Merry Christmas from Moronica

Your King wishes all of his readers a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year as I take a break from blogging to recharge my humor battery which is quite low at this time. Suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder I do find it hard to be 'myself' at times this time of the year. Bear with me my friends and hopefully 2010 will be full of humor as I will be more than happy to see 2009, which could be the worst year in Moronican history, come to a close. Again, my friends, Merry Christmas!!!
PS: Now that Christmas is over maybe Santa will pick up the phone and answer my call, but then again he does vacation in the Bahamas right after he finishes. To bad I can't be with him.

Tenth Inductee into the Moronica Hall of Fame

My oh my, do I have the newest member of my MHOF ready to be inducted. This inductee is someone I never could possibly imagine EVER being inducted into my MHOF but I must do what I must do. This inductee has been purported to be the first billion dollar athlete, but in about a year he will be worth about half that, if he is lucky. This inductee had the world as his oyster. This inductee has a beautiful Swedish model trophy wife yet wasn't satisfied. This man is Tiger Woods.
Tiger, oh Tiger, what could you possibly be thinking? As of this moment there seem to be at least four women that you have dallied with. Methinks Elliot Spitzer is jealous as he had to pay for his. According to the news wire you had a 31 month affair with a cocktail waitress by the name of Jaimee Grubbs. Grubbs??? Two others that I have names for are Rachel Uchitel, who denies it, and Kalike Moguin. Tiger, I cannot believe that you could be unfaithful to Erin with a woman by the name of Grubbs.
Now, there are some serious questions that need to be answered. Here are a few:
1) As Tiger was pulling out of his driveway was his drive slicing or hooking? And where, oh where, was he heading at 2:30 in the morning?
2) Where did his wife Elin so quickly get a hold of a three iron? Or would a better club have been a 'mashie"?
3) Did Elin take any 'divots' as she was 'teeing' off?
4) What was par for Tiger's head?
5) Did golf guru Butch Harmon give Elin any lessons on making the proper 'swing'?
6) Was Tiger's apology for his 'transgressions' plain or was it the Jerry Falwell type where the tears are flowing?
7) Is Tiger so stupid that he couldn't realize that if he left a message, on tape, for his mistress to change her greeting, that this message would not surface in the future?
Now we see that poor Tiger will get four points on his license and will have to pay a traffic ticket in the amount of $164. Oh my, where is going to come up with that? He also did $3,200 in damage to the hydrant and the tree. And we don't even have the estimate yet to fix his car. Oh how the 'costs' are climbing for poor Tiger and its only just beginning.
Tiger loves his privacy but what Tiger does not seem to realize that if you are in public life everything is scrutinized. Every little, well not in his case as it definitely ain't little, transgression gets magnified greatly but the press. He has apologized but he still expects to keep his privacy...sorry to say Tiger but that ain't gonna happen. Too many people are interested in you. Thierry Henry of France thanks you for taking the spotlight off his world famous handball. You have let down too many people by this error in judgment. But screwing around with four..FOUR women..that we know of at this time, is absolutely mind boggling. Going back to his apology he never admits to anything other than 'transgressions'. But then again, he really does not have to admit to anything else than that. He is just a golfer, albeit the best in the world, not an elected official. It will be interesting to see how all of companies that pay him to represent their products react. Some companies actually do have scruples.
Your King was a big fan of yours but now I hope Elin cleans you out. You deserve it you chump.
So, If you see Tiger Woods please let him know of his induction into my Moronica Hall of Fame and the honor that has been bestowed upon him.

Orangemen Leave King Wondering and Other Tidbits

1) I have to admit that I am not a fan of any kind of basketball but the Syracuse Orangmen have me completely baffled. How can a team that loses to division two Lemoyne College, even though it was an exhibition game, beat twelfth ranked California and fourth ranked, and last years champ, North Carolina??? It would almost be comparable to the Bills losing to Cleveland, which they somehow did, and then in the next two weeks beating New Orleans and Indianapolis. Jim Boeheim must be a miracle worker.
2) Your King and Queen visited the Bingo Parlor last night, incognito of course, in order to attempt to put some extra loot into the castle's coffers. After two and a half hours of trying the castle's coffers are still depleted. Oh well, maybe next time. Its fun to do once in a while...but not too often.
3) Well, it had to happen. Your King's hot bowling streak has finally catapulted him to where he belongs. In a span of five weeks my average has gone from about 188 to about 201, even in that hellhole called Spencerport Lanes. I finally am starting to have the feel for the ball that I had seven years ago before I took a sabbatical from the game. I hope the same thing happens to my golf game next year.
The Monday night league is a little different than the Tuesday Night League. There are some really nice people but then again there are some strange birds. Still makes it fun though.
4) So far, weather wise, November has been very tame. Last year, at this time, we had a covering of snow that lasted until February when the weather finally turned OK. It would be nice to have a rather tame winter for once.
5) Once again our State's government has shown that they lead the country in not getting anything done. Our bloated budget, and now deficit, is the albatross that we all have to bear thanks to this do nothing government.
That is enough blather from Moronica for today. Have a happy!

Welcome New Readers to Moronica

It has come to my attention that I have new readers to my blog and I heartily welcome you to my Kingdom of Moronica. I hope to keep you entertained with my wit, wisdom and sometimes pithy opinions. While your King strives to get on the favorites list of a certain blogger to increase readership even more I hope that you spread the word of Moronica through all of your friends. I will welcome your comments and I will try to reply to them ASAP when your comment requests it.
1) The Bills today sacked Trent Edwards as their starting quarterback. He started off well last year but after that conk on the head he got at the Arizona game last season he has not been the same since. What he needs is to be hypnotized and told that he is the reincarnation of Joe Montana or at the very least Jim Kelly... even Frank Reich would even be acceptable at this time. Maybe Trent will give his new coach his phone number as he did not give it to Mr. Mind and that is a classic bit of idiocy. Mr. Mind said that he never called Trent as Trent would never answer and that was the way Trent was. Now that he has been sacked as quarterback I guess he will not have to worry about any calls from his coach.Poor Ryan Fitzpatrick is the next sap to line up behind that revolving door of the Bills that is their offensive line. Time to take bets on when he will end up in the hospital.
2) Will someone please tell Rachel Barnhardt of Channel 13 News to straighten out her head when she is on camera? Its always tilted to the right as she is reporting. I find my own head tilting to see her straight as she is on camera. If it is a medical condition where she cannot straighten it I am sorry but if she can, please someone tell her to. It drives me bonkers.
3) Speaking of Moronica I just caught one of the 'Best celebrations gone bad' on ESPN. It was the Cal-Stanford game from years gone by where the last second kickoff return by Cal won it for them. It had about fifty laterals and the Stanford band on the field. I bet the tuba player felt like a moron as the Cal player that finally scored landed right on top of him. Hahahaha.
4) Another example of Moronica is that Swedish hockey player that tried to do an 'Ovechkin' after he scored a goal by leaping into the side glass. What made this moronic was that the glass gave way as he hit it and he disappeared as he went up, over and behind the boards. I just wish I could have read his mind as he was flying through the glass but then again, I cannot read, write or even think in Swedish. Oh well.
5) Christmas time is fast approaching. Please feel free to get your King lots of presents this year as I have been a very benevolent monarch. Presents will guarantee my continued benevolence.Once again I welcome all of my new readers to my Kingdom. I hope that you keep returning to the land of Moronica to keep abreast of all that is moronic in the world today. This is your King saying..And thats the way it is this Wednesday November 18, 2009, this is Your King wishing you a good night.

King vs. Man vs. Food

Your King just finished watching the Travel Channel's Man vs. Food show and I am royally jealous of Adam Richman. All this guy does is travel around the United States eating at different restaurants and taking on various food challenges in his one half hour show every Wednesday night. As you know from previous entries I love crab, lots of crab, especially King Crab. In this episode Adam traveled to Anchorage Alaska to take on the Kodiak Arrest Challenge. This is a challenge where he had to eat a seven course dinner totaling over six pounds of food in an hour and a half and the featured course was three pounds of King Crab. The other stuff looked good but the crab, oh my god, it was the largest most succulent crab I have ever seen. I just sat there on my couch saying "I want that" over and over. My Queen just shook her head and went back into the bedroom. I guess she did not want to see me drool.
Now this is a job your King should have gotten as I love to eat. Why I was not asked to interview for it I will never know. Maybe it was my lack of charm and personality but that hasn't stopped me before. I can eat crab with the best of them. I will take on all comers in any king crab eating challenge there is. Just get the drawn butter ready and lots of it. When its comes to crab everyone says I am an expert because I am one. Me, the King of Moronica a crab??? I wonder why anyone would think I could possibly be a crab since I have such a bubbly personality. Right. At times I make the Grinch look like a heartwarming soul, but lets not digress.
Now, your King has some king crab stuffed away in the freezer but not enough for a good dinner, yet. However, Prince Spoiled Brat spotted it and now has his eyes set on it too. Luckily he is too lazy and does not know how to prepare it or I am sure it would have been long gone long ago. The crab would have been history just like my TV dinners that I squirreled away for a rainy day a while back. It must have rained one day while I was out and the Prince took advantage and wiped them out. My biggest mistake a couple of years ago was turning the Prince into a king crab fan. Luckily the Queen still refuses to try it and I will NOT press her on this issue anymore just in case. I could not afford another lover of king crab.
Now they are showing Adam eating a king sized burger. I have to stop now as I dare not drool into the keyboard. Have a nice evening. Your King.

Ralph Wilson Finally Obeys Your King's Royal Order

On October 6th I signed a royal order hereby ordering Ralph Wilson to exile Mr. Mind. Ralph has finally succumbed to pressure from Moronica today and exiled Mr. Mind from the Buffalo Bills. The countdown clock has stopped at tee minus seven games.
This past Sunday the Bill's put on a better effort. Better is a relative term in regards to the putridness of their efforts of late. Once again the Bills made a game of it into the fourth quarter only to see Tennessee score a zillion points to make it a rout. The defense, as in previous games, tried their best but they are so shorthanded, but then again the starters that are out would probably be just backups on other teams, it is not even funny. Edwards and Fitzpatrick both threw touchdown passes in the fourth quarter. Too bad they were to Titan's defensive backs. T.O. looked, and acted, totally out of it and it may be in the best interest of the Bills to release him and give Mike Hardy some playing time to see if he was worth the second round pick Buffalo spent on him last year. The Bills are not a fun team to watch at this time, except when Fred Jackson throws a pass.
Going back to my royal order the Kingdom of Moronica has continued to apply constant pressure on Mr. Wilson, since its signing, to abide by its terms. As King I felt it was my royal duty to my subjects to continue to push and push to get Mr. Mind removed as coach of the Bills. We deserve better and my royal order stated so. The Kingdom of Moronica hopes that Ralph lets the moths out of his wallet after the season and signs a strong coach and a new football savvy general manager that will lead the Bills back to where they belong. They need to draft better and sign better free agents, not the expensive ones but the ones that are good but cost effective. They are out there but they do not sign with Buffalo. Dockery and Walker were expensive busts and I am sure there were better players than them at a more reasonable cost. They should have paid Jason Peters as he alone would have helped to give the baby Bills on the line a better chance to develop, instead of turning into the revolving doors that they are now. One question remains though. Does the Bill's offensive line coach know how to drill his line to move only when the quarterback utters the proper snap count? The Bills lead the league in false start penalties and that is a sign of poor coaching and that goes directly to Mr. Mind and his staff infection.
In closing Mr. Mind is gone and this season is shot to hell. Edwards and Fitzpatrick suck. Maybe its time to give the third stringer a game to see if he has any talent. He is getting paid so we may as well see if he is worth the paycheck. I have also come to realize at this time that T.O. is an expensive waste. He was particularly awful this past game and he cost the Bills a pick six by making a horrible play on a ball thrown to him. Marshawn Lynch should be benched as he has been consistently in 'least mode' since his return from the three game suspension. I also wonder why the Bills do not give Derrick Brooks a look see at linebacker. He has to be better than what we have and that includes Poszluzny. While I am only fifty one I would like to see the Bills make the playoffs again before I croak and maybe even win a Super Bowl(yeah, right as if that will ever happen). I wish the interim coach a lot of luck as not even Jesus can save this team this year. Good night from Moronica.

DC Sniper Put Out of Our Misery

Your King wants to be serious in the content this latest blog. Sometimes you just have to take a break from moronica to say something that really needs to be addressed.
In one of the faster paced executions that I can think of the State of Virginia executed the DC sniper today. It only took seven years to go from capture on October 24, 2002 to today's execution. Not too shabby in this day and age of endless appeals. This man, John Allen Muhammad and his little buddy Lee Boyd Malvo terrorized the DC area for quite a while and were responsible for a minimum of ten killings. They were also suspected for other killings in four other states across the country. It was a stroke of good fortune that these homicidal maniacs were finally caught and their reign of terror ended. He got what he truly deserved today. Thank you Virginia.
The big question is why his little buddy Malvo got only a life sentence is beyond me. The reason is that he was only 17 at the time of the killings, and the U.S. Supreme Court has barred the execution of juveniles, but an exception should have been made in this case. In this case I feel that it is a big mistake for him to be getting a life sentence as he should be sitting on old sparky too as he is an admitted killer. He admitted to killing a man on a golf course in Phoenix at the urging of Muhammad. The family of this man were at Muhammad's execution today. To paraphrase a family member of that man 'they saw my father take his last breath, it is only fair that we see him take his'. I feel deeply for the loss and pain that Muhammad has caused that family and the many others that were affected by his killing spree. His execution will not bring back their father but it will bring some amount of closure to them. But closure will not be complete until Malvo takes his last breath. It is a dirty rotten shame that taxpayers will be paying for his room and board until he does.
I am a man of deep consciousness but I have no problem seeing a man like Muhammad get his just desserts. May he rot in hell.

The Palace Reports

1) The Bills offense sucked again this week. T.O had no catches, The offense once again had no touchdowns and the running game was nonexistent...Wait, my mistake, the Bills were off this week. I couldn't tell, could you? At least I did not waste three hours of my life watching their putrid attempts to score. I hate Michael Vick with a passion but he is looking better and better in my eyes as he cannot be any worse than the jokes we have at quarterback now. At least he can run for his life unlike the other statues we have behind center.
2) Your King has finally showed signs that he is becoming the bowler that he was six years ago before my self imposed exile from the game. I had a 694 tonight and now have high scratch series in the league. It should have been a seven hundred series but I had a moronic shot in the ninth frame of the third game as I had everything set up to bag my first one at Spencerport. I have had a large number of them in my career but a seven at the hellhole would have been like an eight hundred anywhere else. Oh well, I think I counted my chickens before they hatched and I paid for it. Next time I will know better.
3) The leaves are gone, my gutters are clean and the lawn mower is away for the season. Ugh, it can only mean another Rochester winter is fast approaching. Another fourteen years and I can retire to somewhere where I will not see as much snow. Northern Nevada is where I want to go. You can still get the cold but nowhere near the snow. I can live with that.
4) I wish Chad Ochocinco would slip me a few bucks. I could sure use it. The refs in that silly league make more than enough money and all they do is irk me, and I am sure I am not alone in being irked. But what Chad did was very funny. I am sure the commissioner will not think so.
5) Yippee, my political blogging is done for another eleven months. I am glad as my two typing fingers were getting very sore and my mailbox may need to be replaced after the damage done by all of the nonsensical mailings.
I am going to keep it short tonight as I do not want to use up all of my fine material in one sitting. This is your King saying "Have a happy"!

Ninth Inductee into the MHOF

Well, its been a while since I inducted anyone into my Moronica Hall of Fame but no one has been sending me suggestions. Sometimes it is hard to find that special someone that deserves this honor. Well your King has come through with a new addition into the MHOF. This person should probably be in World Wrestling Entertainment instead of the league that this person is in. This person displayed extreme moronica in the sport that this person participates in. This sport is Women's College Soccer. This person plays for New Mexico University. This person is Elizabeth Lambert.
Elizabeth, well we shall call her Liz for short, is a junior defender for the team and they were playing BYU in the semifinals in the Mountain West Conference when she did things that would have made Brock Lesnar proud. Before I continue I must add that the Referee deserves an honorable mention for a possible induction, for ignorance above and beyond the call of duty, but this is Liz's day. All that was missing from Liz's arsenal was a knife and a gun as she hacked, kicked, clubbed and pulled her way into Moronican history. Why she did not get red carded for any of her offenses is beyond me as she could have seriously injured a multitude of BYU players. Her tackle of a BYU player in which you could see that she went for the knees, never actually making any attempt to play the ball, and really trying to hurt her was incredible. That is an instant red card anywhere, but not here. We do not even have to talk about the elbows to the back and the karate chop to an opponents face that she delivered but that hair pull was a classic. Her opponent, Kassidy Shumway, went down like she was shot. Kassidy was lucky that any hair remained in her head after that. It was a classic move straight from the WWE and maybe that is where Liz's career will take her. I sure hope Vince McMahon was watching that game as he could have an instant star in Liz. But this is soccer, not professional wrestling. I have played, watched, refereed and even coached soccer and have never seen such a moron out on the pitch as Liz was that day. Obviously someone besides her 'coach' was watching because she has been suspended indefinitely from the team and deservedly so. At least she will not get another chance this year to put someone in the hospital for the holidays.
So, for her efforts in turning the sport of college soccer into a WWE hardcore match we must give Liz this honor. So if you see Elizabeth Lambert please tell her of this induction and the honor of which that has been bestowed upon her.

Mr. Mind Soon to Collect Unemployment

Well, its been a few days since the latest Bills debacle. If it were not for Jairus Byrd the Bills would not be worth watching at all. The kid is the talk of the NFL while his team mates are the joke of the NFL, though there are other teams that seem to be as bad or worse.
Mr. Mind has disgusted the fans of Buffalo for too long. He must go and soon. If he is not fired quickly after the Bills' season ends their season ticket renewals will set a record free fall. The Bills' fans are great and they deserve at least a product that entertains. This group does not entertain...it bores you to death. The offense is killing the defense and it showed in the fourth quarter when Houston just marched right through them after a more than valiant effort for almost three quarters. You cannot ask a defense to spend two thirds of the game out on the field and not expect them to wear down. They have had too many injuries on the defensive side and their depth is now almost non-existent. The offense has too many three and outs. Marshawn Lynch is an expensive joke at the expense of Fred Jackson. Terrell Owens has a serious case of the dropsies and poor Lee Evans is doing a great impression of the invisible man, though not of his own making, like Aaron Maybin, who IS the invisible man.
Ryan Fitzpatrick now makes me hope for the return to health of Trent Edwards. Maybe that conk on the head has him thinking right now. But, then again the offensive line is a sieve and he will most likely end up in the hospital again before the season ends.
Mr. Mind's 'great' fake punt in the fourth quarter may go down in history as the worst play ever called by a head coach. It was doomed from the start as it went to the wrong person. It should have gone to the punter and he would have ran it. Moorman has done this before successfully but why stay with a good thing, as the D&C suggested in the Gates town supervisor endorsement. Make the change no matter how stinky it may be.
Only eight more games. Thank god the Bills have this week off so I can save money from buying Pepto Bismol. The countdown now stands at tee minus eight and counting before Mr. Mind can start collecting his unemployment checks. We can only hope that it is sooner.
Good night.

GOP Routs Dems in Gates Elections

When it was all said and done people saw through the rhetoric spewed by the Gates democratic candidates this election season. The vast majority saw through McIntee's thinly veiled screen and knew that if he became Supervisor the Gates Police Dept. would soon become a historic footnote. It has been noted that the vast majority of the people in this town want the Police and also want the services that are provided by the town to continue as is.
When the ballots were counted Mark Assini won by a nearly two to one margin over McIntee. Sue Swanton and her library dreams went the way of the passenger pigeon. After four tries for office it looks like her time has come and gone. Frank A. and Elaine T. kicked unexpected butt in their election bids. Robutrad be damned! It was party time at Repoman's house and the Wild Turkey probably flowed generously.
The GOP in Gates ran a nice and clean campaign. And cleanliness is next to godliness Bugs Bunny says and everyone loves Bugs! During an election I want to be enlightened as to why I should vote FOR certain candidate, not why I should vote against someone. I am a lifelong Democrat, and though I did not register in that party when I moved back to NY after a short sojourn in Utah, I will vote that party if I have no preference. This time I had a preference and your King has expressed it continually for the past month in this silly blog. Gates must continue to be run by the GOP and it will be. Mark Assini, I am sure, will do a fantastic job for the residents of Gates and Moronica during his term(s) in office.
Maggie Brooks, however, is blaming Washington for the voters decision to turn on the Dems here in Monroe County but that is vastly incorrect as it was the local issues that determined the outcome of the local elections. I voted GOP not because of Obama but because of where the Gates Dems stood on various issues. Issues that separated them clearly from where the GOP stood in which I happened to agree with. Now I can state honestly that I have never been to a Gates GOP sausage roast and had any of their DNA changing sausages so my opinion is honest and genuine. The Dems failed to check to pulse of their constituents and paid for it with a clear spanking. Maybe next time they will learn. If they do I will be waiting to cast my vote for them.....maybe.
And that's the way it is Wednesday November 4, 2009. This is the King of Moronica wishing you a pleasant evening!

Moronica Solidly Behind Assini

Exit polls conducted outside the Moronica polling station showed that Moronicans voted 100% for Mark Assini in the race for Gates Town Supervisor. In what is expected to be a tight race the Moronican vote may be very important to the outcome of this election. All polls close in about one hour so we are hoping that the Gates GOP maintains its hold of the leadership reigns in our town. They have done an outstanding job for Gates and even the D&C said so in their endorsement of McIntee. They endorsed McIntee just for the sake of change and the article pretty much stated just that. Why change a good thing?? We shall find out soon.
Your King.

Happy Halloween from Moronica

1) The Palace had 99 visitors seeking treats tonight. seven more than last year but, I just wanted that one more to crack 100. Oh well, maybe next year.
2) I caught part of the Montreal vs. Toronto hockey game tonight on the Hockey Channel. In this game Montreal was wearing one of their throwback uniforms. This uniform has to be one of the most godawful things ever designed. It looked like Toronto was playing the Montreal Correctional Facility inmate team. It is even worse than the Sabre's Banana Slug design and that is saying a lot.
3) The Palace set a record today in political mailings. I received nine of the bloody things. I normally hate them but the one I liked the most said probably the most truthful thing that a political mailing has said..That Sue Swanton supports cuts to our Police Dept. Electing her will be a big error. And once again, in another mailing, our hero Steve Tucciarello managed to pass a law limiting spending increases. Sounds like he is a one man show on the County Council. Another one said that Frank Muscato was guilty...I never knew he went to trial. Another one had Bob Duffy supporting Frank...This is Gates and I could care less who Bob Duffy supports. Stick to the city Bob where I think you probably have enough headaches of your own. Another one said that Mark McIntee, Sue Swanton and Donald Hunter have a plan. The last time someone had a plan was in the movie 'Tremors' and Fred Ward had a plan..or was it Kevin Bacon, well whoever it was at least they had a plan. So if Gates ever has big worm creatures attacking it I will definitely vote for the democrats, but until then, I do not think so.
4) I am in the middle of the last big leaf raking job of the season. I would have finished it today but it was too bloody windy but I did use the wind to my advantage for once by raking with it. It was easier but there was no way that I could have laid a tarp down as I would have been chasing it all across Gates. I am not in shape for that. The trees are now bare enough so that I can go on the roof and clean out the gutters for the winter. Boy it sure would be nice if I had a royal gutter cleaner but I am a cheap bastard and will do it myself. So, if you see a big dummy on a roof in Gates with a big hump on his back it will probably be me wearing my royal parachute.
5) Your King had his visit to the Royal Gastroenterologist on Friday and came out of the exam with a perfect colon. It was probably the easiest thing you can ever do..except for the day before when you cannot eat and you have to drink that special witch's brew to clean out your system. The last time my colon was this clean was fifty one years ago when I popped out. At least now I get a pass for ten more years before the next one. What a joy it was when the Queen had a Palermo's sub waiting for me when I got home. I think I set a time record in eating it as it was gone in a heartbeat. It needed more mayo which drives me nuts. I always ask for extra mayo and wherever I get a sub they never put enough extra on. Is there a mayo shortage that I am unaware of? Are we rationing mayo? If someone asks for extra mayo why can't they give extra mayo? DiRosatos is famous for skimping on the mayo. Their subs would be excellent if they put enough mayo on them but Palermos would still beat them. Give me my mayo! Boy did I do one hell of a segway on this one. Its probably the first time in blog history that someone wrote about having a clean colon and wanting extra mayo in the same paragraph.
6) Well, your King has remembered to set his clocks back tonight so that is why you are getting this extra special late blog tonight. I hope you all remembered to set yours back. Nothing like spending that extra hour in bed.
Speaking of bed, your King has now run out of garbage to write so I am wishing all of you a pleasant night and a happy Halloween...BOOOOOO!

Your King Supports the Gates Police

Being in the Kingdom of Moronica, which lies within the boundary of the Town of Gates, I have had a chance for the last eight plus years of observing the various ideas and stances of the two political parties within this town. It seems to me to come down to a basic choice for Gates residents. Either keeping our Police force intact or getting a new Library. The GOP is in favor of keeping the local Police but the Democrats, while they will not come out and say it directly, would like to reduce or disband the Police Dept. leaving more money for Sue "Pelosi" Swanton's dream of a brand new library for Gates. While I am not against a library the Kingdom of Moronica believes it would be a huge error to allow the Democrats to get control of the town. I do not want 'Metro Police'. I do not want a fifteen to twenty minute wait for an officer to show up, if the officer does show up depending on the type of call. While Mark McIntee will NOT come out and say this directly but electing him supervisor will mean the eventual destruction of the Gates Police Dept. His idea of getting money from the County is a bunch of hooey and anyone with a brain will see right through it.
The Kingdom has had a few, how can I say it, opportunities to have the police come for some reason or another, the Queen's car has been entered twice, and they have always been prompt and courteous. Our local police have always had a special relationship between the residents of Gates and themselves, a relationship that we would lose with metro police.
Sue Swanton wants to spend ten million dollars for a new library. Where will this money come from? I would like this question answered truthfully. It would probably come from making cuts in departments and services and everyone knows that she is totally for the dismantling of our police Dept. and going metro.
The Democrats complain about the tax rate, which is moronic when you look at the amount that we are really taxed. Our tax levy is the lowest for any town with a police dept. Do we really want to save a few bucks by cutting out a vital service? Well, I believe that the tax rate probably will not go down as we will be paying off the new library. In my eight plus years living in this town I have to say that for the money we pay in taxes we get the biggest bang for our buck around. Mark Assini will continue to provide excellent leadership to continue this. Mark McIntee will not. I have said before that I have voted for Mark for the Town Board but I will not vote for him for supervisor because of what I feel is the unspoken objective of the Democratic party in this town....The elimination of the Gates Police Dept.
Your King requests that you think deeply before casting your vote this Tuesday in the Gates Town elections. The vote you cast may decide whether or not we keep our fine Police Dept. intact. Your King supports the Gates GOP and Steve Tucciarello in the upcoming election and will probably vote democrat for the rest of the offices in contention. Remember, think before you pull that lever as your vote will count!
Good night from your King.

King vs. Leaves and Other Moronic Things

1) Well yesterday was the nightmare that I thought it was going to be. Mother nature threw her best shot at your King and left him very weak in the knees. I raked my back yard and nearly died doing it. I could not believe the number of piles I had to drag out on the tarp to the road. I believe I ended up with fourteen tarp fulls. The previous record was, maybe, nine. Plus, to make matters worse, they were wet from the rain that fell on Friday. Ugh. This leads to #2.
2) Prince Spoiled Brat showed up during my raking looking rather ugly. Your King asked him to help out with the raking and the look I got, man, he looked at me like I had a bad case of the swine flu. He said no and went on in. Now, compounding the crime I had a fish dinner left over in the fridge that I was looking forward to eating after I finished raking. Prince Brat took care of that as I went to the fridge, after four hours of very hard work a very hungry King and found all that was left of my fish dinner was the Cole slaw. The fries and the fish vanished. Prince Spoiled Brat made short work of them. THEN he has the audacity to ask me for five dollars for him to go out with for the night. Now, if he had helped me it would have been no problem but between his lack of help AND devouring my fish dinner, well the answer to his request was a no brainer---ask your mother for it, this bank is closed for the day. The absolute nerve of the Prince.
3) Your King fibbed when he said that he put his clubs away for the year. I went out and played today and actually walked the course. Maybe I should have put them away for the year as I played probably the worst round of the year. My arms were dead from the massive raking from yesterday but I still managed to have fun which is what it is all about. I hit a couple of very nice shots and that was about it. My shot from behind a tree on eight would have made Sergio proud but I did not have the strength to run down the fairway to watch it like he did. That was definitely my last round until spring. I wished my buddies a great winter and told them I was looking forward to Spring. Hopefully next year I will play better as I really did not play much good golf this year. I did have one major problem though. I was squeezing the old butt cheeks for the last two holes as I felt my intestines rumbling and grumbling. I knew I was in big time trouble but I knew that there was a bathroom behind the eighteenth hole so I quickly putted out and ran to the toilet...just my luck it was closed for the season. So I squeezed harder walking down eighteen and made a mad dash for the restroom after completing my round. Not to be disgusting but your King did leave the room uninhabitable.
4) In one of the political mailings I received yesterday I read something that I have to remark about. It said that 'Steve Tucciarello will deliver NO property tax increase in the 2010 County Budget'. Man that guy must have some stroke in the County Council in order to personally do this himself. I wonder what Maggie and the rest of the council were doing at the time Steve did this. Anyone capable of doing this himself has my vote. It reminds me of Albania's leader Enver Hoxha standing up to Nikita Kruschev during one meeting way back when. But we all knew that ol' Enver had no stroke when it came to dealing with the ol' USSR.
5) I cannot bring myself to spend a whole blog on this subject today so here goes. The Bills won. The defense played very well and Free Safety Jairus Byrd looks like a great draft pick for the Bills. He has five interceptions already and its not even halfway into his rookie year. The Bills have nine picks in the last two games and that is impressive. BUT the offensive continues to be very stinky. They did very well to convert turnovers into points but really did not have any great drives. Fitzpatrick was very ordinary but that was still better than the usual Trent Edwards show. The pass to Evans for the touchdown was a rifle job. It was impossible for Lee Evans to drop that ball as it was lodged deeply into his navel. The running game has been abysmal since the return of Marshawn Lynch. The Bills ran it much better without him and it seems that Mr. Mind needs to play Fred Jackson more. Still, it was nice to see Mr. Mind actually moving and breathing on the sidelines for a change. But then again, as we get closer to Halloween, zombies do come to life at this time of year. The countdown now stands at tee minus nine games and counting until Mr. Mind gets launched. The last two games notwithstanding.
Well, its time to go watch the last game of the night. Your King has had a busy weekend and it is time to relax. Good night.