to this rule due to the punishing nature of their sports. Where is the punishment in baseball? Its pitch and catch and once in a while some idiot gets a stick on the ball. The only modern baseball player worth his salt was Cal Ripken as he never begged off saying "I'm so 'tired'..I need a day off" ala Manny Ramirez. What if other people in areas of importance shared that view of their jobs. I can see it now...'Mr. President...The Canadians have just invaded Montana you need to do something now'...."Sorry, but today I am tired today and I am taking the day off so go talk to the Vice President.' I could write a paragraph or two about basketball, ugh, but my finger is getting tired.
I have a lot of respect for hockey players, Sean Avery excluded, as it takes a lot of balls to play a game in which every player has a 'Ginsu knife' on the bottom of each foot. I am amazed there are not more serious injuries from skate cuts due to the speed in which they have to play at in this game. Getting conked on the noggin from sticks is far less of a factor since they finally adopted the helmet rule years ago. I still am amazed that goalies actually played without masks for so long. Now they have a rule that if the mask comes off the goalie during play they whistle the play dead immediately...Gump Worsley must be rolling in his grave over this rule but it is a good rule.
In conclusion, the Kingdom of Moronica fully backs the Cardinals as they strive to prove they they are the best team in the league. They management of the team have been honorary members of the Kingdom of Moronica for so long that its puts tears in the old King's eyes to see them playing for the championship. Lets hope they bring the Lombardi Trophy back to Moronica where it belongs.

Near death experience

The world nearly lost Dinglefritz a couple of weeks ago. It would have been a tragedy of epic proportions. Let me recount what happened....It all began a few years ago when my wife and I were at a restaurant and I ordered a ham and cheese omelet to eat. I asked my wife if she knew how to make one and she said yes. I then asked her if she could make me a ham and cheese omelet at home for me sometime and she said she would be more than happy to make me one. I was a happy man.
Whenever I go to Denny's I always order their Ham and Cheese Omelets as they are light, fluffy and very tasty. I saw the opportunity to captilize on my wife's "knowledge" about omelets after we had a delicious ham for Christmas dinner. I did not want any crappola ham in my omelet and since we had tasty leftovers my wife volunteered to make me an omelet using them. At the time I believed I was going to be in seventh heaven after breakfast, not being sent to heaven but let us continue.
I had just finished watching one of the Travel Channels food shows 'Best places to pig out' which featured a twelve egg omlete from a Seattle restaurant called Beth's Cafe and seeing the light, pure yellow, delicious looking but absolutely gigantic omelet it got my taste bud juices flowing for the coming treat. I should have gotten my first warning when I heard my wife comment while she was making it that she botched the flip. It'll be ok I thought, just a minor error, a quick fix and no problem to derail my taste train to heaven, little did I know that the tressel had collapsed.
Soon, my wife said she was done but the result was not quite what she had expected...that should have been warning number two. I stepped into the kitchen and prepared myself to eat the expected taste treat. "How can an omelet be destroyed" I thought to myself, It would be impossible. Then I saw it.....Instead of being yellow, light and fluffy it was ugly, ornery and looked like a pancake that had been left on the griddle way too long and folded in half. Unfortunately I had to do my duty, I sucked up every ounce of pride and guts I could muster and I ate it to please my wife. I tried to keep the derisive comments about it to a minimum to make my wife happy but even she could see the terror in my eyes. I spent the rest of the day on the couch battling my rolling stomach. How I made it through the day I will never know. Today, while lying in bed I heard my son say that she should make me an omelet for breakfast and as soon as I heard that I screamed NOOOOOOOOOOO from my bedroom and hid under the blanket. Lesson learned.... be careful in what you ask for....you may get it.

Do they feed their hockey players in Ottawa?

I was mildy amused to see the video of Ottawa Senator Jarko Ruutu snacking on the thumb of Buffalo Sabre Jason Peters. First of all was Peters' reaction as Ruutu chomped down on it. Now we all know that the average hockey player has as many teeth in their mouth as Popeye the Sailorman has so it surprised me that it bothered Peters at all. It was funny to see him skating around shaking his hand and looking at his thumb and then showing it to the referee like a little kid would show a boo boo to his mother. What really gets me is that Peters was the only player to get a penalty during that altercation, maybe it was for unsportsmanlike conduct for acting like his hand was shot. I checked the rule book and I did not see any penalties listed for gumming an opponent so, of course since he was not a Sabre, Mr. Ruutu got off scott free.
Now, if he was that hungry it leads me to ask the question "do they feed their players in Ottawa?" I do not know what the NHL players contract has in it for teams to feed, or provide money to feed, their players but it was obvious that Mr. Ruutu needed a snack. He saw Peter's thumb as a tasty morsel(pig) wrapped in a blanket(his glove) and took the opportunity to have a bite when he had the chance. Personally, I would have passed up that type of snack. The last thing I would want in my mouth is another hockey players piece of equipment. Playing soccer in college I had the occasion to share my locker room area with the hockey teams overflow players. The smell of the equipment was something to behold and cannot be described in this column using acceptable language.
Buffalo has a lot of nice places for a team to go for a pregame meal. After all it is the home of Chicken Wings(which, come to think of it a wing is about the size of Peter's thumb). Could the team's manager not find a place to take them? OR were they being really cheap??
Dinglefritz had a chance to interview Mr. Ruutu on the phone the other day in regards to his illfated snacking but I cannot transcribe any of that conversation because Mr. Ruutu made Caroline Kennedy sound like Daniel Patrick Moynihan. After the third 'you know' in the first sentence I had to hang up the phone.
The NHL did take action and suspended Mr. Ruutu 2 games for being unsanitary in his choice of foodstuffs. Lets hope the next time Ottawa visits they take the time to feed their players so they do not try to feed on ours.

Random Thoughts

1) It was good to see today that University of Buffalo head football coach Turner Gill received an extension along with a pay raise. Considering that UB was the laughing stock of division 1 football for so long and in just 3 years he turned this program into a winner. While I do not follow college football I am happy that he is staying at UB. The other programs that interviewed him for their openings are the big losers as they could have had this talented coach for their programs but, once again, racial moronica came into play. Auburn University is guilty of this. They hired a coach whose most recent credential was losing 10 straight games at Iowa State. The fans will love him when his teams start losing there too. Turner Gill is a winner and if the Bills are smart they would dump Jauron and hire this man.
2) Speaking of our most recent inductee into the Moronica Hall of Fame Dick Jauron proved once again against the Jets on 12/14/08 that his induction was justified. He managed to grab a loss from the jaws of victory. Having JP Lossman attempt a pass just before the 2 minute warning when the Jets could not stop Marshawn Lynch's running was sheer moronic genius. JP Lossman is an incompetant(per Cris Collinsworth) turnover machine and the sooner he is a free agent the better. JP, do not let the door hit you on the arse on the way out, actually, please hold it open for Jauron while the 2 of you can go out and pound the pavement for your next jobs.
3) Why is it that a religion that claims they are a religion of peace cause the most grief around the world. Lets take a roll call of who the extremist Muslims hate. The Hindus, the Jews, the Christians, the Buddhists. Did I leave anyone out? No one is safe from their extremist reign of terror. This religion considers that everyone who is not a follower of Islam to be an infidel. Sounds friendly doesn't it? Something has to be done to stop this lunacy and soon. Too many innocent people are dying because of their "jihads" against everyone, including the various sects w/in their religion. Incredible.
4) I hope that the recent drop in gas prices does not discourage the work that needs to be done finding alternate fuels. This research needs to be done and quickly because when the world comes out of this recession, and it will, the cost of oil will increase as the demand for oil will grow. Seeing gas prices this low is ONLY temporary and will not last. Smart people will realize this but unfortunately their are too many residents of Moronica who will be happy gas is cheaper and go back to their old gas guzzling ways.
5) Merry Christmas to all of you from the Kingdom of Moronica, just in case I do not get to this blog before the holiday.

A pat on the back from the Citizens of Moronica

There will be times when the Kingdom of Moronica board of recognition actually does want to congratulate someone on a job well done. This time is the case. This man, despite repeated nominations for Moronica Hall of Fame status by the Gates Democratic party, has persevered through one of the toughest stretches in Gates town history. Back in 2001, when Kodak left Gates, he was dealt with, using Texas Holdem vernacular, a two and a seven and did not fold his cards. He did what was necessary to keep services in this town at the level maintained prior to the shutting down of the Kodak facility in Tech Park. This move by Kodak cut incoming tax revenue into the town of Gates by a large amount so the town went through some leans years when taxes did not meet expenditures and the town rapidly used up its surplus and then some. He tightened belts and made the necessary adjustments, though it took a while the he has finally put Gates back into the black again. This man deserves our continued support and he will get my vote as long as he continues to run for office. This man deserves his "Get out of Moronica free" card. This man is Gates Town Supervisor Ralph Esposito. He didn't quit when times were tough and we should be happy that he didn't. We have a top notch police force and town services that can compete with anybody and these did not suffer during the dark times. If you see Ralph, please let him know that the Kingdom of Moronica heartily congratulates him and wishes him many more years of public service.

Second member of the Moronica Hall of Fame

Its been brought to my attention that there may be some good candidates to join Steve Donner as members of the Moronica Hall of Fame. Candidates included Ed Hochuli, The astronaut that lost the tool bag in space, sports super agent Scott Boras, but the newest entry into the Moronica Hall of Fame is none other than Dick Jauron, coach of the Buffalo Bills. His decisions at the end of the Buffalo-Cleveland game rank right up there in moronica. Lets set up this honor clinching scenario.... Buffalo gets the ball back, down two points with about 2 minutes to go at around their 45 yard line. Trent Edwards completes a pass, with authority no less, down the middle to get into outer field goal range with plenty of time left on the clock so what does Mr. Mind do? He has the best kicker in the league from 40 yards on in. Ryan Lindell has not missed from that range in almost 50 trys (he currently has the longest streak active streak from that range in the NFL) so instead of getting into that sure shot range he calls three running plays which the Browns stuff. This ends up with Lindell attempting a kick from 47 yards out. Now, in Ralph Wilson Stadium this time of year you are pressing your luck with trying kicks from outside of 40 yards but does Mr. Mind care? No. And it cost us the game. The fourth quarter has been Trent Edwards's best quarter all year.....why not let him try to get the touchdown, or at the very least into point blank field goal range where Lindell could have kicked it in with his schmeckel????
The second credential that has impressed us here in Moronica was his oh so decisive heave of the replay flag on a play in which the Patriots completed a long pass but the receiver's second foot was certainly out of bounds. Does Mr. Mind heave it like a man out into the middle of the field?? No, he drops it on the field like Mr. Wimpy and, of course, it fails to draw the attention of any official and the Patriots end up running the next play and wind up scoring later in the drive. The Venus de Milo could have heaved the replay flag farther onto the field than he did. Sounds like a man with a firm grasp of decisiveness.
The third credential that was submitted for our review was the placement of Angelo Crowell on injured reserve for what was to be a four to six week recovery period for his knee surgery. Boy, wouldn't Angelo look good out on the field at this time, eh?
While having the personality of a rock on the sidelines is not a credential we look at for induction into our Hall we see it as a testament to the fomenting of moronica in Mr. Jauron's mind.
Based upon the submitted credentials in which our board has reviewed, and based upon his past "work" with other teams in the league we have has selected Mr. Jauron as our newest member of the Moronica Hall of Fame. Lets all welcome Dick Jauron into our Hall and please give him a hearty congratulations when you see him for the honor that has been bestowed.

Hard Times

With the upcoming holidays I decided to try to get some inside information on economic conditions. Thinking hard I finally decided on who best to call...Santa. Normally this time of year it is very hard to get a hold of him, not this year as he picked up after the second ring.
"Hello Santa, Its your friend Dinglefritz, How is business up there? The world would like to know."
"Oh Dingle, its always good to talk with you but this year is not going well for old Santa."
"Whats happening up North?"
"As you know I have over 4,000 elves working for me and I can't keep them all busy. Too many orders have been shipped to India and China and now I am in a bind. I may have to let go half of them. I offered buyouts to them but very few took them. I guess they feel being elves would hamper them in trying to find other work. I even heard Keebler may not be hiring."
"True, but continue."
"I am trying to short shift them in order to keep as many of them as possible but I am looking at laying off half of them. It hurts me badly Dingle as I love them all"
"Thats a good chunk of your help Santa."
"Thats not all. I am cutting half of my reindeer force as I won't need all of that reindeer power to do my job this year. Comet and Dasher are going to retire as they were smart and invested their money in precious metals, which is fine, but I am going to have to cut Blitzen and Donner this year as they are lowest in seniority and if I can get away without using Rudolph he will be off this year too. Hugo and Stinky were looking forward to taking the retiring reindeer's place but they are not going to be able to work either."
"Rudolph??????"
"Yes, even Rudolph. I am trying to get a small piece of the government bailout but not being located in the United States, well thats is proving to be damn near impossible."
"Santa, this is troubling. I just cannot put it into words how badly I feel for you."
"Dingle, thanks for the sympathy but even I, Santa, was thinking about retirement after this year but with all of my savings in the stock market this old man is going to be working for many more years. I have almost nothing left after the last six months. I had purchased a retirement home in Florida last year but now it looks like it will be going into foreclosure as its either trying to keep as many elves as possible or paying the mortgage on it. Its killing me."
"Santa, I just...."
"Dingle, I know what you are going to try to say but I will survive. I will try to make as many kids happy this year as I can but its going to be hard. Its been great chatting with you Dingle but I have to get back to work, what little there is of it for me to do. Give me a call again next year as it looks like I may even have more free time to chat. Take care and good bye."
"Bye Santa"
We can only hope the economy gets turned around fast enough because it affects everyone. No one is immune...not even Santa.

First member of the Moronica Hall of Fame

From time to time I will enshrine new members into the Moronica Hall of Fame. For our first member lets look at the Rochester Americans hockey team. At the present time they are 1-10 and drawing flies into the Blue Cross Arena. Not a very good record for a team that is so rich in history so we need to answer a few questions.
Is the mess the new owners fault? No. He has done a yeoman effort to keep hockey alive in this city. The team would not be playing right now if it was not for him.
Is it the Florida Panthers fault? Not really as they supplied us with what they had. They could have tried to obtain more veteran help for the team but they are a team that needs help too. They were handicapped by the state of flux the Amerks were in until Mr. Styres took over the team and negotiated the lease.
Is it the coach's fault? No. This man can coach! All one has to do is to look at what he has done with his past teams and you know it is not his fault. He is trying his best with the cards he was dealt with. Having two sieves for goalies does not help either.
So, then who's fault can it be??? Well the answer is simple and this man is our first enshrinee into the Moronica Hall of Fame. This man is Steve Donner. He has single handedly nearly killed off two local sports teams. This man turned off the Buffalo Sabres so much that they moved their farm team to Portland and they are now one of the better and more entertaining teams in the league. Those players should be here entertaining us.
He disgusted the City of Rochester and Mayor Duffy so much that they would not even deal with him in regards to the lease to the arena, which led to Florida not having the time to be able to obtain a few veterans for the team as there was a good chance they would have had to share a team elsewhere as the Amerks were close to being put into suspense for the year. The heads of the City demanded that Steve Donner, still a minority owner, have absolutely no day to day control for them to even discuss the lease with Mr. Styres.
I won't even discuss the unpaid bills and the $500,000 loan from the City to the Amerks that are still outstanding.
Then there are the Rochester Rhinos. Thanks to Rob Clark we had a team this year. They weren't quite the mess the Amerks are presently but they almost certainly could have folded this past year. Nearly having your stadium foreclosed on is an excellent credential for enshrinement on its own. Putting the arena in a blighted area with horrible traffic access was a mistake as I personally found out the day the stadium opened. It put such a bad taste into my mouth that no amount of Listerine has been able to remove. The arena should have been put in Gates as it would have had much better access to major highways like 531 and 490. Try getting out of Paetec after a game...When I go to a game I try to leave early to avoid the mess. Well, we also have David Gantt to thank for that too and he may be a future nominee, but not at this time.
The Rhinos went from being the leagues bellweather franchise to being on life support in such a short period of time that it may be a world's record for bad management.
So we congratulate Steve Donner. He is the first member of the Moronica Hall of Fame and this "honor" is well earned. When you see Mr. Donner please congratulate him on the honor that has been bestowed upon him. Thank goodness he is not in the position anymore to keep up the bad work.

If you have nominees for the Moronica Hall of Fame please let me know who they are and their qualifications. The Moronica board will examine them and maybe who knows, your nominee could join Steve.

More Random Thoughts

1) Watching some of Bill Clinton's speech for Obama in Florida the other night I saw it but I could not believe it. Could Bill's schnozola be even bigger and redder than ever??? Rudolph could be out of a job come Christmas if it gets any redder (and with today's economy Santa may need only six reindeer to pull his sleigh this year. More layoffs that we do not need). Bill has got to be flush enough with cash so maybe a visit to Tom's Rhinoplasty should be in order and soon.
2) Some members of OPEC strike me as very ignorant or dare I say...Moronic. Iran and Venezuela come to mind after reading the paper the other day. The world's economy is crashing and they are worried about the price of oil. They are advocating cuts of up to 2 million barrels a day to prop up prices. These two idiots are thinking about short term profits instead of long term gains. They should try to keep prices down in the short term to help the world's economy pick up more quickly and if that happens the price of oil will climb again as demand grows. If they continue to keep the price of oil high through artificial means the world recession will be longer and deeper thus depressing demand for and the price of oil for a far longer term. Saudi Arabia walked out of the previous meeting because of such stupid thinking. They understand that a strong world economy creates a higher demand for their product thus bringing in more income sooner. Simple thinking in which the leaders these two countries obviously lack(and knowing these two leaders that is a given). Lets hope that the reduced price of oil at this time does not deter us from our mission to wean ourselves off of our dependence on foreign oil. With the money being spent to prop up the financial institutions there may not be much left for research in this area and that is a shame.
3) Only a few more days left before our televisions are given back to us by all of the candidates for election. I can't wait for sanity to return to commercials. My vote goes to Morris the Cat.
4) $150,000 for clothes for Sarah spent by the GOP election committee??? C'mon, They could have spent one tenth that amount at Sears or JC Penneys for probably the exact same stuff and had that much more to spend on the campaign. Who do the GOP think they are....My wife????
5) Halloween is here and once again I do not have to spend money on a mask bacause my puss is scary enough. Happy Halloween from the country of Moronica!

Random Thoughts

1) While watching tonight's Buffalo Sabre game I noticed that they have kept the old Sabre logo at center ice. The old logo brings back so many fond memories..Gil Perreault winding up and splitting the defense..a Rick Martin slapshot...Roger Crozier and his aching pancreas....the smell of the Aud's bathrooms....well, maybe not that. The old logo should have remained the Sabre's logo. The crest of the charging buffalo with the 2 crossed sabres underneath is simple and so ...pleasing to the eye. The new logo reminds me too much of a banana slug. Since when does a buffalo have a yellow head???? If the Islander fans can manage to get their old logo back, though I did sort of like the old man and the sea look of the new logo, we can get ours back! Tom Golisano....Give us our old logo back!!!
2) Remember, we morons are unionized and we should be proud of our ideas and always sign our comments. Remember that oh great members of Amalgamated Morons 6 & 7/8ths.
3) Can't the Bills build on anything good? They beat San Diego and then go down to Miami and lay an egg. Trent, you are going to be a great QB but please do not hand the ball off to Joey Porter. He is the enemy. He was wearing teal and white while you were wearing blue and red. I hope he learned a valuable lesson. Robert Royal will certainly not get my vote on the 4th. Nice game Robert oh master of the hands of stone.
4) It was good to see the Town of Gates leaf pickup patrol out at last. I had 4 weeks of leaves out by the road and no room to put nature's newest batch that needed to be raked up. I am hesitant to rake and bring them out because the area of my lawn is now distressed and very yellow. Usually these guys are great and have picked up two or three times by now...Oh well, hopefully they will be around sooner next time.
5) Once in a while the good old USA can show the world it can build something that lasts. Confidence in the economy...nope.......keeping other countries as our friends....not looking so hot at this time...I am talking about our two rovers on Mars named Spirit and Opportunity. They were built to last 90 days and now are approaching 5 years of service on the red planet. Continuing to operate and send us usable science they are a proud statement to American technology. We need to build upon this and show the world we can continue to lead in technological fields, especially now when we need it to conquer our dependence on foreign oil. Congratulations rovers and I wish you many more years of service. PS: Opportunity is now being directed to take a seven and a half mile drive to another crater. Incredible.